Angel
Wonder why
the wheelbarrow
doesn’t hold more
than one book. . . . .
I think it holds many,
a hundred maybe—
so many we've kept,
so many we have left.
Honey
I'm drinking milk and vodka
my widow tooth is coming in
and I'm missing the point
of my only appointment
and the appointment.
Deep dive
I was hurt. burned.
set on fire.
so tired
when you sent me the
blue heart.
I began to love you again,
and I begged you without words
for loving me without
blood on your lips.
I've said it, have you?
what you need,
and not what you want. unless
you want to
come up for air tonight
I can take it if you say it,
what you need
and not what you want, if
you've done a deep dive.
I’m in hate with you, lady
I’m in hate.
what do you
need, time?
I’m living what
you lived through.
I want love with you, woman.
I need to dance
in the family room.
Honestly
Honest—
love you.
I had a vision
Sitting on the fence
so long,
I became a part of it.
it was a piece of me.
out of the sides of me,
I had all of my boards
in a line,
too.
Lord knows
I hvn crd,
I wsh the floor
eey week.
incorrect
Can't
Can't hate myself and love you.
in wishing that you were here with me,
I cave in so deeply
that you wouldn't
even know who I am,
so tell me who you are within me.
I screamed to GOD.
a lady across the aisle
has a tattoo on her right calf
in red ink.
I put my glasses on.
"Sophia,"
I am weeping now.
I walked off the bus in a hurry,
only sure I was downtown.
I looked up to see the plaza
and had to bring you flowers.
I put them back
and grabbed the only one I saw.
She smirked at me
Practiced pulling our child behind my back
bicycle
today
an elderly asian woman, she wore a green cap
with the brim all the way around, backstreet boys,
forest green. I thought around the turns—
I noticed I wasn’t more accurate, I was less. . .
I passed a runner and
I didn’t think to frighten him, I just let off the brakes
a little bit.
Cleft time
I went to the fountain, the roaring
waters,
and sat
by the biggest pile of nuts
left by a squirrel
that I could
find.
I didn’t want to take
them from anyone.
I wondered if you
could hear me,
being closer.
I cry at the
drop
of
a hat,
being closer.
I thought maybe
you could hear me
more---
I can always hear you.
playing poker right now
and it taught me not to
cry now
for fear
I’d weep later,
but I don’t care,
do you?
don’t care much
for crying
right now.
don't care.
I roared with
the rains.
Spankings
A brotha gave me a high-five today.
he reached out his hand—
I’m doing about 30 on a bike,
“Sup man!”
“Sup brotha.”
and it hurt so much.
it almost snapped me out of this feeling,
but not quite. . .
Wings
A brother opened his wings today.
he flew by me downhill
around three curves, a whole minute,
his arms open wide.
I smiled and caught up in the grass.
Homecoming
Do you remember
the homecoming dress
you wore
to meet me?
fresh off the
streets of NYC.
fresh out of all
the trouble
in the world.
shaking and shivering
like a newborn. . .
you were pure
electricity
sitting across
from me.
you were the most
beautiful
thing in the
universe. . .
Sometimes I cry
Sometimes I cry like I breathe.
I cry like I never knew
how to.
before you, I never
liked crying.
I hated
people who cried,
and I hated myself.
I want to write about her
I always want to write about
the way she sounded
when she spoke
with the colors
of an iris.
lavender and soft, and flowing,
lilting and lifting
stones from
the great love
buried
in my heart.
She laughs—
She laughs like a lily,
she laughs,
and she doesn't know it
but this is the only place
in the world where
they grow—
Fourteenth year
Flying saucer
tophat
ship
devil's star
home
moon
sorcery
boat
hourglass
fairy star
Flying
through
your hair,
it's a
busy
bumble-bee
coming
onto
your sweet
scent
of
honey baby.
each and every
strand
is a branch
of
your tree
from
afar and so soft when you're
laying here with me.
I watch the sky flush red
and see his
purple
cries.
man, does he want
a
glance
before the night
rises.
it was just yesterday
when
I wrote a
song for you,
you said sing to
me, sing if your love is
true.
I can
sing to
the night,
I can sing to
your green eyes,
only so that the moon can be jealous too.
there's
only one
thing I want,
only one thing I
need with you.
and that's us,
just us two,
me and
you.
and forget all
about
the
afternoon.
forget who we are,
remember the stars,
just remember our stars.
Justified
If anything is justifiable
in retrospect either way,
it
is bad
faith.
what is a plan?
may the lord forgive us
for our mistakes.
The only thing
I had the
worst time of
my life
as a
boy who was so
afraid
to lose you.
I looked up
at the stars and
aimed,
and shot at
the sky.
I shot at
the moon.
I shot at
every dandelion wish
that I blew.
I'm not scared to lose you anymore.
there's nothing to lose,
and it was
the only thing I've ever
wanted.
Not a thing
There's not a thing I can say to you
when I didn't mean
a thing I said
besides,
"I love you."
If you didn't mean
a thing,
that's ok.
say it again,
and again,
and one
more
time.
I'll listen. .
Unmaking
Out on the steps,
I smoke a cigarette.
I know
they
bring
me
a step closer
to you.
you unmake me—
I'm at one pack
per week, now.
Elderberry (Jan 2025)
An elephant statue sits on my mother's dresser.
I'm laying on her bed. I'm sitting here thinking
about you.
I love you,
and I feel like
every time I think that
I don't,
every moment that goes by
is a piece of myself
that I won't
ever
get
back. so I beg
god that I can hate you.
you didn't block me,
and I can't decide
if I want
something from
you
for every
tear,
so I'm begging you to love me.
I got
up
to find another drink—
I bumped the dresser.
an elephant
that I
brought
from India
fell onto the latch
of my guitar case. it broke. . .
King crow
Why won’t magical thinking even cut it.
I saw her name,
I saw her name after
5000 hours of practicing poker
were damned.
I mean, sure there was some magical thinking
when the King Crow,
the one that stayed
when I roared, “GOD”,
sirred me
outside the poker house.
I said, "I'm in love with a girl, unfortunately."
then I made some jokes about needing to win
money to feed five children.
I called hi-lo
and played hi-hi.
impossible mistake.
when the man took
my money he said, "I'm a father",
so I verbally assaulted him,
then had a little rage session
in the bathroom. I went outside,
screamed at the crows,
and caught a bus
across the city.
I saw a tattoo
of your name
in red ink
at the stop nearest
to your apartment.
Prenuptial agreement
At the bar
Did you like me?
of course I was arrogant, louder than
everybody else combined.
proud to be with you.
and I told you to charge
more
for
your
parking
space. “you will be hated.”
so we made a pre- verbatim. . .
nuptial.
you set your hands down, 8.5
and I went
between them,
14.
I love you.
we can make a bet on cheating. . . I love you more.
double or nothing?
I need a fifty year plan with proceeds from one book.
I might be at war
I might be at war with myself,
there's something
not right with me—
at war I can think as I feel
and do what I don't feel.
the difference is my will.
and so I ask more of you too,
to award it, like I'm a tyrant.
I'm grumpy. . .
I know
I know I was wrong.
I went insane from fearing
the worst, so I showed you
the worst you'll ever know.
I know I was wrong,
I expected your best
to my worst.
Strawberry
It's like a lemon drop—
like those strawberry candies
that
grandmas
always
have.
I never
really
care
about
getting
to the
gooey part,
but if you
really do, you
still
have to suck
on it forever.
Always
It never goes
away if you
can't spell
something
out
you're forced
to wonder about
what is lied
about on principle,
so we need a
Tesla X, 7 seats
with cameras
and each other's
locations and
I probably
won't
drive it
off of
a
Lioness
I need to
tell you again
that I love you.
I haven't slept,
I haven't eaten much.
I can't lay a paw on
the second biggest.
If I don't,
you'll
be
with
him.
so let me slap you in the face.
I'll do it again if you cheat,
then you can decide
if you want
me on
the
street
with a
full of money.
give a reasonable cause.
otherwise, don't you dare threaten
a person that you want to have pride with.
Ballerina
Reach something in the air above
your head. play with the strings,
let me see how your fingers
pull
each
string
of my
heart
and
a little bit—I'll see heaven.
Yoga academy
There was a yelling session—
growling to screaming—
in Rishikesh.
I couldn’t participate
because I was too faithful.
I thought everything happened
for a reason
and I put off the suffering of betrayal.
still, and still, because now I’d scream.
there’s no logic anymore,
it’s serpents
crawling up bamboo
and I accidentally eat them
like a panda
with a side-by-side.
Lies
Why do I feel like
I am
worth
less
because my word is
worth more?
because I don't know
the shit-test.
if you're wanted,
you're wanted.
Thirty-nine
We awaken,
each at a carcass,
burning, shivering
at a center, and torn,
and ripped from a center.
each moment grows deeper.
each blade silent, and hateful. .
No pressure
No pressure,
just hold me
and pretend
like you've
known me
forever.
I am a white witcher
I am a white witcher
which doesn't
wish to
avoid
paying
its taxes.
Golden eagles
My mother used
to hide so many
golden dollars
for Easter,
we'd find them
two years
later.
