The creek
Come
up
the river
and
be silent.
sweet nothing,
genial doll, gentle calf,
speak nothing.
rolling waves,
an inch-by-inch golden sand, fool’s time.
with a creek’s
heart, a swerving absence in begotten–
serrated buck-teeth,
serenading
his mom,
the forest,
with his little trees,
little “timber,"
small flares. gargantuan limbs–all eight.
become
something
that stirs
the cosmos
one inch.
belong
in your
creatures.
Hopeless
I’ve been
made so
hopeless
by you, hopeless until I cannot walk.
my back
covered with roses,
a crease of us in black foraging,
a muddled
sound of insubordinate “ka-ka-ka.”
with the trees beneath me, there is no ulterior motive.
be gone. become
something worth the effort,
like a nut
or a morsel of
very good
“tell me again.”
start flying
with yourself.
die a little bit.
A ruining
Be
cast
aside
for
love,
a little bit and piece of you.
let
romance decompose in a
fairy circle,
a little
grandiose,
a short reaching thing---
a wide
lattice, a word with you.
according to
indexes, I’ve never lost so much,
never tried so much as a nymph
tries to tell you
with something small.
there’s a maze
that disconnects,
start-to-finish.
a little bit
of hell is in you,
too.
Marching
There’s
a
part
of you
that died.
a frowning
thing,
a loathsome, enchanted night gown
crawls
in two pieces to me.
I haven’t been
able to want you
for days and days.
I haven’t
the faintest
clue how
toes
can
keep us a secret,
how blue cans of
paint wretch
at a blue-taped doorframe,
and how a mountain
carries me, too. let everything
that’s bending break
end-to-end and top to bottom.
be a little more
ingrained at the thought of a horse.
I’m weeping for home
I’m weeping now,
weeping now
to not weep later.
I’m praying
that the words,
“shame on you.”
are the harshest
words that
our children
ever hear
us say to each other.
Spices
Stealing spices,
things I wouldn’t
have with $48.60 in my checking account.
things
wet eyes
losing a $20 bill
I have enough
cash
to take you
out to dinner tonight, just tonight, just tonight.
Winter
Warm streets,
who am I?
where am I?
I’m staring
at a sandwich
in the corner store
I’m walking to Mt. Sanai
I left my green card
on the counter
Numbers
I couldn’t read numbers
they couldn’t read numbers
beaten out of me
by my mother
twenty-some years before
Tea
Tea,
I took so much tea
so much of anything
I took so many tea-bags
if I could
only have
so much of anything
Heart
His heart was giving out
smoke this,
he said he was trying,
trying to have a heart attack
the first time
he tried to die
, smoke this
, smoke this
,
Holding cell
I was in jail
the holding cell
,
doing pushups
,
sit-ups ,
, tears ,
doing breathe
sit-ups
breathe it in , exhale
he brought it in
inhale
inhale
Last line
A kid saw me
saw a kid
his las-t line
his last
my
first
347-869-
I got it on credit
what credit
no idea
iPad with
my brother’s AIM screenname
for a phone number
‘ brothers
, full-metal alchemist on a month free sub
homeless
give a homeless guy an iPad
give every soul a number
I watched it three times
every day next to my brother
, dying
he
was my brother too,
sharing the room
awake and dead
blues
skin so blue
Seance
In the shelter,
he sat on his bed
feet on the floor
needle in his hand
sticking it into his soul
(my mother laid in bed
with my brother)
his head , waist
waving
possessed
(my mother laid in bed
with him
, cradled him
while he shot up)
Fish sticks
The fish
was worse
than the malt liquor ,
I’d leave a little bit
for the poor
The corner
I’d go to the corner
steak knife
they gave me a steak knife
in my pocket
to be nice to the new guy
protection
, never threatened a person
until they chased
me with a baseball bat
Heartfelt
Smoking the rock
he said his girlfriend
broke up with him
left him to the shelter
I don’t blame
he gave me some
loaned him $40
he never came back
so I put a
smile on ,
slapped him in the face
so he
brought me a $200 Buddha statue.
Three homeless shelters
1. Free steak knives
2. free $200 Buddha statues
3. amazing homestyle chicken
, I’d cry
, I’d cry again
watching children
, playing
, and you thought I was dangerous
, you thought I was homeless
I kept the same Starbucks mug
that I found
, at the playground
A warm summer
No a/c for me
or for the kids playing
from the projects
in the
open
fire hydrant
, I’d walk
the water
jail sandals
Very
Very
cold
evenings ,
very cold nights
come forward
collect
, pennies and starlight,
down jackets
jealousy
, correctional
Begin
Drink something
red
and white
, begin to sing
see colors
very cute of you mister
,
mystery boy
,
come closer
, if you
, marry Mars
,
mistakes were made
a lot
more, a lot more I hear you
,
politely
,
tersely
disagree. . .
