Graveyard
Straight from the lake of fire:
wins,
rank 1/2 bible child in my hometown,
acted the verses that could not be memorized.
I was more proud of being class president.
rank 1 pitcher in oregon,
could not ask for a good enough surgeon.
drafted consolation #966 by the Texas Rangers.
student body president of Portland State University.
I made a nest egg flipping houses while being paid to attend college.
I coached baseball to gain experience with children.
multiple scholarships in mathematics, economics, and classical music.
master's in economics at Lewis & Clark college.
for every story of loss there's one of gain, and you're not gaining anything but
sorrow for wondering if there's wisdom in every reason.
I was more proud of being class president,
and I was more into god
just to keep my soul
from kowtowing.
John was a dancer,
and he was drugged,
he broke a man's jaw,
he robbed guilty men, holy ghost
he brought guilt upon guilty people,
and he suffered greatly.
and he won't be suffering any more fervently for god.
and, in my heart, it is power, but that will change when I have children.
in some minds that are so overgrown
with wisdom
that they have the patience to wait for good things to happen, money comes to them naturally.
in mind,
it's alchemy.
Freyr was a lord.
and he was bound and broken.
and he was near to 'Death already,
that was enough to let him walk through.
and he spoke in tongues to a Ukrainian woman
while he mimed the building coming down upon her,
and he marched rainbow balloons down streets and alleys.
he prays
to the
graves
in city square.
My first best friend
My first best friend,
and my only brother.
he made sure that I knew
he'd never let me fall
when he he held me by
my
ankle
from the treehouse
20 feet
off the ground
I was pretty sure he wouldn't
kill us going 110 around the
freeway entrance.
he made
sure that I'd never
like vodka or chew
for the rest of my life.
now I'm on a bottle
of the same smirnoff.
not lime.
we had it rough together,
but all I remember
is him trying
to protect me.
Heather Ann Viets
Pay
To meet
a
basilisk,
you need not
speak its language:
berate five men
with pistols.
to
pay the
piper:
before they
came,
a part
of
me
knew,
that part of
me danced.
I met them
in a towel.
they would kill me,
and I wagged
my finger
at them.
I might
be
Jesus
I felt a crown
inches above
my head.
I might be
cane,
I am not
able.
I am bound—
I chose
my
balls.
I am
dragged
through
the
hallway.
I might be
adam,
my rib removed. .
the fruit
eaten:
pay the mouth.
you will get up
when they throw
you out of the van.
you will see planes
in the distance.
they have taken
something from
you that cannot
be given back.
it won't take
long in a
daze,
go get it
when
I got
back to
the airport walking,
I pissed bourbon
with a soldier's eyes.
I remember
My father
was half-gone
already,
but he was
there
when
I brought
a
birdie,
baby birdie,
from the
birdhouse
in for dinner
with a
steakknife.
my brother said, "no."
and she was a robin, 6
I gave her home, 5
I am a magpie
I do not kill, 1
am not sit
but I can tell, 7
I do not knit. 8
* 9
A man
A man
told
me a terrible
story,
and I was four
and I was four
when a honeybee
stung my foot.
I was four
outside of a Brooklyn
homeless
shelter,
and a man
bragged to me—
told me
about
how
it felt to
rape.
I was almost 3
in the homeless
shelter, devolving.
outside there was some grass,
I took off my sandals,
and I was two.
it was a
hornet.
I robbed him
of three
ounces
of crack cocaine,
his life savings.
did he owe?
a therapist
can't
save
him.
I smoked it
in 40 days
and 40 nights.
Too much MDMA
2
Which is impossible
do you know I have PTSD?
4
I would like to highjack CPTSD
5
as “Compartmentalized-PTSD”
4
to describe the state of my memory
6
less than three years ago.
periods of time when I could not
remember 10 consecutive digits to
save my life.
11
and I could not remember the street
I was walking on,
12
and I could not remember your face
or your namesake,
13
maybe I died alrea-
-dy.
The hotel
The hotel in Brooklyn
had steakknives, serrated,
sharp and good.
I was given one to keep.
for
free
after that was the Marriott,
the one in the Bronx.
cracked my skull
hard on
the
bathroom
floor.
the shorter stay
downtown
had
an extravagant
geometric
table setting,
and presidential
portraits,
and a four pronged
staff
on the
wall
Yards in years
The elk
that burned
in Portland—
I was insanely
sad.
'Injury to Insult, Discus'
I might have
been
the
only one
to
take
a couple rock-shots
at the Pearl.
their job to defend. .
Great-Grandmother who gave her life for
me
to see:
my father and I
jumped
out of his truck
and walked
a football field
into
the woods.
she
was pacing.
I aimed, fired at 90
she ran 100
with
a
heart
shot
through.
the oldest cow
in the Washington
forest,
tagged.
Diesel and almond joys
The sea floor smells fishy,
it’s like almond joys
and diesel.
they don’t know I charge for a hand,
double to hit, three times to win—
the black ink is heavier,
you know
I could
count
the
spades on a ten,
but I’m
only looking for the big one
there’s
something
funny about this,
it’s funny that I’m losing life
I’m losing life and I have nothing to
have for it,
her two eyes,
her two eyes, green?
I wish I had time to tell you how much I love you,
I wish I had the wherewithal to see that’s what you really
wanted
I’m so angry at GOD, I want to puke.
I had 1200 dollars to my name and I knew
I was supposed to party. but I kept on grinding away at it,
and I finally did.