Together we can fly again
We can fly again to a palacial
room of golden feathers
without any tired eyes
or wishing threats,
in a time now,
in another
palace
together,
we can nest.
we can find the best place
to begin our flight.
We speak in silence
I'm checking her Spotify every hour,
and I swear
I'm writing as she listens
or I'm with her, listening
and I know it sounds crazy,
I just wrote about having sons
SUUNS
and I wrote, all caps, I need to learn
SALES
or I wrote a whole sailboat yesterday
with clouds;
choice and truth.
So I don't want a dog
I want a dog-cat.
one that
choses me,
that is beautiful,
athletic,
unable to
murder me,
and wants
to cuddle
at all times,
and times
that I want
to cuddle.
I'm sorry, and does not meow-bark every other second.
in
fact,
I don't
even think
it's cute, but
with as much
time as I
have
on
my
hands,
I might find
her.
she
can never die,
and you can train
her too. she can
already
do
tricks.
but remember
she's a cat,
A seer
A seer saw me that night
she told me you
were coming back,
and she told
everything—
and to her,
and my destiny—
you will leave me in ten years
with three of our children.
I have wrestled with fangs
with God,
and will you?
an old friend
saw me that night,
too.
I wrote the week before,
"I am done playing poquemon
for young adults."
she kept bothering me
about playing Pokemon Go. she dragged me
away
from the strip club game—asked me
me five or six times. then we went to
ground kontrol and found a timed
infinite-credit game card on the ground. (6hrs)
I wasn't having any fun. We went outside and I told you I'd meet you inside after a cigarette,
and I dissociated. I wish you the best of luck in life and love.
I'm sorry, old friend.
The seer took me to a party the following night and I read my favorite poem to her.
She wept and read this back to me:
I am the queen of the ocean
With fire in my sails
I am the changing wind
And to the sailor, I have no apologies
I am not the rocks that break your bows
I am the warm sand that cradles you when you wash ashore
I will not apologize for my gritty embrace
My broken fingers crackle in your hearts fire
I will not apologize for keeping you warm
I am the rain that extinguishes your embers
But I will not apologize for the water which fills you as you drink from my leaves
I am the salvation of shade when you retreat from the burns the sun feeds you
I will not apologize for my cooling grace
I am the earth which accepts your feet with reverence
I will not apologize for my support
I am the rainbow that makes your lips curl
And I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEAUTY
The only thing I am sorry for is that you only feel the rocks, the broken dreams of the wounded explorer
I offer you warmth, yet you only remember the chill of my gaping waters.
The rainbow taunts you as it settles in from the storm which once quenched you’re body.
I am sorry that you do not see me, feel me, love me in the way that I see, feel and love you
I am sorry that you do not love yourself as my world is willing to
So... I release you, fully and completely to find salvation in yourself......
And... I hope if I do see you again... you are only more beautiful than you were before.
A bunch
I’m going to write a bunch about how
to write love
poems
until I can remember how.
think of something—mostly
someone—but pretend if
you have to. there were
so many
branches
on her,
and
something scary with so many eyes.
once, I fell asleep outside
of a McDonald’s, outside
of
my
mother's
car. I
heard
chittering
in the tree
over my head,
and all of the eyes
at one time—sixteen—
then cooing and gurgling.
I kid you not. they came down one
by one and pranced in a circle around me.
I couldn’t count how many times. the truth is this: they, one
by one, came down from the tree
on the right side to the ground
several feet from me, then back
up to the tree more than once in
succession. I kid you not.
Spinning, whirling lights
I was on a walk
in Varanasi. I didn't know where
I was to start with,
then I found the baang lassi.
next thing
I know
I'm in
the
middle
of three
funeral pires
spun on opium
and high as a kite.
and the streets were
so small,
you could fit half a small
car, and I mean my shoulders
were already too wide.
and they didn't kill me at the interpass
the tuk-tuk driver was like an uber-black,
seven-wide in a three-lane, and he's going
125kph between two concrete-mixers, and
I died three times on the trek.
Patriarch
I was living a low high-life
and $3,000 mistakenly
appeared in my
bank account
from the IRS.
I could have paid to have my record expunged,
but the state would give the money to my abuser.
so in Miami
I bought
a
couth
byzantine bracelet 18k.
in
NYC,
after
some
very
mystical
experiences,
I prayed for children
and 2 men in the west US died
because I would not take the bracelet off.
Lioness card
If you don't do your
homework we're done
for because I don't even
have a reason to read right.
we missed our opportunity to
send a man to jail with a broken
cheek—
you really need to pick up your lioness
card.
read Golda Meir's book and I will go down
on you every day of your life wherein you have
eaten more books than me on the year to date.
I bet the President had a dream about her.
I asked GOD for her first, get in line.
I finished praying her book
just before I left to
Ukraine.
The last
The last wedding
I attended
was actually a beheading.
I ate the bride-groom's
mother out
in the bathroom
and then threatened
him
for cheating.
sorry,
sir. .
Booksmart hunny
Lick a chapter, get the taste. you can't spit it out yet. . .
keep licking—one more chapter.
don't stop telling me about it. I'll stop when you do.
don't stop telling me about it.
Sample size
Correct me if I'm songly,
but without you
I'd never have
enough data.
a sample size
of two
is just me and you.
to create an energetic laughter,
we need seven-stars.
Felt
I felt you
tonight,
there wasn't any
reason,
but I cried so hard.
I know we're trying to
be together
when neither of us
knows what to do.
Heller
I am a masochist,
god,
and I
wanted
hell, so I
am Helen Keller.
Carefree nature
A natural cycle that
occurs is not
given to care/
and you won't make
a time
to
be
good
without
making
up
the time.
make time for her with
a greeting
at home,
make love
and smell
roses.
Close to God
I feel close to her like
some people feel
close
to god.
I know
GOD in one-in-quintillions,
I know her in prayer.
love her so,
I’ll march down the road
to be the last face she sees.
hate her so
I don’t do it barefoot
just so that it hurts more.
Red
I could write a
poem for you tonight.
drank two beers in the parking lot,
asked for a soda. . .
somebody called me an asshole
for crossing the street
on a red (my red, their red).
I said "oops" (really softly),
and "hey",
really loudly.
Zorro
You merked three innocent men
just to capture me? I will tell you.
I know the secrets of death’s dog.
they missed me twice,
then I pulled two
out of my flesh.
when I walked into their trap,
I crossed my ankh, sickle
and lay down for a time
to recover what life
I had left to live
In death.
Horse’s ass
How poor do you need to be
to ask your poor parents to die?
I understand Ghengis killed his brother
and that’s low,
but if our parents still want of us,
want justice from us,
want justice from themselves,
from their lives,
ask them kindly to eat a few hundred apple seeds
simultaneously. .
I cried enough
I cried enough
that something beautiful came out of
my skin, and I began creating makeup.
I began creating so much that
what was apparent is no longer,
and what was terrible is so pretty,
and where the spots were so dark, and interesting—
together we could have a whole palette of markings.
I cried blood from my fingernails
Children sit on rocks,
have to know things
physically painful.
they'll kill for the knowledge
and die for the resurrections of—
they won't ever have to be
themselves
ever
again
Snorting, giggling the good life
Reading isn’t something to laugh at,
but when 7 or 8 people are in the house
and the stereo and guitars are
never used—
Father sings opera to the
little bugs,
and the rugs are cleaned every season—
there's nothing going on
on the coffee table anymore except coffee.
to wake up:
french toast with genuine maple syrup
and Bukowskian Pavarotti. . .
“Mom, my Scientific American's gone!”
“Dad has it.”
everyone wishes they knew
what he’s up to.
“he’s preparing wagers for
which theories will be incorrect
in what decade, and which are in the Stone.”
we’re interested enough to
talk about souls,
and we will be.
we all fill them out secretly, and we count
them all
at once.
The little spade
I'm done. my birthday was on the
tenth. it's Grandpa energy that I enjoy. . . . . six thousand
hours of practice down the drain. . . and I enjoyed quitting poker.
my last hand was the worst and the best.
$1,200 ticket.
$14,000 for third.
$38,000 for first place.
my first shot at real money.
you'll never have what I wanted to get you. you'll have more.
I knew what you really wanted.
you deserve more than I won,
and you deserve more than
I am.
the wifi went down. held KK on the button.
I was forced to fold. sb raised. bb called. the flop came KT9.
sb checked, bb raised, sb called. turn. sb raised, bb jammed.
AA v QJo. QJo won. I might've lost in 8th place for nothing to speak of.
I played fine for another two hours. this is the third magical win of my life.
the second was a bad choice of
dealer. I nodded off. decided to
go for gold and hope I got all
of the fentanyl already—
for nothing.
for $800.
3rd place.
but I was sober for this 3rd place. I'll play with $20.00 once a week. wish
for me. I'll have to play while you watch so you know I suck. I'll play for you.
Meat is for men and women
I dare not ask for better than choice.
wagyu costs dearly and coats the mouth
heavenly. but I’ve had my fill, and I ask that
she get at least a bite of something heavenly
tonight.