I am a ghost
Streets,
walking streets,
forgetting names,
, forgetting
the name
of my
highschool
best friend.
forgetting my father’s face.
Mania
If it
is a neurosis
of the ego ,
it can
keep you alive.
Dyslexia
Dyslexia
with
numbers.
$12 was $21 , or $210.
Grocery stores
I am sorry to self-checkouts ,
the worst was
3 32oz ribeyes
14 lobster tails
skewers ,
mushrooms,
peppers,
pineapple
it’s not
me,
, it’s the entire universe
scallops ,
Delusions
, Prison
, chomo
, if I ended my life in the bedroom , I’d get there sooner
, when I went to
wake him up,
his skin was devil-red .
I was scared // I broke his jaw in two places
, went to the rooftop
40 floors
I believed I’d wake up , in his handcuffs
I didn’t know anything
until he was arrested three years later.
Butterfly
It was
‘ 15 feet across
both lanes
I
followed it ,
to Port St. Lucie
from Alabama ,
‘ trees burning, burning
black and white
fire.
Don’t forget the Taco-Bell sauce
/ Do not forget the sauce
or I’ll break the door in ,
grab 6 fire, 6 hot, 6 diablo
Blood
Drinking
someone’s
blood , on accident
time slowed down
heart rate
blood pressure
low
Elephant
Covered with a blanket
, something you missed
, something
,
I want to be your child
, do you want to be mind
, do you wish
, we missed Christmas
together ,
it was only
you
A cross in the living room
, wood, bread, wine and things,
// a good bunch of
terrible two’s together
It’s sex
The cross is sex ,
. i’m lost on you,
do you want to give
anything,
everything
something you’re giving.
Signature
I don’t want to
, have sex with you,
, I want your cum on paper
I haven’t wanted sex in years
. they broke me
, rape allegations
temperance
, when you’re unwilling
dinner is at 6pm
sex it at 11pm , once a week
Memories
I forgot // my mother’s face
I’d forget
my only debit card
(no bank)
in the store
, , every week
Know how it feels
Know
. you wish you could say it to me
too little,
fever dreaming , tears and all
// come home
flowers , gangrene
There’s someone in town
. I know she’d never
, she’d never had the
change // chance
be careful
dive bar .
woo and shout
cry to the pages \\ arranging
Cremation //
There’s a little //
dove
. she’s dead
. she cried to //
beginning
cry to him , babydoll
\\ appletree,
crying // terrible
wasting
watering
, starbranches
destin\\ed
burying someone
me,
//without regret
I wish
you had //
a spade
Be care\\less
Be wise,
a little shovel
and turpentine, ,a little munchkin
and more
a little more, , I wish I could tell you something
very cute , ,handsomeness
Dangerous
To tell time\\without maps upside down . s
to be caring\\without people knowing something . n
marriage//mirage . w
nobody cares\\nobody knows . e
Codename: mirage
//it’s inside me//what is me
\\it told me twice//
. the cursor is multiple flavors . red is best
, I put the spaces ,
//until the color is at least purple or orange
green is space// that amount is blackpurple
I did see//I did
A Julliard
//blackpurple
floutist
D#
//purpleblue
butbecauseItoldyoumystomachhurts
it was
electric-blue//the chord, her favorite chord
Presidential
Shadows ,
four and a quarter
//a four-pronged staff
and an angle
at
madness
Your gifts
Blanket in the living room ,
, the only room
waiting
for someone .
big feet
can’t take them back .
On steps
Still smoking ,
depressed as hell
//asked for what I needed
//asked for what I needed
. need nothing
Count the letters
//each one means something
//count the letters
. they mean something
, , tears
tears , ,
Espionage \\
Loyal faces, ,
creature comforts,
magic (shapeshifter, poison bugs)
they come through your computer , ,
grab your suffering \\\
feelers
(collective memory, trees, uplink)
Two movies \\
mindful coordinates,, memories
What do you say
“thank you”
no .
this was all for you
.
I had no choice.