Bible child, Baptist
Sitting on a rock,
I bled myself in church
to
the
wick,
to the wick.
A baby born dead
My brother was
emotional
and I was
creative.
he was
pure grit,
goddamned be it all
could he run.
he would run until
he puked, just
because he could.
he would have been
out front
anyway.
a relative of Prefontaine.
I was intuitive
up to master's level
mathematics,
it all made more sense
than was made of it.
my class-mates
couldn't study
with a lefty.
proofing
became
poetry.
I was emotional
through 300 level
economics.
the professor's
passion is what
allowed me to
understand.
on 9/11
before school,
I crashed my bicycle
into a fence,
and ripped
a dyed
wooden
plank
through
my
cheek.
the doctor
didn't get
it all,
a
pearlescent
stick came
out months later
In Tennessee Jail
You were the first,
Sophia,
the first one
to see my magpies, 1
I met a boy, 18
he was in
for cap.
white boy,
"guilty,
innocent,
guitly,
innocent. . ."
I saw it in his eyes.
Psychiatric ward
I arrived at the psych ward
15 minutes after
doors closing,
not knowing
that I had
a warrant.
not knowing
consciously
that I had a warrant.
still not knowing,
in sanity,
that I've ever
had
a warrant.
the closest hospital
to where I was staying
that had a psychiatric
ward. They arrested me
in a small
amphitheater
200 feet
from the
doors.
"Is your car
a silver audi?
there was
an accident."
To drink
Never
even learned
to drink,
I’d be at a party
and after two
beers
I’d be sad.
after seven,
it felt like
I was
drinking
tears.
I’m in college
again
at thirty-one
learning how to drink.
I've got an MA
already,
what's one more
final,
it’s 4pm and there are
three shots left in my
fifth of vodka
after a 12 pack
of white-claw
surge.
Night terrors
Night terrors
more friendly
than my daydreams,
and known
as a step
towards peace.
A man sits
A man sits
like a wrestler
at two-fifty
and he tells me
that god speaks
like this—
there is a 007 under his eye.
he would not tell me the city
in which he earned it.
he could have taken me
and I considered
taking
the voice
of
god.
a homeless man died for
nothing. and I sat there
eating my bone-hard
fish material. he had
Jehovah
and
clouds
tattooed as
well as
our bell-
boy,
a doctorate, he
wore a gangster’s
cloak and hat
and promised six
months
until
I had
an
apartment
in the city.
To influence
I was so unknowingly
jaded to influence
for reasons
sadistic,
by the time I was 21
I wouldn't give a damn
if you gave it to me
now it seems
I'm a sailboat
your money
and let people
piss in your eye
every time I make
direct eye contact
you're a masochist
but I know of it subversively
I understand it recursively
I will demand nothing
but you to light it
on fire, I think
master
high
Know where, Alabama? (where you can't read numbers)
In a couple years.
I didn't have enough
money for some
whisky,
but then I had enough
for a burger
across
the
road. . .
I stopped.
God:
"go ahead and
call in a murder,
I'll run you over
backwards on
the way
back
to
your
car."
Mother did not pursue.
The yellow
Satan,
understand my
step-father's
suffering.
as
my soulmate
told me to engage alcohol,
I engaged the
russian magic
of
drinking oneself
to death
on
a
dime.
my father
went
away
and
two months
after I had to
move in,
your skin
turned yellow.
you
took out
credit cards
on my
mother's
name.
wine
in
a coffee cup—
vodka,
vodka,
vodka,
vodka.
until your skin turns yellow
and I'll watch
as
you'll
refuse
an
ambulance.
it wasn't
that
I needed your
traumatic
influence.
you took $7,000
from me personally
when I
needed
it for a
surgery.
I always didn't
cry,
never cried
once.
I am
going
to call my mother
later
today
and see
if she has your paintings
from your
business
dealings
in
Russia.
Running
I didn't know why
I had no fight,
but come
to find
out,
she slept with my best friend 2 months
before she moved me in.
she drugged and raped him.
his jaw
broke in 2 places, 2 years later.
I was accused by her
brother of hitting her.
I was out playing poker
and she found an account
impersonating me on tinder.
unfortunately I had no fight,
so when I came home to
her lifeless eyes
blacked out
on
xanax
and
vodka,
"stay away from me."
she screamed, "STAY AWAY."
and I stayed away forever.
her parents were putting me
through law school.
I was pretty well done
after that,
but I was finished when
my brother
texted me,
"I guess this is goodbye."
you can stay awake
for 48 hours
in Snowy
Park
CO.
you can
outspeed
a police truck
in an deisel audi
hatchback. you can rage
through a taser shot, twice.
you can walk one-hundred-and-twenty
miles
on two-and-a-half shattered 40's in
NYC. you can
laugh
with
sorrow
beneath overdose.
I flew feet,
then
a mile.
Martyrdom My head swims with all kinds of treacherous voices of gods and monsters, and I choose not to embody one of them. I've never prayed for war. once I threw a whole tray with 200 dollars worth of food on it off of the balcony of a 3 million dollar condo on The World, then fasted for five days with a woman who I thought was on my side forever. then she cut herself and assaulted me with a deadly weapon because she was jealous of my fucking sister. what am I supposed to do now, post some self-made porn
The seer invited me to a party the following night, I read my favorite poem to her
She wept and read this back to me:
I am the queen of the ocean
With fire in my sails
I am the changing wind
And to the sailor, I have no apologies
I am not the rocks that break your bows
I am the warm sand that cradles you when you wash ashore
I will not apologize for my gritty embrace
My broken fingers crackle in your hearts fire
I will not apologize for keeping you warm
I am the rain that extinguishes your embers
But I will not apologize for the water which fills you as you drink from my leaves
I am the salvation of shade when you retreat from the burns the sun feeds you
I will not apologize for my cooling grace
I am the earth which accepts your feet with reverence
I will not apologize for my support
I am the rainbow that makes your lips curl
And I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEAUTY
The only thing I am sorry for is that you only feel the rocks, the broken dreams of the wounded explorer
I offer you warmth, yet you only remember the chill of my gaping waters.