Just pastures
Had anyone said, even once,
that they deserved you?
no one deserved to say it.
no one reserves the right.
every day that goes by
is another one
that I can’t,
either.
and every night I wonder
when the words
might come for me
that I might.
Speechless
I don't have
much
to
say, I hit myself
in the
skull
like an idiot. like
some
sort of
psychopath.
like an autistic
child that
knows he shouldn't
be wailing out loud
and
doesn't
know
how
to
stop.
Poet
I'm
trying
so
hard to play
at love with you on your terms.
you
win. I've
been trying so
hard
so
that
you have
some respect
for me. I respect
some purity of benevolence,
of soul
of heart
of mind,
of grace and benefit in doubts,
of gratitude towards
a lesser. I am a lesser, and I
tried to be an equal.
I tried to win a game
that I
forfeit
by money.
Love poems to me
Pretend something sweet,
pretend I’m a woman one time,
otherwise my
confidence
is only what I can get you to wear,
or eat, or sleep in.
I do not want to be a woman,
but it’s a tall order to ask anyone
to believe in me.
that’s probably the whole Bible in a
nutshell.
if I had no fear of failure, I'd still be afraid to
leave you,
and if I wasn’t afraid to lose you,
I’d be less afraid of buying a ring.
Lovely
Each tear evaporates
on my reddened cheeks
before they can
wetten
a pillow.
falling like a samara,
they can only have light
for themselves,
and your spinnerets in a tangle of hopeful,
undignified loss
catch me
with something
that
was already
finished.
A lady in white
Stone
steps
caress
each one
of your toes
like ladles—
where
tears
fetched
them with puddles,
there's a water. the sunlight
blossoms onto your feet
through leaves as
you walk down to us
waiting,
waiting for you.
I'm
awaiting
eternity. . . . .
Red, Arabic
red: I am angry at you
I am hurt.
you are not going to hurt me
anymore.
Arabic: I can’t look at you,
we are done
and
you
are
with
me now.
With words for the evening, I pray
I pray that I can believe every—even the untrue ones—
every word.
every time you
speak,
you're
saying
something
that is good
for me or good
for us both, whether
or not I want
to hear it or you want to say
it.
I want to know that you
have it in your heart to win something in my
heart. win something
that will
not doubt that you're my
Heaven.
From Gold, disciplined in romance
"I love you", (≥ twice given that you love me that day) every day.
"I'm sorry", (logarithmic regression) beginning once daily.
"Red".
"Arabic".
A kiss on the cheek every day with our children.
It's 2:52 and I'm drinking
I'm drinking vodka
and I just took some adderall.
I don't know everything I did wrong,
and I don't know if I'm supposed to be
a dog.
I can't love you
in as many words as
I
have
for love.
respect,
dignity,
confirmation,
kindness,
affirmation,
expression of right to be yourself
with explanations of who you want to become.
Don't mind me if I'm angry
I thought that the story was warranted to explain myself.
I thought the picture of that first kiss, me being nineteen,
her
being
25 was o.k.
I figured deleting women
on my instagram
that were
only mutually
followed
as
romantic
interests
was actually
helpful
to earn
your love.
A special kind of love drunk
I was off
a fifth of
vodka,
60mg
of adderall
and
an adivan.
I felt your mother grip the wheel with my right hand.
I did some cardio
While I
slurred
some Russian. remember that picture that you took
chubby cheeks
I asked for god
and I got a 100%
on Duolingo.
Here's your next card:
Choose carefully
#1 Hopscotch
#1.5 Powell’s (each pick out two books for the other to read)
#2 My choice
#2.5 Bachata (pick anything else)
#3 Portland Spirit Dinner (March 7th or later)
#3.5 Late night roller-skating
Choice of 2 must add up to 1/2 in the first decimal place.
Don't choose bachata. I've never done it.
Love, I'll be doing [sic], drinking, and working out. .
She must know why my grandmother loved venetian glass
She must know
why my grandmother loved venetian glass,
why priceless gifts
are often so delicate.
ornate workings of the pen
are not only meant to support weight:
to study forces, and flowings
and beauty. . .
the karesansui mustn't be trodden upon
without the deliberation and form—
the care of a rake behind the walker
makes disturbable stone.
Bring something to me, Mother
Bring a gift me me, Mother.
pleading
through
tears,
there's one
thing I can ask.
it's too simple.
it's witchcraft.
there's no spell
that will break
in a snap of
the fingers
in
my
book.
We weren’t meant for each other
Do you believe me when I tell you
that I saved
the only foot and ankle massage video
on my insta
the night before
you polished a bottle of 1800
and fell into the bush?
I’d be curious to know
before I ever see you again,
or I’ll speak
truth as lie. do you believe it was me
that put “Lola” into the rock on
Angel’s Rest? when it feels so rotten,
write it down to hold me
accountable in love.
House-man
Is this what you want? I'll be
a 50's house-husband. I'm sure this
is what they felt like with a bad voice. .
I don't know what to ask for from you.
I sigh at this laden
to be fucked over
shit. . tigons, ho'.
High-class marriage
What is joyful?
openness.
what is sorrowful?
money-talks.
what is life-long?
monogamy.
Sleepless
I woke up sick
to my
stomach
three times
last night. I
wish throwing up
would make it easier.
Retirement
“So, you'd pay me for two
years to learn poker?”
as long as you valued your losses.
didn't you?
no.
I shook with rage.
I starved for them.
I woke up every day and smoked cigarettes.
I won every bag of blow three times over.
The trouble
One
not-really
a-joke
saying
in my family
was,
"the trouble started
when you
hit me back."
Pillow princess
There's nothing I can do for you
when I'm
insecure,
in doubt,
under-the-weather,
or working sixty-plus hours a week.
Hop-scotch
Remember us on
the sidewalk,
I don't remember
very much
from those years.
I remember dancing
at church,
the cross
upside down,
middle
fingers higher
than the cross
skipping
down the sidewalk—
I put my
music
on. I know
you
didn't
like it,
but if you
can
stand
it, the promise
still stands
(10 cities)
The chaperone
What a vibe-killer,
a chump, a candlestick—
he wrote
a song
for me
and we never
did it. tried.
couldn't get it up.
I regret every
time that I brought
him along,
I remember
catching his
eyes after he
caught
yours—
that look.
you hated
him as much
as I ended
up hating
him in the
end. he kept us apart.
Split open
A single image
can split open a nutshell of the past
and memory shoots
to every direction,
sprouting its fingers and toes,
and it's vines
and flowers
until our garden's
alive
in all of its fragrances.
To reveal
And that's part
of your problem,
you don't
believe
that you have enough
not to
reveal,
and she does not
tell enough
and she doesn't have
enough
to reveal it
and she loves that you would know it
and not
and not go
to hell with her
in order to find peace
because there isn't any
I don’t want
I don't want someone
that wants
to become
someone who can love me
I want
someone
who believes
[in me]
every (fucking) word
I (goddamnit) say, when I say,
I just want to feel like you mean what you say.
well I’ve
died to show that
what I say
is not how I feel (sometimes), but what the fuck I mean.
well figure it the fuck out because
I just want to fuck you—
I hate that you don’t want to try to give me the peace—
I need to love you. .
Addict
There's nothing I can dream tonight, praying, I'm praying
for children
or for
cocaine
or for
a hangover that is
not-so-bad
tomorrow.
how sick is this—
I came back from hell
O.K.
and now
I'm dreaming, dreaming
of heaven
and I fall down
here on earth
rather than
lay
in
the
dirt.
despicable.
the first
death
pact
I made
was to my mother,
"I'll kill myself if
I get oral herpes."
and then I watched my brother waste away.
I got it just yesterday from SM.
Some credit
I might have
killed her,
I might have
killed H.A.V.
I was looking for a
free ride to Hawaii,
and you called me
and told me you love me.
What is not an addict (drop that acid)
What I used to be with
everything—
abhorrent to alcohol
anything else was great
on
occasion.
drop it
for fuck's sake.
do it for
fuck's sake.
for
fuck's
sake.
Sluts
We were in my little A3,
3 girls in the back,
a protected dealer
riding shotgun next to me.
my brother called me for the last time. . .
SM and I hadn't met up since around
the time that
I last
brought
her
to meet him.
there was a little loft
and we were pussy-footing
around too little or too much. .
he decided to shoot some peanut m&m's
no look
from the floor
man, was he an incredible shot—
nothing's open.
. . . when I picked up on speaker,
they started chirping at me,
"who's that, who's that (who's that)?"
"who're these sluts?
. . .where's the last one?"
The whipping
A fisherman
born and bred,
he could put a treble hook
through a steel-head's
steel head
on a bright and sunny day.
I always brought a book
and it always ended up in the water. . .
usually after me.
back then, I couldn't take him. too fast.
a cheetah on a baby giraffe.
when my caracal went missing,
my brother came by unannounced
he knew I wasn't alright.
we went for a hike.
I asked him if he'd
help me put up some
flyers around the city.
he said, and I quote,
"I'd call the cops on him myself."
so I took his fishing pole
and whipped the hell out of him,
straight across his back.
last three 96mph throws I had left.
he laughed, and laughed. . .
we put up about 300 flyers
and someone called a
couple days later to tell
me they found him
playing on a rocky cliffside.