,
Wolfmurder
You slaughtered me , I’m dead
, , I wept for you to watch
// invited you upstairs
and I
\\ back off
untilyoursalivadoesn’treachme
Signs
I wrote for you \\ for a one in a billion
we’re at stdev 6
and
you don’t understand statistics.
nofuture
I don’t see a future with you //
one where you don’t try to
( __________ by hurting me repeatedly)
I'm going to add an index at the back of our book:
, = one tear
, , = many tears
" " = happy eyebrows
// = overcomes this-a way
\\ = overcomes thatta way
Pipe
He dropped his pipe //
the man sleeping, (head under a blanket),
outside my building ,
// do you know how much pain every smile gives him
he numbs it . instead of eating
the
veteran , he walked past reeking of alcohol
Swollen
Be careful ,
your hands will swell up ,
. turn purple
your last words to your brother might be, “
“I guess this is goodbye
Better place
I’m in a better place, ,now
paper towels are a luxury
I stare at them on amazon
100 poems for your heart
Whorish pictures to hurt me // 100 poems for your heart
, , Buttocks implants , , "
Third flowers // 100 poems for your heart
, Buttocks implants , ,
Forth flowers // 100 poems for your heart
, Buttocks implants . , .
Kitten // 100 poems for your heart
You’re dead to me .
Christmas
I’ll let you know.
Someone I don’t want to meet
Who thinks I have some kind of infinite wellspring
who thinks I am invincible
who believes that I am trapped , (I felt trapped)
someone who doesn’t want
to listen to me , , how many letters did I write to ask
I’d like to read your poetry,
but I don’t want to meet a person
who hasn’t already given it to me.
I’m not sure sometimes
I’m not sure that she lets you hear me ,
I would like to give you time to think, ,
as much as you need (I rot , so good)
that all this is worthless
, , except my book, if you’re the woman you pretend to be
do you
cry
for yourself
when you're crushing me?
Mathematics
Think about going above and beyond
, , or else
my heart
looks for another one that will //
I’m sorry for your grandmother’s death
//a lot to forgive
, , to forget
\\a lot to forgive
I wish . I met her
you could
//I could
take some more time.
Dry eyes//sympathies
I could have used your sympathies//psychosis
living with my mother
drunk
every day , , screaming
do you know how
strong
every
poem
//every day
Bandages
\\\ picture everything
masturbate
to my pain
because
. it means I love you
Unbecoming
// your goal . sex, ,princess
starts with a sorry.
When to forgive yourself
//beautiful , ,
when I
see you
as beautiful again.
Forgive myself
For hating ,
no . for hurting , yes
this isn’t my best work ,
but what’s my word worth, it’s not a flower
Open-hearted
This makes me sick, ,
I wanted to be open-hearted //
but I want for nothing //
spit
in
my
mouth
spit in your eye, ,
I need something from your heart
“ “
“ “
“ “
" "
no apologies .
" "
I’m dirt ,
I know I’m dirt
you treat me
like
I’m sorry for everything
That’s the thirteenth time .
, ,that I’ve said it
The context
, how Ryan used to text me ,
. I thought,
“how classless.”
I accept this
, “ when I’m in a mood ,
he’s going to leave me .
Ctrl f
It’s after you’ve
, , said sorry
//twelve
times
I’ll take a “fuck you.”
Demonize me
I wrote it all down
‘ ‘ can you be that humble
you will be , , at times\\ or you won’t be
with me.
Feel me crying
When you’re crying
// know that you read
“ “ what you can read now
and continued.
Feel me writing
When you’re writing
“ “ know I pretended , , suicidally
“ “ to keep my head up , jokingly
and put my tears to paper
, , at the same time
I wish I could know what you’re screaming
I bet it’s pride
\\ I have none left ,
you can pick the bones
Hope
, , do you know
“ “what gave me hope
not you,
GOD.
a sign.
call it what you like to.
Anger when you’re told you’re in the wrong
// is pride
I’ve been in the wrong ,
and I’m sorry
Nobody gets me //
I should write it
in prose.
Bed-bug spray
A new bite on my little finger,
my ankle // covered
in a scab
can’t afford it
Can’t afford a new mattress
Been pissed on six times\\
by a kitten that you
unspeakable
the breeder drove from Idaho
(owed $1600, $1300 in my bank account)
I wish you could walk in my shoes
You can’t, ,
you’re probably done crying already
you’re going to send a letter \\ or you’re not
I just wish you would cry all alone
\\ until you apologize for crying
Old trees
I cried a little bit
to an old forest , for the trees
and an animal brought me here
yellow dunce cap, brunette hair waving
a little bit too---too shabbish.
dancing buffoons
//there’s a tune very close to home
two animals , handstands
and there’s regret
//closeness
\\ for all our sakes
there’s closeness.
an alien came down, I wonder where from
his green
skin sold me,
he speaks
like music . he speaks like angels.
a little jumpy\\smart tune
a little in between start and finish,
6 ways to Heaven , capitalized
I know the difference, a clown with balloons
a platter and sparklers\\more noise
than a kittens ears
know what to do with.
and there’s music.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I could listen to it.