The rainbow taunts you as it settles in from the storm which once quenched you’re body.
I am sorry that you do not see me, feel me, love me in the way that I see, feel and love you
I am sorry that you do not love yourself as my world is willing to
So... I release you, fully and completely to find salvation in yourself......
And... I hope if I do see you again... you are only more beautiful than you were before.
Figure eight
8 figures aligned aside two glass figures
the harder way sometimes is to show
the easier line is to know that god
will give you the upside and know
that the lord wishes we
all fall down sometimes. and we all
fall down on times good
and we wish upon times bad to
know the times perfectly
Business pussy
Girl I puppy-dogged
and free hooker,
I still would like to
harm both of
you with
words, physically.
you didn't want
ten babies.
she bought me
cigarettes,
and she fucked for free.
then you psychologically fuck
me to tears?
you accused me
of being a
rapist.
c'mere.
and you got me kicked out of the only bar with poker.
you ought to die.
wait, hold on,
then I was stiffed on an implied rental agreement
for the exact dollar amount
by the pimp? fuck your glass
miami-bitch door
with a brick.
twice?
1 time
2 windows
little wine. 3 handles.
she wouldn't pray on all 4's.
I wanted to give her time.
Witchcraft
The last night
that I
saw H.A.V.,
I was out dancing with my sister
and she was home
performing
witchcraft.
I was out
dancing
with
my
sister.
how
did
I get
this
picture?
she screamed,
attacked,
I held
her
tightly.
she said,
"you're a psycho."
it fades to black,
or was it
already.
Magnanimous
Are the most abundant
particles
in
the
universe,
so it could be that
they are the
bridge.
or it could be
that
our souls
are so massive—
Einstein: "ehhh."
—large—
Einstein: "mhmm."
that
after being ghosty-encapsulated
in
a space
that is
fractions
of the
volume of the human
brain,
—Einstein: "not that we know of."—
whatever,
and most likely creating
pairs
of spooky-electrons
at the boundary
of the
open
cavity,
part
of
which
looks
like
the eye
of
horus. . .
Einstein: "stfu."
ok.
maybe—
maybe,
they are the messengers
and our souls
are something
different.
but
seriously,
you're a dick
for not
considering
that neutrinos
are
created in the hearts of stars
and planets.
Einstein: "go off, kid."
btw I'm of Gaia,
I know this for a fact.
call me on it?
call Sergey Brin.
Einstein: "mhm."
it's on my google drive,
and you'd have to sue me
hard af
to get
edits,
or lack thereof.
fbi does have my
file,
trust me.
Einstein: "oh?"
just to trip me the fuck out
and whatever, aliens are coming
Elon Musk,
on god man make the earth a better place. .
I understand nobody taller than
6'2
can ever go to
Mars,
so
you're the tallest.
I know the feeling.
anyway what
tripped
me tf
out
is
that when
the edit
was made
to include
"fbi"
I then
clicked
save
and
it said,
"error performing query."
Einstein: " "
first time that's ever happened,
and I've made
so many facebook posts
that
I can't search them all
on fb
or google drive,
they
don't show
up.
Schizo-affective *
I was in jail for five days
and I read a book
about a
dog's
life
I was a dog. it was a book.
and when I got out, my abuser's attorney
ordered me
to go to anger management.
I made it most of the way through
but I had to stop class twice,
once to put Maslow's pyramid
on
the
board.
I was then diagnosed
schizo-affective,
and class stopped the second time.
I was told, "two wrongs don't make a right."
so I began counting
up
to
red to black
on
the
anger
chart.
they
let me
off the
leash
at 8.
* ɹǝʇᴉdnſ
If you're a deadman
If you're
already
dead,
and five priceless
($100,000)
objects
are stolen
from you,
wear your rings.
walk back to the airport.
pray to their door.
black tungsten, shattered
thick, ornate platinum, chesed
mason's gold, irreparable, chesed
custom platinum, bent
tri-color gold, unbent
Alexander the Great, lost
alexandrite, tanzanite, lost
garnet, emerald, lost
* mirrored—
Read upon 1st and 2nd Kings
1 Kings 14:23—, 2 Kings 17:10—
1 Kings 14:15—, 2 Kings 16:3—
during the seven-star, I burned frankincense and myrrh.
what
more
could
I have
done.
I committed these sins after my brother's death,
and
all
be
damned.
Legend
* Something that takes and gives.
† Jesus saves you.
‡ Tough to get this one out.
§ Opium is illegal.
¶ Backwards proposition.
# 4, 8, or a 9.
Δ Iris.
◊ Mathematics.
↓ Go to Hell.
☞
Learned-ness
1 Samuel 22:23
2 Chronicles 33:6
1—stars
2—flame
3—iris
4—mathematics
5—physiks
6—David—
7 - Brother's death, witchcrafted to me
8 - Ishtar, the goddess
9 - Louis de Bourbon, Freemasons
10 - your fav number
12 - be sent to death
13 - iykyk
14 + socry
Brother
Do not wonder
what Ghengis Khan worshipped,
god is king, the great blue sky.