The yips
I've only ever been
a big dog, sleepy eyed,
and now I've got the shakes.
please don't leave.
afraid to bark for you
during business
hours, afraid to ask you to call me.
will you call me
more than
you
will
want
esteem?
from who?
Doggone
He's afraid you will cheat on him.
it's a tough ask for pity from
an injured animal.
I know you've been through it. so has he.
there's not a chance in a
wired world
but
don't hop the fence,
try your best
to pretend
you're me.
The worst
The worst
possible thing that I could imagine besides a DWI,
is finding
that my son
is addicted to
child pornography.
the poor
man in me might show the (fire)
Führer
himself: destroy
every wifi-adaptable
device in
the
home.
there's
the prince, (ice)
who might
be able to
put the fear
of hell in
him for life.
have him
taken to jail
not knowing
why.
and
there's
the
rich (ice & fire)
man
who
knows
what
military
cybersecurity
can pay.
Canceling the choir
If you cancelling someone else
is because you don't know your own
self, subtlety implied,
you might need to be canceled by the choir.
Write it (uncancelled)
If your expectations are expectations
that your expectations augment
the reality of another
to the degree that their change in behavior
will give you a sense of power
lesser than my indignation:
canceled.
Canceled
If your implications
when impolite actions are abound
are not reinforcing the behavior
agreed
then they are going to get you
uncanceled, canceled.
Despite everything
You know what a bad man needs to fall
in love with:
every kind thing you’ve ever done.
don’t lie, or do.
tell me about the time you
sacrificed popularity
or tell me how fast
that new kid fell
in love with
you
Date for so long
So long to realize the little things
that turn you on—
I’m sorry I had so many of you like her,
and she’ll never
know why I
couldn’t let her
know
Faith
I’m afraid to cry
for reasonable judgment.
if I could just have faith,
maybe I can cry tomorrow.
maybe tomorrow will come
and I’ll have you—
that is weakness, and so
I pray for miracles.
The little things
Ballet in your touch, and your grasp
of keeping the edge and point of a blade away
from soft things like my eyes, if you want them sharp
and manhandle how you want to,
your hands to yourself.
this is too brass,
but do you know strings
you know strings
I love you
I wish I could do something for you.
I wish I could do
something,
anything
that you want me
to do.
I'll be able to say,
“I did this for you.”
and all I want
is for you to say,
Hurting
I want to be able to hug you,
to hold you,
but I am
supposed
to know
that you don't want me, right?
I want you so badly,
but I'm hurting.
you would have known me right.
Married couple's therapy
I attended a class once,
and all I could get out
in class
was my own angst
at never being heard.
couples therapy isn't so different
except that I come off as abusive to say so,
but I don't trust that many people
tell their therapists
the whole truth. so I'd go quietly and offensively
to my partner's therapist.
what if we both wrote down
everything,
everything that we needed to read
from another perspective,
and in fair love to each other we never spoke about it,
just wrote
back and forth.
your secrets are safe from my speech,
except the words
in the same diary
on the nightstand.
Can we talk
I need to tell you something,
(and it's not regretful)
there's something I feel between us
(and your heart doesn't drop)
that isn't letting me be myself
(you don't frown),
(and you're listening,
and you're hopeful)
and I feel your heart speaking,
"don't be scared."
I feel close to you (attachment theory)
There's a little electricity
my calves ache
legs shake
I want blood
from my fingernails
and I'm so nervous
I want to cry
I want to die a little bit.
-NAMI
I'm crazy
you know this
but
I'd ask you one thing
if there's anything
you
need/want
to
say:be cool
to
be cool
together without breathing
together without breathing
tonight
without
breathing.
-I am :6
-Lego
:Building
blocks,
-kittens, and
soapstone
are the
three
most
important :aspects
of a good :environment
:Nine, emotional gangsterism #1
Honk the
horn
for
mommy. wake up the neighbors
mommy honks the horn right
back.
;Eleven
:Alligators
attacks
electricity and alligators
dancing
feet
in
mud.
vernacular and pie-holes.
:Daddy's turn
Gymnastics at 4-7, 9∎ or 5'5∎
home gym–kettle-bells
starting at 9-12, jumping, agility, speed.
ball drills at 7-12.
. . I was the tallest individual
in my middle school until a 6'8
principal transferred in.
- discourage basketball
(I couldn't dunk until I turned twenty-one)
**Tennis
**Skiing
Fire :Arrow
If you're shooting at
the sun
for twenty hours starlight
before the water temple,
daddy's coming to break the game with you.
That's a D1 athlete
I'd rather have a 3.6 with
than a 4.0 with
:attendance
Bitty
BB
I've got a question
without
and
:together
without
care
without
gorging—the lioness
mother's wisdom—
attention to detail,
I am a
I am a taurus—seven stars
Powdered sugar
Fastest
bird
fastest
a whole
box of mini-wheats
on the train tracks.
:pay the piper
900 dollars
on steel.
S -Tier
Sour skittles,
marionberry crisp,
lemon-meringue
key lime
fairy dust,
captain crunch, chips ahoy
elven lembas bread
and strawberry jam
(frozen pls) Lola doesn't like it soft, it gets all over her face
Lola likes animal crossing more than Zelda,
she and daddy
disagree. . . .
-Tee-ball treats
-Seeds–
-ranch, :dill, nacho cheese
major league chew–
grape, -sour :apple, strawberry
hi-chew–50% mango, 33%
strawberry, 27% -kiwi
:Forget forever
Together
without one day
one night tonight.
I don't believe me.
;8 years old
I'm :sure that
Einstein forgot something
in his
:eyebrows
rock lobster tonight
tonight we dine
in hell
I am -ten
Leaving the
bedroom
door
open
isn't
ok
without
magic
fairy
dust
without
what.
52% or controlling interest—3m
:10th grade math—sixth grade vibes
Stanford—Volleyball
MIT
Harvard
Stanford
The :orbital blanching
Two electrons
are in a state
between
life
:Witchy woman
:Cry to me
rather than
imply
what
you
:Bird ;brained activities
-Blowing stuff up
(-Pennsylvania is pretty cool)
night :vision :Batmobile, seats :8
(no cliffs)
Cats
We’re not ;like
:the other, we
-don’t -just
go with the -pack
curiosity
starts at
who you are
My first word
-My
first
word. it was
fire.
there was a hot oven
I mean brunette—
I mean hot—
-Do we have a wildcat
no,
we do not.
drone-free zone.
Monkeys are not allowed
That’s. . .
that’s pretty
much
the
extent of the rulebook
-Dad’s hands
:They’re like his brother’s. -rough. soft.
lots of weight. no :cigarettes (at home)
they haven’t got
love without
hers.
-To your own drum
:If
:you march
to the :beat :of
your
own :drum, you’re probably
a :classical singer.
MAHA
a hat I’d wear.
and I want our holy heifer
to have a couple boyfriends
that get sick every other year
Horsey medicine (therapist)
Maybe twice—
once for therapy,
and once
more to show our wrestlers a thing or two.
24 pull-ups at
265.
:Easter -eggs
Mommy
doesn’t need to give candy money
300 golden dollars/capita/year
no :digging
:necessary. unless it’s January.
also :Jesus can
annoy
zer friends
with a fake 25k follower insta
given with love.
Shark with frickin’ laser beams
When I smell blood—
eating from the top
of a smaller
chain.
fric-
kin’
las-
er
b
e
a
m
s.
-Family :planning
The first one
of y’all that wants to be called
by a different pronoun
gets Eeyore hung from thine
bedroom doorframe. . in your own macramé
DISNEY - TOP SECRET
1. HERCULES
2. MOANA
3. THE LITTLE MERMAID
4. BRAVE
5. JAMES & THE GIANT P.
6. JUNGLE BOOK
7. LILO & STITCH
8. ALADIN
9. LION KING
10. ROBIN HOOD
11. MULAN
12. BEAUTY & THE BEAST
13. RAYA
14.
-No :facetune
If you feel bad
about yourself,
we need to talk
about what we
can do. .
Questions ;unanswered:
-1. why is there a baseball diamond in your backyard?
Monkey bars and guerilla hot lava
If mommy doesn’t mind. . . .
down the halls—kitchen to the bedrooms
unless it’s up the stairs too, then it’s two
at a time or jumping.
tag, no bumper cars.
Your favorite color is :purple
I just :vomited
all I've had today is
:vodka, milk, :hamburger :helper, and :daddy
let me have some :pre-workout
we're all :screwed
ly, mommy. bye-bye
-Kisses on the cheek
-Ew, they’re gross. :kisses are for girls.
not according to daddy. otherwise
:pull-ups are too -then. . or else
Orange lemon head
Type-I sweetness
I know you hate it
I hate you too, now
so don’t ever call me
a meany tengu hi-chew
Kiddo’s kiddos
-Three is -the
magic:
number. . .
Wifey
-Please tell me
that
therapy
is for ;sick children.
My magpie
Waking up
to the sound
of little
birdies
and wondering,
so much wond'ring.
you can hardly ask
them anything,
but when you do,
"what game
do you want
to play?"