Driveway
Tears // kings
small kings
waiting for their mother
my dog and I, a few minutes from I-5
she drinks,
I stare at energy demons in the driveway
// safer outside
he works nights and mornings
makes
every
game,
a good light—belief in short childhoods
belief in
churchgoing \\ children smoke
cigarettes in the bathroom
brothers work up courage to use the step-ladder,
grab the star
lights on the roof until February , until
the screaming seems quieter
and the
bottles are behind the mirrors
I know you hate too
Sun
The sun is hotter now // than it used to be
my Uncle said that, now call the police
the ants all cower at
a certain bowl will do it
a certain lens from up here, 3.5 feet high \\
my nose isn’t broken, somehow
it’s never been broken.
running into tar trucks, breaking bottle-rockets
wide open, mixing, taping roman candle wars.
my hair never caught fire. . . that’s $200/hr
Heart mixture
Cry away
every time someone’s ever lied
when they said, “I love you.”
catch your tears.
put them in a bottle
with my tears.
top with a cork.
mix.
Replaceable
The universe lied
when it hatched you,
it told you you’re just a shell,
a fragile, hopeless element.
you reach out, sometimes,
and she reaches back.
do you see her eyes,
I see her eyes
when I look at
your eyes.
What is stronger
than the soul
which dies
and dies
and still lives
The lessons
your soul
teaches you
can pain
your heart
for years
and years.
For my soulmate,
I will walk to the dying of the light.
that will
isn’t mine
it isn’t mine
it isn’t mine
evening creeps and crawls and
motions
all of each of us, the whole that we do not know
God is all
the pain
you've ever
felt in your life.
Welcome a
love who
makes you
whole again
You are the maker
who gives all
of herself
pull me, do you
pull me,
the best of me. . .
take the child,
the child in me
in your arms. remind him
how you will raise his children
love will touch you,
something
deeper
than you are,
something greater
than who you are
something in you
grander than you
think you're going to be
I’d be lying
if I told you
that you take
my breath away
you make me
breathe
so hard,
I can’t catch my breath.
I forgot my name today
it sounds kinda impossible
you said it
so many times
last night
Love is a dog from hell
I woke up cradling
twelve empty cans
of 8% beer
and an empty fifth
of hard liquor
the morning
after you hit the road.
Bukowski taught me
how to drink
after I read
three of his books
so that you'd love me.
I know I should be better
I should have
better reasons
but have you seen her
when the moon kisses her eyes
I do not need the kind of love
that pushes away
I need
someone
who holds me
You were beautiful
so beautiful
I could not have
asked
for more
but I’m asking
you to be
more
She should feel like
your first sweater
the first thing that kept you warm
It’s simple
to love
the best
parts of
each other
but the deepest
love lives inside
our darkest places.
I thought I missed my chance
I ran to the waters,
the still lake,
the still shore,
and begged the moon
to make you love me
You don’t need to suffer
like I have
you need a space
the size of a seed
in your heart
The magician
I wanted to fight God,
or so I suppose
that’s how he heard
my roar
when my
only watch left
stopped
when my card declined
on a steak
at Ruth’s Chris.
I chose the family jewels
being beaten, broken, broken
and still bitching.
they made easy work
of my face. when I finally quit bitching,
I offered them my favorite watch,
and they didn’t take it.
(though they took the rings).
You don’t need to suffer
as I have
you need a space
the size of a seed
in your heart
You remember it too,
how the cross
turned upside-down
how you howled
how I howled
across the city.
we counted
footsteps,
one by one
like it was all
we knew how to do
To say “I love you” only when I love you
is the easiest way to tell you
that I won’t always love you
tomorrow
Tonight
I told the sun
what I’d do for you
When your
voice is bright as
autumn leaves,
I quiver
and you
give your
colors
Eye contact
when you’re down there
famished
so I know
it’s for me
I’ll tear up
when I hear you read
The Little Prince
out loud,
imagine
he finds a home
and it’s ours
I am hoping
that time heals
their mistakes, my mistakes. . .