I'm sorry.
Eros did not counter in peace.
~ he shot his brother with a bow
✹ I had this knowledge.
Why is my brother's death ✸
My brother's death was witchcrafted
so that my soul could show? Or that
my eyes could teach? I wrote a spell
and brought a treat to teach, wrote—
and upon floor with chalk and flame
and eyes of karakulak name, Freyr.
To know the date of your brother's
death is a nine in pain, a twelve to-
day.
There is blood on my index finger
this very moment in place, and I
cannot find its origin on my body.
I licked it clean. There is blood
under my right index nail. I cannot
find its origin on my body. I bit
it clean. My knowledge was
innocent, but my intentions-
Witch is inherently "which"
And if something is
inherently "which",
it be duplicitous.
and what is a
Wizard? it's
inherently
triplicitous
or DO. so,
witch, you
can turn g—
odd timing
upon itself,
and I have
hung 2 men
from a tree
for being
✦ fent ✦
try being
do. it's
✽ not actually possible to be do.
unless you smoke a do-bee.
in which case, wizards can
truly 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠 themselves
thrice. and back
again, I pray ❂
✺ pretend that a single "t"
is Jesus' cross, and a double
"tt" is two of the masons. it's
not the point of the matter.
I ran up to the stage at 4
to sing with my twelve-
year-old brother's
choir.
* I am not a wizard any longer. they do not exist. I am a witch.
French princehood
Louis de Bourbon
asked me,
"have you been bitten?"
I said to him,
"I am one, ba-silly."
Shepherd's Pie
The proposition
was too sweet, Prince Louis. .
I had just finished up with
a shamanic addiction
to crack-cocaine,
and I had
abs for days.
but you didn't have
to backhand me with
fifty-thousand dollars for a kiss
while I was living in a homeless shelter.
maybe he really was hotter than me.
thanks for
dinner.
Admonish a monster (I am sorry to Prince Louis' straight models)
To demonstrate:
any liberties that
can and will be
taken are thus
demonstrated.
* He asked me about the Gods.
† I told him that I worship Uranus.
‡ He warned me that Uranus was a psychopath.
After I told him I was straight
I told him
I was straight.
he told me
that he
paid $50,000
with a cheque
to a wealthy man's
sweet boy at the derby.
I asked him
on our final phone call,
"Why don't you shove that up my ass, Louis?
buy me a hotel room
and I'll return the favor
if I can ever
get my cock
up for you."
Short ribs
We spoke over
dinner,
he asked me if I'd
heard
of the Mason's Lodge
in downtown New York.
something in him
spoke about the nine-star
as well.
we went the following night.
Spiritual sight (kidsophrenia)
★ Neutrinos:
✡ Holy spirit is "electrical" current in the air—3yrs
✵ Demons are made of 3D static—5yrs
✺ There is no being more powerful than I - 7yrs
✧ I am my father's father - 9yrs
۞ I saw an elderberry bush glow + 25yrs
Manhattan
I was living in
a little known Manhattan homeless
shelter.
we met
for drinks
the day of
my last episode of schizophrenia. I was calm
in his presence. he waited for me to see him 'clearly.
in the lodge, there was
a locked door to a library—I wasn't supposed to be there.
there was a large table with
geometric cloth and unrecognizable imagery—motifs I have
found in rare books of alchemy,
presidential portraits. . . and a four-pronged staff on the wall
Bid to Psychopathy
-
-
- Commanded Father to divorce Mother at 9.
-
-
- Beaten 2/3 to death, walked back to airport where they came from.
-
-
-
-
-
- Walked 120 miles without eating.
- Remained awake for 2 days in Snowy Park, Colorado.
- Tortured in Starbucks: electrocuted, lashed, bowed by weights.
-
- Marries SM.
'Nowhere
Nowhere in Alabama
can you see the trees
burning,
burning
black and white
static.
I stopped at a gas station
I 'stopped
and I asked
for some cigarettes.
he spoke in tongues,
and he was a youngin'
to a youngling—
Ol' Mother interrupted,
"we don't have those,
try Lucky Strikes."
I smoked 5.5 packs
per day
in FL, FL.
It's almost a competition
It's
almost
a competition
to see
who
is
the
most
hot-messed up
(1/3 undergrads
diagnosed bi-polar
at PSU)
and still
graduate
with
meds:
- ptsd
- dermatophagia
anxiety
s.a.d.
depression
- bi-polar
social anxiety
schizo-affective, depresso
schizophrenia, bi-polar
(holy shit)
autism (Russian)
cold war symptoms:
how many meds in the drawer.
- uoᴉsnlǝp pɹɐʇoƆ
- ɐᴉʇuǝɯǝp ʇǝsuo ʎlɹɐǝ
- pS┴Ԁ-Ɔ
Trauma bitch
If you exaggerate outside
of physical reality
and beyond
"your emotional
comprehension",
you will marry
a bottle.
*drinks
Mother
I watched my father
bend you over his knee
and spank you for your
9th drink-of-the-day.
a preacher and
counselor projected
demons onto you.
my father told me
to put the checks
into the box myself.
our house was torn down to the studs,
we used the dryer for heat.
he said he would remodel the house, it was in shambles
from my age 6 to when it was repossessed.