"yes," is the final answer.
unless they haven't
had breakfast,
and then it's
always
time to eat
Freyr’s toast.
but if Mommy
wants to make
something better than
Daddy can—
Daddy's hungry too,
but he never eats breakfast
unless Mommy makes him.
Daddy's getting fat.
he can balance
me on one arm.
yesterday I did
a backflip
from his shoulder.
"my little parakeet", Daddy calls me.
I told him I
wanted a parrot
and he said,
"we already have a
few too many bird-brains
in this house."
Daddy said maybe
someday
I'll be something else. "what else?"
daddy says it's
a secret. I want him
to tell me,
but then he'll have to
eat me.
"don't eat me!"
he tries to catch me
running around,
"I would eat you right now. get your bottom
to the weight room,
you're too skinny."
we practice my
handstand on
the barbell
while he
lifts me
until
Mommy
comes in
and takes
us through
her "Serve
Circuit"
while the
marionberry crisp gets ready
in the oven.
daddy called her a bad girl
earlier today.
I'm always a good, good girl.
I cry when he
calls me a bad girl. "Mommy cried
happy tears, sweetheart.
don't worry.
crisp is done!"
we're all cooked from our workout.
"go tell the twins to come down."
I want to
be a mommy.
they spill down the stairs
like squished
tubes of go-gurt.
giant numb-
skulls.
we all eat
marionberry
crisp
and drink
protein
shakes,
and I say
a little
prayer
to myself,
"dear lord, please
give Mommy
more money so can I have a Mercedes-Benz."
Mother shit-goose
I saw a six foot squirrel today
she
was on all fours with hands type of thing
I broke
her finger to tell her
that she’s loved.
Mother’s .357
Pre-school teacher
Russian interpreter
summit director
dance instructor
assistant athletic director
administrative co-coordinator/back-office accountant
Iyengar yoga trainee/front-facing development officer
Chief Transformation and Informations Executive
Burden of faith
I asked
GOD today
the same
thing that
I asked you,
the difference is
that he knows.
I carry the same weight on
my weakened shoulders.
a goose called just now, I wonder if it’s him
his trumpet shook the ground
for three years marching,
marching.
I was a watcher for a
second—I asked him for too much. I asked for
and I saw your name.
I told you today
that I bled myself to write the truth
and wonder
if you’re in love with me.
and if I made you so mad
you’re mad
I’m mad
that I couldn’t
take more
Last year’s edifice
You called me on the telephone. . .
“don’t talk over me!”
you slammed the phone down.
and I stammered
a little bit
and called you back. “I’m sorry, I had to.”
I’m frightened
You didn’t write back
you didn’t even make your website
and if I get what I want
if I make it to you,
do you count on your music?
I have nothing to offer now it seems
so your every word
will be poetry. .
I have nothing left to give today
I’m reading something
five ways down.
I’d like to go drink to deal with the pain I’m in
getting nothing I want from you.
so I can write something trying to be beautiful. . .
(August 2024)
A Soul Mate
I have you placed
in a world in my heart that
does not live in my chest.
you will never know the life well
until,
it is time
to be
together
forever,
and a day,
A little tree
A hummingbird just came
to my little tree
for no reason
I hear her in my ear
where I hear music
and I lay on my bed
listening to
its wings calling you
with a beat faster than I can count
I just walked past my first crush
I’m drinking now, like a bored father.
I fought for her
I won a tournament. . .
I wonder if you care about the story
I want
to care about yours
but I’m only drinking five tonight.
I wonder why you won’t
share any.
well guess what.
mine feel so unimportant
that I can’t even write them
you make them feel so unimportant for not sharing yours.
Angry espousing
I just raged
in the street
(practically), but I might’ve been on the phone
and I could put it on hold, all of it, my whole life, but not a thing’s moving
for me, anyway.
I thought to myself, what can I give you right now, anyway? maybe a back massage. maybe I’d still do everything I said I was going to do, and I’d try to
put a finger in your butt.
would you hate me for it? please do. I’m doing to best I can do without giving
you my
words that would effect you positively
“I love you”—it hurt again yesterday. I must be a pussy, but I love you too.
Candelabra speaking
w. a. n. t. y. o. u. m. o. r. e .
So, telling someone you’re sorry is submissive?
just
just l. o. v. e. m. e.
say you’re sorry more than I do
don’t
don’t
you w. i. s. h.
want to know what
I know
about
doing U.
something
wrong
in hell? &.
how wrong?
not
that U. S.
much wrong,
it’s
the
little
things.
I called you Beauty
I haven’t rested a day since,
I lay in bed, caressing,
dressing
someone
in myself
to meet you. whispering,
and I cried all
night. despise, despite,
I hate that. I hate the word. I don’t cry
Don’t turn your back without saying, “i’m right here.”
There wasn’t ever another way
around the world without your wings by mine
there won’t be another
there was never a bird so free,
and me, i’m less without my birdy’s wings
by mine
I’m less without them,
and in a cloud i can feel you
in front of me,
and i can feel the ocean, and see the sand glistening
and we can loopty
loop, and find a place in a banyan tree
so stay by me, stay by me
Sashay
Are you a cat? I am also a cat.
who thought he took those bunny ears clean off
and ate them up all those
I just wanted to be your
and it was hard to tell
it was hard
for us
and
hard
to tell
that I was
so afraid
you actually
hissed at me once
didn’t you? I dare you to do it again
Monitor lizard (needs warming blanket)
I missed a beat
were you wondering about voodoo
I know that if you play
online poker
for at least
60 hours straight
you can take care of a baby with a bad cough
and maybe win
enough to pay
for diapers.
A cat’s simper
Don’t hate me when I love you
if you needed to ignore everything else
ignore the fall-guy’s wurst-wishes
if you don’t cuddle with me every single day of the week
during the day
at least once a week
then I will be forced to
take a dive,
you know what I’m saying
I haven’t even watched the Sopranos
She knows what I’m saying. I was on mushrooms
the only time I watched The Godfather.
She’ll hurt you.
I met John outside
Bought two cigarettes for $1.51
passed a girl dressed bollywood
a big “S” hung around her neck
just so I’d see you in my mind again
smoking on my yellow American Spirits
and all the things I have to tell you
I drank two tall boys
Two white claw surges, extra discipline
and
three
masala
spicy soy
chicken thighs.
do you want some?
The scale of love
Ten, we would
elope
without our pre-frontal cortexes
9, I am willing to tell you
I would never be same without you
eight,
If I can’t make love to you,
seven,
let’s get a kitten
6, let’s get a kitten
five,
we need my baby
four,
without you
I’m
not
myself
3,
I’m still getting
our kitten.
2,
I’m never
talking
to anyone
but Juniper
ever again.
Questioning me. .
I said no ice-cream in the house. for my sake
I did not say that infants don’t need daily baths
there is heavy whipping cream,
peanut butter
protein
and chocolate chips, raspberries, marionberries etc., ad infinitum
(open to conversation about how to make one of our boys fat for science: bacon)
I couldn’t read
Every letter became a new word
every symbol
in every book of occult came alive
I was able to read 10 or so words per minute
and able to remember nothing.
I sat in Starbucks
Ishtar
and read Hebrew and Greek to English concordances.
The 1560 and 1611 Bibles
were strangely readable. I kept rereading Genesis. “daye and nyght.”
I could still listen.
Write, never tell
I
mean
it so deeply
when
I ask
you
to
write
in
our
diary
about
looking
me dead
in the eye
and saying
the trash is full
and
I forget
to
take it out.
Galloping
My words are more
yours than mine,
they rest upon
my suffering
like boughs
of mistletoe.
are you more yours or mine?
I can gallop
to the steps
of the columns
of fate
of porcelain stone, white
as David,
as Lancelot,
as warriors gallop and try.
Carousels
I trust my
words
like an old seal
as tusks branch
from a mouth
revering itself
and as widows knit
carousels.
Solitude lengthens
Impenetrable
tassels, green
at home
shedding from
a window at dusk, fiery
coercing gazes at light and
tomorrow’s glance tonight
give chance a taste,
coercing
shadowy angels.
taste tomorrow’s
glance. I’m telling,
not asking. never asking,
if you’d want me to be lost
without your. . . no,
without your
fate’s no,
“yes.”
I could cry a little bit this morning
I could cry
because I’m so angry at you
because I’m still angry at you.
and I could cry
when I get excited
to kiss you.
and I could cry
that you wouldn’t.
Magpie
Voice
of
my
birdy,
heart
of
my
house.
Come-sit-stay-pray
A butterfly of laughter
has landed to rest
on your
sweetness,
your wholeness
flowers
with all crimson
and light—glowing,
these purple berries
are the dimples on your fullest
cheeks. your nectar
and our love
is everything,
our love
is everything.
Night light
Your
metal
of
daylight flashes like the firstly stars.
when you
tell
me that you love me. again
your gem
of moon, of night light
falls asleep
in my arms
and she
snores
Anchoring
Wisdom to know our family’s story,
Vision to seek the future before us,
Gall to speak with your heartstrings,
Resolve to continue moving forward,
Resilience to stand tall on your feet.