I wear my stars on my chest,
she drew a line from one to another,
and she drew another one,
and she drew one more
until the constellation
of my heart
led me
to you
If your hair
were any more beautiful
the butterflies would forget their favorite flowers
and come to you
what is it with you and jems, she asked
they remind me of the colors of your heart,
and this one
is the most beautiful,
you have so much of it inside you
it had to be seen in your eyes
Fate
is a ring,
and the universe
gives you a locket
with the picture
of what you will
become
You placed your lips
to my fingtertips
before
I bit my nails
you placed your lips
to my nose
before I picked it
your little doodles
looked so amazing
in my first eyes
I couldn’t tell how
you could draw
so beautifully.
we practice nightly
write something for me
write it now
down here
in your widow speak,
Mask
My mask,
I hate pink lipstick
for the rest
of my life,
you have to
say it
for me.
Moon
If
the
moon showed
the stars
how to walk
across the sky,
she’d catch every
one that is light
enough to
fall
My favorite thing about you
is your eyes
they look like the spring leaves
of the most
beautiful willow tree, the most
magical,
their roots reach something
in the
deepest places of my heart
I look to your long, flowing hair
and the braids
that your
small faces
make to your roots
with the sunrise,
and I carry
that scent
from the kiss
after our morning
shower
what am I
to you
she asks
you are
every wish
I’ve ever made
There’s a mirror
who looks back at you
yesterday and pauses
because you didn’t say,
“you’re beautiful.”
You smile does to me
what spring
does
to
flowers
When you are
empty
and I am full
you are the moon
Wrap your voice
around my wrist
around my hand
I am bound
by your
sweetest words,
your smallest self
It was as though
certain pages
weren’t meant to
be written
again and again
There’s a beauty I haven’t seen
in a while,
a beauty that sees herself
and laughs,
a beauty that
rings
as if
her truth waits
on the other end
of the line
You’ll lose everything
when you don’t know how to love,
when your sacred eyes close
to the pain
you caused this pain
you know,
you caused this pain
that you see
and you’ll lose the world
to the pain it feels
when you caused it, you caused it all
You are the whole universe
looking upon itself
looking into your eyes
I see more of them
more of you
more of what
I’ve always wanted
I make good
coffee
every morning,
you whisper
sweetened
lavender
into every sip.
All your gorgeous
gleaming
at me,
every surreptitious,
frightful glance.
all the while
my
spell is weakening,
every lightful molting chance,
(so wear my skin. . .)
Very murderous,
how murderous
of me. . .
in paltry towns,
a Great Gatsby. . .
worn in sleep,
a sundry town,
a simple step
from what was bound.
God could take it all
and we’d
build our Heaven
in our hearts
with our hands and our bones.
And some day
He will have us
find me,
remember that
look
in my eyes
He took
less
than He
has
given back,
and not a wish
has gone unnoticed.
Snowflake
God was cutting snowflakes
when he made us,
and he didn’t know
that he cut
the paper
clean in two pieces.
he didn’t realize it
until he opened his
snowflake up
and the paper
came
in half.
is there any other way he
could make
two people
who fit so perfectly together?
he dropped us from heaven side by side so that
when we found
each other,
we’d never stop falling.
I want you to burn
a piece of paper
all crumpled up.
inside of it,
you’ve written
everything you
know
about love.
The universe took time
to give you every
single
note
in our song written on your skin,
and they hurt
like a child’s tears on ivory keys,
they hurt like magic,
like God hurts.
If I could spend
the rest of
my life with
you, I could spend the rest
of my
life with myself, too.
My words each day
to my soulmate
with every bit of sleep
brushed from my eyes,
I look to the east and say,
“I will.”
with the rained out crows feet
at sundown,
I look to the west and say,
“I will.”
Say the words,
the words
that make
my eyes
close.
If you could see me as
a young boy,
if you could hold this little boy’s hand,
make the rain go away,
reach so far into me with the eyes
I prayed
were my mother’s, the hands
that I wished would
love me,
the waters
that
washed over my soul.
Tomorrow
is the first time
I’ll memorize
the lines of your face–
of your eyes,
your nose,
the crinkle in your nose.
it’s the last
time you’ll realize
that God ugly cries,
smiles, laughs,
melts, remembers
and dies.
he dies.
Prisoner
I’ll be in prison tomorrow, today is worse
they said, “cut it off.”
the voices of record of record
and the queen,
he crushes and destroys in columns
He sweetened me
for a black hard mask
he penciled in paper
my divisionless master
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