No solution
Shotguns at 10,
breaking down the office door
the second time.
the first time
was my
mother at 7.
my own mother turned
in documents of monies
in cash to get a 10-year-old
back. She did finally, and
let her forever-fiance
drink himself to death
in front
of me.
an un-gunned man
and a ten-year-old,
what did he steal from you,
$1.96m already owed,
and plans
to move
a hundred-thousand
to and island?
solution,
God does not win
versus the U.S. IRS.
I believe he
knows what
deadman is—
failing to pay
payroll tax.
please,
under god,
do not let
me go there.
* I was coerced into business with him at seventeen.
† I did not sign the document.
‡ I took $96,000 when he strong-armed me.
§ A financial criminal cannot establish a corporation.
¶ If he won't be a grandfather, I'd like him to burn.
# I turned him in to the IRS recently, past statute of limitations.
What is
Optimization?
abuse
my pitching arm
until you all
collectively
owe me
thirty-million,
when I should have been a hitter.
just so, I don't give a fuck,
and I don't see a singlular
fuck in sight. I'd rather
literally fuck a donkey.
and I'll sign up for the draft
just to bleed the general.
and you'll find out later
what I'm saying about
women. . . I am one.
rule number one:
no crying in poker.
folding QJ suited
in the CO. lol
for the first four
rounds, I'll play
AJ UTG, on god.
if I think of the
96k my father lost
by not stopping,
and the 500k+? (1969)
my grandfather
lost to the
men in suits,
damn him,
damn him,
damn him mother.
would I give
up my family
for a surprise
early death?
I'd load up,
see if my heart
gives out
first.
Fuck cats
Lit-teral-ly end yourself
if you bele-ive this
but I'm a melan-
cholala
Recap, recall, recap
What did
Vikings do
during peace?
(what is peace)
bring gold up to
mountaintops.
French floral
Tastes like the chew
I never tasted,
except when I was
twelve,
my brother
6 bitch
beers
1 bag
of red
1 bottle
of lime
Smirnoff
baseball,
I was addicted
before I ever
gave
up
Iron Curtain
What it
took:
that woman
had to woman up
early,
take care of
her siblings.
maiden her.
be crows,
squack. squack.
working Wallstreet
online
in Miami Beach.
she wasn't
daft.
she
wasn't
gorgeous.
but what the hell
is a boob job?
she already
covered
up.
She was beautiful
To God, was she beautiful.
flat chested.
flat assed.
$300k/yr finance brain. I'd hit it. .
Man down
I am down enough
to not
commit
suicide
immediately,
but instead go
to
church,
addiction,
mal-nutrition,
and a prince-bee
died,
that's feminism to a
tee.
and there's plenty of
tea.
even without me being
drunk
on wine and mystery
so wish without
su-
ffe-
r'ring
Gym class hero
I was with her
in highschool
and I wasn't an excellent
runner, but I was a great motivator.
she could barely run,
but she was 5'10
and the gym teacher
told her to run with me.
she kept
up.
so for my birthday in
Miami
Beach
she gave me a card with $1000 cash in it.
thank you sweetheart. I'm sorry I didn't spend
more of it for
Valentine's
Day.
Your voice
She told me,
"your voice is light
over the phone."
I cried when she called me angry.
I'm proud of telling her
lightly
to get breast implants.
Cursed, "strongest eighteen-year-old we've ever drafted."
Cursed
by chicken's blood
and
listless I was,
my heart was
charged—
not seen
enough
blood.
they
were
not
team.
what
is sport
for the poorest?
war. recap
595 X 6 after
sprint with the dominicans
just to show you what a Viking D—O. gold to
mountaintops.
* Unrecorded: top 10% Texas Ranger sprinter. Torn hamstring a week before the trials.
Big difference
Love let’s you do things that you should
not do
to win.
her heart is something to be won, as in a game, as in a showcase of skill.
I didn’t learn this game (all too well), I expected hearts to be given and received.
I expected words to be shared and believed.
but who feels safe being protected
By the dumb.
The mystical whiskey, the dangerous diary
We were on a five day treck
cross country
with our dirtbikes (go to the Sacred Valley
before Machu Picchu)
and our whiskey,
the rest was thrown into
the ravine.
Indian cow-pies (I will be high)
I saw a bat
wandering around
on the bank of the Ganges,
a bat the size of a
large/
extra large
chicken.
if you
largest
bats
in india,
you
are
clueless—
and I
wanted
to eat it
but I don't
believe
that I
did.
meat is
illegal
in
Rishikesh
and
you
practically
have to
go
to
the darkweb
for a beer.
Molly's game
Molly
was
my
cat.
she was a beautiful
tortoise
calico.
King tore her eye out
and she became a
cunt.
Ryan put needles in the nerf gun
and handed it to me.
good big Brother.
Impossible bitch
It's called
a
cunt.
and what
is the whole
country?
. . of Alaska
Taking a bet
Taking a bet
to the house
does not always work out.
I purchased a MP issue
Sig Sauer, and it jammed 5 times
in 100 rounds.
what is a madman doing with a
firearm? why does god play
dice with so many lives?
I could have killed
so many from
a window.
Purgatory - Zeno's Paradox
Zeno's point is that you will never make it to the end of your inner journey. The end is your soul's release from the central-cortex-inhibited journey. When this happens, your brain no longer functions as the imagination of the journey. You will then be judged, but it gets factorially worse. Do not witchcraft an amazing purgatory unless you want to be judged at factors of the potential reward otherwise.