I walked up to the watchtower
Watchers,
and other beings
squirrels, crows, lead-speeders
there was water all around
and todays. so many todays.
I cried so hard today
wondering if you
would watch
over me.
You believe me
I know
that you believe me
so you took me through it again
the worst bombing in Ukraine so far
you put it to me, and I showed you
as much as I could
what I saw.
The trace of something among cool nights
In the periphery
five-thousand crows
and werewolves
and witches beheld the corner of my eye
I wonder where you are
ten years ago
do you want to be here now
with me?
The fountain
I’m here,
it’s quiet now
like you might never see me again
without you, I’m praying
wondering if anybody hears me
I’m smoking cigarettes today
and I’m sorry,
just feeling
pathetic
isn’t enough
sometimes.
prayers of a kiss.
prayers of hearing, “I love you.”
again and again.
Dreams of kissing you
What if we met across the
street?
can you pretend
you’ve
never seen me
before?
the lights might flicker,
and I’ll put out the last cigarette I’ll ever have.
not too many birds
awake
tonight. I asked them to bring you words
from me. I’m afraid they didn’t make it to you.
but I’m here, I’m with you
and each chirp is a message that I want you to hear,
“I love you,” and the clambering car exhausts
are saying, “I’m sorry”, if I ruined everything
I’d never be the same.
and I’d never see you again.
listen for me.
I get it, darling (bound foot)
I’m sore.
no reason to torture each other. . . .
there is no context so vapid
there is no complex to this derision—
I’m going to start using big
childish
words because you’re not here for me to salivate onto.
I’m angry that I have to try to inherit your emotionality from lyrics
to ask you to—anything. . . . .
before forgone
and instrumental
Waking up
I can’t remember when I woke up—
the day I screamed at the crows
for GOD
I saw your name,
will you tell me you’ve always loved me?
will you lie through your teeth?
I remember the first time in my old grand-cherokee
do you remember when I couldn’t
let you in to my step-father’s house?
you were locked out. I brought a pillow
and blankets, and Starbucks
the very next morning,
and I loved you
and I’ll love you always.
If you’ll tell me
If you’ll tell me once
that you love me
and I never have to
hear it again
never again.
everyday
you have to
remind me
you said it
Waterfalls
Ripples of lace and the little foot stomps
calvary
lances, the crashing
from the center
of your bodice, your hips bent and carrying the waters
come
lapping
to pools
rushes
to the hands
crashing and paddling, pounding the surface
of our palmistry,
reading little touches:
five toes. ten toes. thirty toes. forty toes. seventy toes and magpie’s feet.
Doll-face
Your strings tied to the
Maker’s hands
beautiful doll, one of many
to come
only you,
you,
you
magnificent instrument
of strings
and maleficent artifice,
don it.
let me bring you
to life
I wish I told you how beautiful you are
I was so hurt, so crushed
and your lips I miss you
they hurt so much that’s why I quit telling you
I’m not a poet anymore you’re gorgeous
I don’t think
I have anything
left to write that’s as beautiful as you are
so I stare at your picture
like it’s a
promise
The mermaid
Climb up the waterfalls,
warm and timid,
on my cheeks
swim,
swim timidly in the pools
at the bottom of the
of it all
so you know who I am
and I’ll
know
forever who you are
Tip-toe
Once you tip-toed around
the corner of the ballroom
and I saw you between
the crystal.
we waited
for eternity
together
we waited
for the
sunlight
glinting
betwixt two
flutes,
a tear
on your eye,
a tear of light
that gave two answers.
you’d already know
if you told me, but I haven’t asked
you yet.
Forest fires
Forest fire
smoke
in the air, hold onto me
if you don’t see
that I’ll run into the forest
to find you, to see you again. . .
you’re right here with me
and I love you
through all the flames
and the smolder of ash adjourned.
choke on my hand as it comes for us,
we’re dead to each other
Begging you
I didn’t cry before last year
didn’t cry in Ukraine
didn’t cry when my brother passed away
until Tennessee.
but I cried when I told you
that I saw your name in red ink.
and I cried when I begged you to come upstairs
with me.
I’m thinking about all these
things.
Scars fade tonight
without time for the world
without asking the world
without time and it’s fluorescent light
and lightning bugs
crushed beneath cordovan
and loving you squeezed
underneath
a mountain
of wreckage
of words
I give
to say I hurt
it hurts you
I hurt
but
not
when
I love you.
Brooklyn homeless shelter
Crying
to “Forgot About Dre”
thinking I’ll be
able to
provide for my
family
with
groceries
You don’t love that man
That tortured soul
what is GOD, does he know
he knew
I know he knew a year before the war
that nothing’s real. . . . being brutally raped by soldiers
being
hunted and shot
let alone my pain. what is my pain?
that none of it is more real
than the gravestones
what is real to him?
Portland public housing
Sewer water
comes through the kitchen sink
\ comes up through my nose
don’t come over,
Donna is my grandmother’s name
my grandmother sleeps outside my second story window
she cries in the rain
someone stomped on her leg in the middle of
the night
I dried her blankets yesterday
brought her two white claws and a giant peach
and a shower curtain, screams at night,
have to keep the windows open
dreams
of holding my baby
Little kisses
I want to brush
the nape of your neck
with little kisses
because there aren’t enough
I love you’s
to give
you
all
at once
Do you ever think of me
Do you ever think of me
when you’re petting Zorro?
it’s often understated when
given to the caretaking of a very large human
that he needs pets too.
I love you this morning
and I want you.
I haven’t loved you so little
in months. . .
so little that I feel
like risking it all
to tell you again.
waiting hurts,
I don’t sleep
well anymore. I think about you
day and night. I want to be with you.
Hapless in love
As I try to reignite
this kindling flame / it asks too much of the tongue
do you feel me at all / feel me tonight on your breath
9/26/25
Chrys-an-the-mum
In New Delhi, in Europe,
my father’s backyard,
my generation is sprouting, growing
at misinterpretation
and mistakes to kill
my mistakes were your stakes
in the heirlooms
tomatoes, four or five times
is the baker’s three
The LV
If The Mother believes that I sold it,
I hate both of you witches.
I must have slept-walked it into
a trash can.
I am not kidding.
Innana
It wasn’t in safety /
half of my mind
knew
I could
pull out.
I knew something
that cannot be,
something that cannot die.
My anger is disabling
My disability
is sewer water (coming through)
some good advice is all I needed
to sell my manhood (my gold)
to get my
boots
to break your arm
to get my watch
The eye of a needle
Can a rich man
get to heaven—
may he continually
double down
All’s well that ends well
So we didn’t kiss
for a decade
ten years
10
years.
and I give her a kiss,
bang!
first oral herpes outbreak
and I take pride,
give this to me,
I take pride in dying
with the woman who gives me oral herpes.
(2nd outbreak 10/21/25)
Blackout
Bub
do you .
no.
do
no.
c’mere.
do you wanna
blackout at least
thirty times in
our life.
Money-talks
Close your
ear
to
the
cry
of the poor,
call out
and do
not be answered.
That’s life
Singing
karaoke, “That’s Life”
out of
The Bronx
shelter.
Salutary [5] (the drunk)
Be pouring, pouring
I’m pouring
we’re pouring
I wonder when the rains will come.
Sandstone [4] (the obsessive)
Wear me
wear me out
I’m sweating my edges
away
I’m sanding myself to be
yours.
Lines [3] (the business)
Do you see
these bands
these lines
in the sand
your toes
and a little ring
is it jasper?
it’s twirling
Creation [2] (the mommy)
Was movement first
movement
she moved
as the waters
he moved
on the surface of the waters.
The commodore [1] (the leader)
Loudness,
guns,
and I saw the
color purple.
Night song 10/4/25 (8/13/25)
Your song, “The Day (We Fell in Love)”
is the first sunlight I’ve had in (4) days.
I laid on the bed cradling a bottle of nitrous
and I begged that
She wouldn’t give me a headache, or make me throw up
in the shower.
I begged that I could listen to the damned song
and believe that you love me.
She lets me drink, and I hate it still.
I haven’t had cocaine in two months. I was snorting two grams every month.
why in GOD’s name
would she have me drink.
Teresa’s drinking again today.
I had four days,
four days of making the bed,
of making breakfast,
heading to the gym
praying to meet you.
I couldn’t cry, so I screamed.
I asked her not to speak to me when she’s drinking.
she smiled
like a witchy drunk,
and I can’t remember what she said.
my childhood portrait flew off the wall and shattered.
my child is shattered.
you know how I love you, right?
you know.
She knows.
but She wonders
how I can write beauty
and go to live in public housing.
if you won’t write something lovely to me,
something for hope,
for beauty,
for reason,
for sweetness or for parenthood—
remember the salt, salt of the earth—I’m learning Bukowski for you, again.
Elderberries
I was a honeybee, I think
maybe for a second, at least
and I beheld something
so beautiful.
she was in white, I think
no, she was full of berries—
she was full of light.
she was full of stardust, I wonder.
goddess knows.