I have free-based my cerebellum and I believe I can complete the process to have a vampire-pharaoh purgatory. I would like to die in my sleep next to my soulmate.
* Vampires had cocaine somehow.
† Pharaohs definitely had poppy.
‡ How on earth does anyone grow coca in 18th century Romania? They did not grow it.
§ It is illegal to possess opium in the United States.
Satan himself
Understands
my step-father's
'patience. what is $7,000
from me, personally?
every misery you justify with
suffering
is
exactly what
you'll get in
hell.
how much
more
patience,
son,
does a dande-
lion
have?
and
what
of a goat?
we're square.
every
patience'
that you justify with suffer'ring
is exactly
what
you'll
get
in
hell
every
damned
day,
but
don't
make
videos
because it's
Satan himself.
This beautiful little boy
He’s crying murder my goodness I am too.
the airlines lost every nice
piece
of clothing I own,
and I haven’t slept
in thirty-four hours,
except for the little
nap I just had while
he cried.
clothes from
another life,
cashmere
professorial
D&G, old sole
chacos, black on black,
my only pair of
worn-out running
shoes,
two-thirds of what
I could even manage
to work out in,
and
the
clothes
I wore to last meet you.
clothes are useless as my tears when your ears hurt so bad.
can’t help smiling at him,
...
German mythology
Plumbum,
fucking so much ass
you forget to have a child,
you fucking pack of cigarettes.
my record is 5.5/day,
what's a Floridian gay:
we have technology,
you don't have to
hold yourself
behind.
I fucking
made myself
gay
in fact
you're just not
hot enough
the last time I was paid
he was a fucking
sexy
model
pilot
and
GOD
charged me out
the ass, all my sweetest
G-pa
The little spade
I'm done. my birthday was on the
tenth. it's the grandpa energy that I enjoy. . . six thousand
hours of practice down the drain. . . and I enjoyed quitting poker.
my last win was the worst and the best.
$1,200 ticket.
$14,000 for third.
$38,000 for first place.
my first shot at real money.
you'll never have what I wanted to get you. you'll have more.
I knew what you really wanted.
you deserve more than I won,
and you deserve more than
I am.
the wifi went down. held KK on the button.
was forced to fold. sb raised. bb called. the flop came KT9.
sb checked. bb raised. sb called. turn. sb raised, bb jammed.
AA v QJo. QJo won. I might've lost in 8th place for nothing to speak of.
I played fine for another two hours. this is the second magical win of my life.
the first was a bad choice of cocaine
dealer. I nodded off. decided to
go for gold and hope I got all
of the fentanyl already—
for nothing.
3rd place.
for $800.
but I was sober for this 3rd place. I'll play with $20.00 once a week. wish for me. I'll have to play while you watch so you know I suck warranting quitting for life. I'll play for you.
I am the I am
My soul-mate has one
child by another man,
she shares another
soul forever.
I can give
this damn, my self speaking,
writing,
and knowing that I refuse a childhood treasure
from GOD
himself outright
if she were to be a single mother
before we had a child of our own.
* I had a dream of
4 witches—
worse,
dark,
darker,
bloody—
blackest night,
a pearl necklace,
bloody teeth.
what'd they speak?
† I woke up horrified.
worst case,
we have four bpd women and a gay moose.
‡ "S-chiz-oph-ren-ia"
Martyrdom
My head swims with all kinds of treacherous
voices of gods and monsters,
and I choose not to embody one.
I've never
prayed
for
war.
once I threw
a whole tray with 200 dollars worth of food on it
off of the balcony of a 3 million dollar condo
on The World,
then fasted for
five
days
with a woman who was supposed to be on my side forever.
then she cut her self and attacked me because she was jealous of my sister?
what am I supposed to do now,
post a sex video? I love you.
I can prove that in spirit, and we'll both burn
in the end with our children
believing every word you think is true until they
won't.
Raped by a wasp
Told (in text)
that I (then)
(blocked)
coerced
you
therapy
wouldn't
help me.
try
getting
raped
by a
therapist?
try being
a secondary
✧ abuser
telling
them
you
were
abused.
rewrite, up 5 blocks
The Caracal
The guardian of the playground,
the gatekeeper of bullying, who nerfed himself on the fitness tests
by training on the day of, unknowingly
dug a hole for water behind second base and sprained his ankle badly a week before the draft
deadlifted 595x6 while training up with Dominicans for speed, and pulled his hamstring for the first time a few days before the trials
-
In 5th grade, the year after I divorced my parents, I became a dog and plagiarized everything. My teachers awarded me for it in every subject but mathematics and science. When I was caught cheating in math, my math teacher held a conference with my father, and my father convinced her to allow me to be accelerated. I studied through 6th and 7th grade math and science the summer before 6th grade, passed the tests, and moved on. I lost ease in biology and chemistry during high-school and college. I needed anti-anxiety medications instead of marijuana. I almost didn't graduate high-school because I was unable to write the senior paper.
Anti-depressant destination
When Heather was losing it more than periodically, cutting herself,
and forcing me to sleep next to a person who had already taken a knife to me,
I left to Medellin.
More beautiful scenery than Portland. Better food. Much better psychiatry, too.
I texted her 15 times a day and spoke on the phone with her every night.
She ended up in the hospital on my adivan. I got a call from her father,
"(I'm not going to visit but) she's in the hospital."
I caught the next flight home, unfortunately.
Why not talk about fate
The sturgeon that I caught in second grade
was half an inch too
long. we were on a pro's fishing boat
but my father was too honest.
Retreating from battle
I grew up in a war
of town-wide proportions:
a father who locked my mother in 6 ways
financially, and spiritually, she was already destroying herself and her family
alcoholism, cheating with her ex-husband, being obtusely blind to behavior that needed discipline,
denying herself any obsolete cause for justice besides alcoholism and psychopathy.
it was, and you wouldn't really believe, because nobody died, sickening.
I believe it's possible to live in peace with a lover and spouse,
and even if it's necessary to go to battle,
always win the war
for peace.
Freud,
My mother wanted $500,000 (1973)
from-with father
by the time
she turned
nineteen.
Yung,
Phil - I give you permission
To tell it better, if you will.
Philip gregory brill
saw Mt. St. Helens erupt.
he jumped in his small plane
and took the 'picture
before a helicopter
could get there.
MY MOTHER BURNED IT.
* you don't have a scan do you
† you stupid mother-father fucker.
‡ you should have been shipping coke.
§ I saw it.
¶ I was not smart enough to check complimentary photos.
# I believe you.
Demo-phant
A word is
the only thing
keeping me from
stomping you to
to death. what the
heck is a
number?
I don’t need
to doubt
anything I
just need food
to my mouth.
A BONSAI TREE,
and you show me
me to water it
I am going to have a ball
I haven’t deleted a single
text
or email, etc., damnit I
just cleared my
voicemails for the
first time-
since 2011
I just made
300 dollars
and
I’d rather
lie
about
a
zero
so
what
is
roman?
My 'mother
Laid in bed with me, planting seeds about my father. I was three, four,
five. narcissism. sociopathy. "narcissist", "psychopath"
now she cannot touch me
without a rage, a fear, a stress
that eventually
gets me to
believe
her.
Distasteful trauma
To not help a family member
fulfill his life's greatest potentiality,
in time, in a way that is
relative.
Seeking alpaca
Did you know that three alpacas
gave me a background photo op
and
we
gotit
as I was chasing your mom
Grief and alcoholism
Once
I saw
a woman
sitting beneath the ATM
in Huaraz. she cried to me,
and I felt bad enough to give her a twenty. and then I thought it through,
and I remembered my mother.
I saw her the next day, crying, crying professionally, a wailer begging.
and I hated her a little
bit,
and right now,
in the other room,
my mother is wailing
over my brother
as she drinks
with one
chance
to be a
mother
to me.
Today marks 3 years, 7 months, and 2 weeks,
so I bought her an ice cream cone,
and she's wailing harder,
so I hate her more,
and more, as
I imagine
my brother
shooting up
with her laying next to him,
comforting him
the fucking momma's boy.
The first time I begged
I begged god for the lights,
had the favorite spot I’d go.
on my longboard,
at 11:30 at night,
they lined up perfectly.
all three colors:
halogen, halide, phosphorus. . . no idea.
Venetian glass
My grandmother was a great grandmother.
my mother would leave me alone for hours at night
after she chased my father away
for fifteen hours a day
and sat at the Chinese restaurant
drinking $8 glasses of wine.
I would wait in the driveway with my
mountain dog named King.
American Psycho
You know what my nicest
collection
was, not my SE IWC, or my black gold,
it was shell cordovan.
6 or 7 or 8.
or actually several because two were size 12
but I just wanted there and gone
after the watches.
scuffed with 6-8 hundred grit:
damn the rest of them for eternity.
may very well be scuffed by tanks.
for history's sake:
Rolex 16613, so I want to buy you Chopard 274894-5001
and then I want AP 26331IP.OO.1220IP.01
Black Hublot 542.CM.1771.RX,
Panerai PAM00351 : Titanium (dark brown on dark brown),
"I like this watch but (I'm afraid to use it because) it's too shiny."
"Remember Bible study is tomorrow at 6pm. ❤"
* PAM00351 : Titanium (dark brown on dark brown) has etchings in the titanium case.
† They will never come out, and I could recognize them.
‡ I'd rather find it. It's somewhere in Russia probably.
The robber
He was two feet tall
and six inches wide,
he cried; creed,
he cried.
Five babies (sm)
Whenever the fuck you wake up
and when you go to sleep,
if you have more than 8
white claws,
I'll
* I don't actually know your learned alcohol tolerance. It is great.
† we will share 60mg of adderall.
Living
Living with my mother at 31
"You know, if you were
a disciplined human-being whatsoever,
you could tell me what's on your mind."
Drinking vodka/redbull, one sip
Post workout, immediate expressed anger 4 at S.
* whatever I would write.
† needs to be a 6.
‡ learned alcoholism
§ if talking as harshly in front of the children is her 4, it must also be an 8.
KRxKS
I don’t know what the
example is, except that
for severe anxiety, I need
R
you can agree in capitulation
all you possibly could imagine,
and then come into your wom-
-anhood and be impossibly dis-
-dainful and professionally sex.
I need to know that you are able to
intellextualize hard enough that norms
are completely disregarded for practicality
and unbiased-reality. Ketamine is much better
than alcohol, and twice as expensive as white-
claw.
Informations
Drive with these informations?
do not even drive a bike.
1. calories in pack of white-claw surge: 1920
2. calories in a fifth of vodka: 1632
I'm good asf.
* fuck myself.
† my six-year-submariner roomie taught me how to drink water.
‡ I've gotten three father fucking answers: 1600, 1605,1632,.
§ I failed college chemistry before the draft.