Qualifications
1. I have never screamed at a woman
(besides my own mother). Confirmed by FBI. ✓
[the long nine]
- it doesn’t
imply
that
I’m fighting any harder
for you.
a katt’s love
when words
don’t matter,
it’s not the nine-tails
engagement.
I wait along the power line
Fullness of energy and denounced ravaging to quiet itself along power lines. I equestrian, I symposium.
tourniquets
and an end to soliloquy. solidarity. solidity. sequestering notions
of everlasting and a kitten owed in full. forever.
The rear admiral
It’s a lady?
it’s a lady. a lady?
guns screaming beside a golden eagle
and a bald one.
we are
the captains of our own
ships. our own crews of work-yards, work-horses,
ideas.
we do not scream, jump on. jump. jump ship: WHOMEVER. SCREAMS.
to swim
back FIRST.
to FIRST.
a lady FIRST.
? FIRST.
FIRST.
a bald eagle
[rules of enragement]
born of innocence, why? she spells herself out.
himself will still scream second.
NOW. LEAVE.
Your sky
Sky
from
a ship,
autumn leaves burning
christening chimes and buckets.
21st
An hour-forty to sing Sinatra
I’ll stand there holding the mic
like I have
a broken finger and [sic]. . .
look,
in seven years, I want four children under five years old.
I didn’t even want to feel anything. and I don’t, thank god.
I didn’t expect to
feel
this way before I met
you.
Tippling
Two tadpoles tippling
under a toadstool.
eighteen toads were
oh so jealous.
“how’d we get here?”
“asking would only make
us prouder.”
Smile for a dime
My Father used to sell my soul
for a dime,
I’d owe him one
if he caught me
not smiling.
he owes me one.
I told my therapist
I told her
over the phone
before I gave up,
“help me work seventy-four hours per week.”
The rings
There may be
something
more important
than either of us,
than our family,
that I am beholden to.
42nd
I’ve thought about
things for sixteen months. .
I’m pretty sure that if you don’t read THE LIONESS
I’m going to have to refuse to be
with you.
We, the FBI and I, after much deliberation,
have concluded
[and are continually in deliberation]
that we will raise a
President of the United States of America:
1. I asked to marry one (and that’s what you get).
^><^
“I needed you to just know.” - lady
no lady has just known:
a. I need to be snuggled
b. lay me on your lap
c. pet my head
IS THIS UNDERSTOOD?
-
is this cute to you? asian parentage.
A. Needs to be snuggled.
1. lay me on your lap.
2. pet my head.
“Right brained” or “left brained”
Are you right
or left brained?
only the aching. . .
Coherent—cohesive
I’m here for you, I’m there for us
going bonkers by elevens
22,33,45
Did you love to know
Everything! some-
times
10,000
scientific facts
cancel out—
but every other—
but every other google-able answer
is irrelevant.
WOOT
and who?
who
who am I!
THE MAGPIE
MAGIX
There are thirteen
devilish trades
eight
without
triceratops and radishes
six trunks full of fruitcake
and three,
honeybee, honeybee, honeybee ! !
The Mags
Suspicious, very
suspicious.
she
left to Russia
to elope with an oligarch[’s son]
post-war. . . au’voir
[6 weeks later]
. . . Vlad has a friend in NY. ——>
My baby girl
She failed calculus (daddy couldn’t take her tests for her)
but
she found her
coding
himbo
after all. . . daddy’s now wishing he asked for
more
favorable
terms on the loan.
Holy cow
. . .
SIX?
and her husband’s running as a shoe-in. Albany I heard.
this isn’t even fair.
he owns a golf course for God’s sake. her book
royalties. . .
JUST SHUT UP
^**^
The admiration
Psychopaths reproduce themselves
at a high rate.
we will have at least one wrestler and two pitchers.
we need to see what I can do as a wrestler.
also, please place utensils in
its left hand.
Aphorisms:
“Wear it.”
”Make greatness a matter of routine.”
“Don’t blow it.”
Caveats:
My father turned me in to the police for smoking marijuana on the eve of the draft.
I didn’t listen to the overweight Texas Rangers athletic trainer: “You know you don’t need to do everything we write down.” (another injury)
Punishments:
Twenty pull-ups and a kiss on the cheek.
Good-morning workout with DAD.
I’ll pick you up.
Maxims:
FBI OPERATIONS FORMATTING — 1890s-1970s
- Prerequisite factors bolded.
- Actionable and instructional statements underlined.
* Letters indicate importance of factor.
* Numbers indicate order of execution.
Muklanovich-Brill Ivy League MO
- 13-15 years old.
- Wants an athletic scholarship to an Ivy League school.
- Has 4.0, on track to graduate with associate’s degree.
- Needs to win the election. . .
A. Youngest is so jealous, she needs her own buttons.
1. Youngest is first to be picked up from school.
2. Allow at least fifteen minutes to find big Sister. . .
Screen-time
A. The sciences are the most interesting topics in the known universe.
1. Reward enrichment of the mind with snack or dessert trays.
2. Avoid giving treats to losers.
B. There is strict differentiation between enrichment and gaming.
1. [debatable #] number of gaming hours per day until [debatable #] grade summer.
Testosterone, Health, and other P.E.D.’s
There is a critical differentiation made between pure testosterone and other performance enhancing substances which are found in scientific studies and anecdotal experience to not satisfy an intelligent and calculated risk-benefit thought process.
Amateur athletes playing sports such as baseball, being “skill-dominant”, are not as likely to dramatically benefit from testosterone as athletes striving for elite performance in certain other sports. Developmental curves vary from sport to sport and athlete to athlete based on a maximization of athleticism and skill.
A. Elite pitchers tend to maximize performance at around twenty-seven years of age and ideally will pitch into their mid to late thirties.
1. It is unnecessary for high-school age professional baseball prospects to use testosterone.
B.
Teenagers are required to enjoy their lives
Work smart, not hard: I put an incredible amount of effort in that (along with many extraneous factors) was not well-suited. I detonated in my twenties with all of the frustration at my efforts.
A. Peaceful and relaxed household ^><^
1. Consider implementing ideas such as “focus hours”.
2. We will have a basement or Tough-Shed as a music practice room.
The natural limits of health conscious parenthood
Some parents might hold concerns over such asinine things as the appearance of hypertension in their school-aged offspring. I maintain the argument that it is typically the saltiness of the mothers who are not the favorite chefs in their household that presents the greatest risk to any family. There will be K-Pop ramen noodles.
1. Father makes their current favorite color at any moment (this may be via telepathic prompting or direct communique).
The young heart
“I want it today.”
“you’ll have it tomorrow,”
says the old-soul. She knows
what she said. he knows
what he wants.
Miraculously clean house
Background: by nine years old, I was with my father doing my own cleaning. Prior to this, my mother would encourage me to leave messes behind myself by happily cleaning up after me.
We will have five children.
A. We will bear down upon messiness starting at age 5.
B. Punishments for leaving messes will begin around age 6.
1. Take away devices for (x+1) hours.
2. “Go to your room”
3. Cancel future play date.
Brain health and injury
A. Impact sports such as football (aside from the quarterback position) and MMA are likely to have a negative effect on lifetime mental health due to brain injury over time even in the absence of concussions that are medically diagnosable.
1. Quarterbacking requires a heavy set of knowledge and skill at an early age even when compared to baseball.
2. Weekly lessons should be encouraged and sought immediately upon interest.
Churchgoing
Public service is practically requisite for a high-level college resume. We have both been and are continuing to be helped by people who believe that helping people is an important driver of a whole and healthy life. I agree, and would like to foster an attitude in our family that seeks to incorporate public service into our everyday lives.
A. Growing up, I had a very apparent attitude of helpfulness, gratitude and goodwill towards others.
1. Claiming credit for public service is necessary.
The King is the Slave, the Queen is the Slave
I am coming around to the realization that for the first half of the time we will spend raising our children, I will be your slave.
A. I have no experience taking care of babies.
1. I will cook, clean, and do what you say.
B. Babies grow up quickly.
1. They will not be kept as babies.
2. They will quickly become princesses and stud-muffins on their journey to become geniuses.
C. We are a united front.
1. Deferring to me for harsher discipline is acceptable.
2. Maintain any disciplinary action or decision by me.
3. If in question, come to me privately.
Typifying indicators of father-to-daughter patterning
We need a
visual artist:
1. Give suggestion to create charcoal B/W.
2. Do not
tell her
it was Dad .
आपको कुछ जानना ज़रूरी है
मैं आपको एक मैगपाई शर्ट
एक बुल मूस शर्ट,
और एक भैंसा भेजना चाहता था।
लेकिन किसी तरह मेरा अकाउंट
ब्लॉक हो गया,
इसलिए मुझे
चार फ़ोन कॉल करने पड़े
और अनंत काल तक होल्ड
पर इंतज़ार करना पड़ा
यह जानने के लिए कि
हमारे मूस और भैंसे को
क्यों इंतज़ार करना पड़ेगा।
We haven’t lost even
We haven’t lost even the smallest,
tinniest spark
a little torch riding
a little heel poking
up to the mountaintop,
a little torch riding,
a little heel poking,
a little voice shouting
and a blaze.