Phone Call
I remember
the phone call
on the way through
Atlanta
the way you
spoke
like you loved
me, and
why did
I not have money
so there'd be a
stupid little tv show
with my face
permanently stained
it's sick, like the phone call to
my uncle from jail, who didn't
give a damn because he'd still hire
me.
I made sure he wouldn't
after that.
Hopeless
I'd rather bet for god, against time
and I'm hopeless
so I jam
a gutshot
into top-top
because even
god-willing,
I win one
more
tournament,
I won't even consider
the possibility
of winning top 3 30/100
and buying myself out of
this ridiculous mess
of being triple-dog-damned,
insanity,
felony,
publicly known insanity.
A to an A+
Writing 1010
I sucked at writing
so bad,
I still suck as a writer,
I'd like to be
a speechwrite.
my coercive writing professor
gave me a 93%, an A. .
and I came back
for more.
he gave me shamanism:
shaven (trustable)
impressions are:
the aliens can track
striations. .
but how much better can we,
beardless?
and bodyfat?
12% maximum, genetically relativistic.
21% maximum, genetically relativistic.
* Read The Teachings of Don Juan.
† Take at least 5.5g of mushrooms and look at the final chapters. . .
‡ I never made it past the second book. You must need peyote.
§ Magic mushrooms are illegal in thirty-six states.
¶ Decoding the English alphabet is a fruitless endeavor.
# There exists a universal sign language.
Methinks, meknows (febl)
I have a greater foundation
of knowledge to
assist
in
the
acquisition
of watches
than I do
real
estate.
the facts are
thus,
neither do
iphones
nor
sundials
exist.
but I may
swear to
man's soul
on
color of
a face,
or a fluted bezel. . .
or whether he
should ever be
able to forget
what day it is.
and
some
times
the
swiss
know the numbers
and codes.
Gold medalist
I went up to my Russian professor
Calc IV,V,VI
and asked him to correct an A- test score.
was about to argue my case, but
I was wearing what he was
wearing, high trousers
and an 80's button
up, running for
student
body
president,
and he said, "don't worry, I'll take care of it."
he was an awarded and displaced
professor, probably capable of helping
to develop a fusion bomb.
homie was the
shit.
Penny for your thoughts
Why?
because as a schizophrenic,
I threw a rock through two windows
and was sent to jail
where I
bashed
my
head
on
steel.
all you
do
is
clasp
your
hands.
Ryan APGAR - 0
Due date: July 7th, born on due date. Could not be removed. (conehead)
3pm
7lbs 7oz
22in
Zach APGAR - 10
Water "popped" around 7mo (out of "9") while teaching yoga class, labor medically
ceased.
Orgasm induced labor 3-4 weeks later. Blood squirted, tested as mother's blood.
10:35pm
7lbs 11oz
21.5 in
Baby boss
I was sober until
my mother called me—
figured it out,
beat her to it, and I have a headache for—
oh lord,
alcohol can suck my dick,
but fortunately
I also have a habit of throwing
bottles and cans away
at the trash can
Mommy teresa
What's your record?
I don't think you turned
to vodka with your third
husband. .
can't remember if it
was christmas or
thanksgiving.
so drunk on my 6th birthday
my father sent my friends
home and we went to G.I. Joe's
to buy a rifle for me.
he did the best
he could until I was 15.
Pride and guilt
The day after you blocked me (my poor memory)
the woman who asked for my child (I deleted the texts)
texted me for the first time in a while (I asked her for money)
and in my own pride I decided that if she (she did act a little strange)
wanted to buy me a flight to her place in CO (she has a poker table at home)
I'd agree to give her a child.
I have so much pride in my word,
so much that I'd burry myself,
and I have buried myself
and I've been saved
from it. so now
I feel guilt
and I
feel so
much arrogance
that I'd try to argue
that because you blocked me again
and I warned you, I'd proudly go against
every fiber of my being and create a child
that I am responsible for, and that my children
will find that, at best, was a twisted vengeance in the heart of wooing their mother.
that's a lion's sickness—his pride.
4/2/25
I called the police on my mother yesterday
I called the police on my mother.
We had a deal, she doesn't talk to me when she's drunk.
when she did I said,
"you're drunk."
she hit me in the back with her closed fist on the first step of the stairs.
I turned around and she tried to punch me in the groin.
I called the police. she sat in her car drunk as they spoke with her.
they didn't arrest her.
today, she came into the bedroom that I sleep in drunk
and I told her to get out.
she refused.
when pushed past her in the doorway, she threatened to call the police
on me.
I managed to leave to the gym,
and I've come home to her crying hysterically,
"you're Phil Brill, you are your father, you killed my son, you killed Ryan.
you ruined everything."
last month she took my check and cashed it herself. She took $350 of my $950 rent check that I needed to move out, claiming that I owe her the money.
4/3/25
He sits like a wrestler
The murderer, indiscriminately
he tried to get into his Facebook
using my phone number this morning at 06:37.
he tells me GOD looks like this.
Houses of the moon
Whistling, we march in 3's
I need my opium and nicotine.
I literally wanna burry my
codex beneath one.
Excuse my
youngest
He's a piece
of shite.
We
will be
going
into the
restricted
sections.
* whistling does call
upon the spirits
and that's why
I'm high, and
we have two
pieces of shite.
† so, if you whistle
in houses of the
moon, they're
supposed to
take your money.
How's $2015?
"ты можешь продолжить."
‡ the spirits will sue.
§ they don't need your money.
¶ they are liable to curse you if you ignore them.