I wish you knew
I wish you knew
how hard I’d fight
how hard
I fought
and I lost,
I lost by a “thank you,"
or an "I'm sorry,"
because
how
can you appreciate anything
after taking so much
after giving too much.
I wept on the street
after you paid for
my baby,
and I walked
to the art store nearby.
and I couldn’t write.
I still can’t write,
so
I'll try.
I slept in stone for you
For months,
I wrote
to the heavens for reprieve,
and I slept in stone,
on stone,
and without destiny.
a pound of flesh for me:
a fuller moon.
and doe's eyes,
and tall shoots,
I stole a book for you
I stole a book
last Halloween
and I never
was able
to give
it to
you. I hadn’t read it since
the
year
before
we met.
I still have it for you. JF/SM
Wolf
The wolves come out howling
direly, direly,
daringly.
daring sarcophaguses to open teemingly.
there
is only
one straight noose,
our wet knights,
our wary watchers,
our indigo dream at night
and can you howl for me, won’t you howl for me.
and you can scream
for our wet knights,
our wary watchers.
The little hairs on your legs
The little hairs
on your legs
are stalks of wheat
in a place I dreamed about.
your toes
might be
little
roots
to eat.
I look at your trunk,
the first startling
of a great tree,
and I dream
in the leaves
of your eyes,
they’re mirrors
they’re windows
to the naval, tall
grasses of each thought
you might have of me.
and in another world,
I see rainboots,
I see clovers
I see binkies,
I see crying, and trying, but try
to be here with me.
Is it time to take another road
A road on which you might never smile,
I might smile a little,
knowing something of Him and of Her,
but I might never smile.
I might never smile again.
and I might never laugh. might I smile a little,
might I be so caught up in
this wakeful dream that I
forsake it completely. I forgive nothing,
I will never forgive you and gravity.
Made of everything
Beautiful woman,
beatific creature,
you were made of everything–
eagle’s feathers,
filly hooves,
goat’s horns and scales from deep, deep down.
and you were
with me–
two tomatoes at the supermarket, vine-on
one of the halves
of the avocado pit
that I chopped at
too hard when you didn’t text me back,
and I cut my finger clean off.
that’s not what
made me cry. what made me cry
is your eyelashes
in a photo
you sent me
a year ago.
and your crazy hair,
your crazy, crazy hair.
Following a road that leads away from everything
I want to follow a road,
a road
that leads
away
from
everything.
I see a certain color,
a certain color where the caret is supposed to be.
I follow it along the trees,
I follow it along the waters, the leaves flowing, changing, bright.
I know the colors of you
that I’m looking for.
violet,
lavender,
orange,
purple, and gold.
I try to avoid looking for you.
I’m
only looking ahead to the most beautiful
things that I can give to you. the most beautiful things that I have.
Rains that buried the bells
And a wind,
a wind so fought sideways
that SHE screached and screamed, and clawed
and that which washed ashore cast
all nightmares
on our children. I’m sixty and writing from the Bible. I’m sixty-two
and I screamed at GOD, surely and surely.
your hair falls out,
and hotel linens are yellow
and your eyes are yellowing;
my eyes
were bloodshot
from the day SHE was born.
begin resuscitating goodness, I’m thinking---
Cruella and forty-four witnesses
stood
with puppies.
With her eyes wide open through the dew
With her eyes open, she walked upon
all manner of speech,
with bare heels on coals--
red worn through by gravel.
pink wormed in. . .
“I said,” I said, “pink wormed in.”
She didn’t like it before.
but in castrated notion to survive,
she came to realize the trivial nature
of any pursuit,
any pursuit.
she sparsed a fixtured comment at
WHAT I USED TO BE!!!
“you black, castrated witch.”
wear
it, RANGER.
WEAR IT,
DARLING.
Why touch her now, why make her sad
What is sleeping above your soul
will
arise
out of my mouth
to heaven,
reaching for stars and angels
before time and trees and fallen nuts
waiting timelessly backstage
we had
certain
waterfalls
and, and, and. . . timeout.
and,
time OUT!
no sir-ee.
I met a keynote speaker tonight
I met a keynote speaker tonight
He and I were practicing italics
little, tiny letters
and aerospace.
blue kerosene
and shrunk tighty-whities
I asked her,
I asked him, two tons short of a ham-sandwich
will you be around tomorrow night?
his wife replied to you, straight to your eyes.
Is there any tomorrow for the fall leaves
I’m looking outside my window
like a wary old captain,
like a wind-worn
cloth hat, oiled to keep the rain
off of my head.
I don’t belong here at all
without you.
I belong inside your cabin,
my hand on top of yours
on the dinner table,
the presents
I brought
for you
opened
by your dainty
hands. the pads of your fingers look like mine,
but so much smaller.
What’s left when you’re gone
You undermine
tides,
you recede with her,
and you cast your greater array
of stars to
distant minds and faces.
I awaken each morning’ and I wait,
listening, crying out
silent
as the sleeping gulls,
I wonder where we are,
and at life without her,
and at noon I wake in the heat
and the tides let little crabs come out to feast on my wretched
body. take it.
take wonder
and the lights of life
laid out
on every street
at grey a.m.
and black p.m.
I wouldn’t watch Boston win the world series
for the fifth time
in two centuries.
a little later there were two black kittens screeching for
the mother of my children. a little later, she crushed
her kief into
a little brown nugget of failure
to ever make
me love again.
Do you believe me
My words fall like rain
to your cheeks,
and they trickle down
to the rocks
and the nests
and the insufferable
drains,
and I only see that
you hate me
because I hate you, too.
I hate you so much,
I’ve never hated anyone
this much,
and I’ve never hated my self
this much,
and I hate that you’d know it
and not give me roses,
too.
I wept at the gas station
I wept at home plate
I wept on the way
to our first date
if troubles
before us
become so uncouth
ask more from manners
and ask more from truth.
ask of the mooring
that settles our ship,
ask of the sand
to give cracks to our lip.
and ask of the morning,
its hand to bring light,
its colors, sweet nothings,
our needs and our plight.
our cravings and dizziness
its palate and cry,
more magic is coming,
more hand without sleight.
wonder what light,
wonder what moon,
wonder what givings are
coming dim noon.
Our gold love
Oh, our blue love,
out deep ocean set,
our coast, our hearts ‘twain
puzzles the rain;
we poltergeist,
we condense,
we have more
than five
to our sense.
we wind in the eve,
we wave in our hair,
we salt to the aft
of the elder that dares.
in our sweet goings
our chappe does
his dance,
if ghosts are upon us,
let Satan his lance.
let Satan his lance,
and let troubles boil,
and six is our number,
our rabble,
but half of our toil.
Handing staffs to giants
We walk up
steps,
we wade in goosey hollows,
we climb,
and climb,
and lumber. and in our deceit
of having picked
too big of a walking stick,
we might have a favor to give.
up loping mountains
to the gods,
exchanging glances
with the frogs,
arranging chances
in the fogs,
curtailing skinnings,
and soupings,
and aloof curtains,
hand your walking stick
to a giant.
I have gone marking the moons
I have gone marking
the moons
thrice,
and I’ve ridden
Pegasus
through stars to give you a
sacred flower and little cow and
a magic birdie.
what do you make of us?
what will you make,
what will you make,
what will you make for us?
My mouth went across
My mouth went across the thread
of a little spider
trying to hide.
she didn’t find her first desire,
a tasty, morsel
fly. she knows
that what teeth did chatter
was a reasoned vicious verse,
but yet
no fly was caught,
no wings to pluck,
no scrying, flying thing.
I wonder what my spider knew
when winds crossed
her home.
she gloated and threw her
kisses. she broke up all her dishes.
she ran to other missus
and regrets
to have
to, with my great regrets
to have her to hang another noose.
I’m sorry, Mrs. Spider, for all the troubled breath.
but I love you here, my dear, my window
sill friend.
On the shore of the morning
Stories to tell you
on the shore of
the morning.
walking to the sunrise
past the baseball fields, the dog parks,
the endless staircases,
to my home, to where I slept
and drank a man’s blood.
your love
might hold back my tears
on the boardwalk from all those years ago.
your kisses
might ease
this pain, might erase
this regret.
are you ready to feel, to know. . .
I live in the silence
I live in
the silence
from which
I love you.
I wait in
the silence from which I came,
and I drink to keep myself,
I drink deeply from waters once run
in the corridors of your fated delight.
let light fade
and all comings, all goings,
a forever unwanted–learn to want such things,
and a forever needing–learn to need such things,
something
of anguish and oblivion.
the ways threaded nets cannot hold drink,
drink, drink of me and delight.
Something goes dying between us
Something between
the sharp pains
you feel for me,
it drops to the floor from my lips,
you drop to the floor and I catch you.
my toy doll,
only a few
drops remain
trembling.
This string of lives we have
This string of lights
across the street, they’re
no
different,
each bulb is another person growing still
deferent is not the answer
do not pass each whimpering filament
questions
arise
naturally,
questions about where we are with each other.
we’re
the next soul, I think
the next soul–
We fall away
We fall away
from
each
other
in orange,
and red
in white hot
cold
light.
Pillow talk
The words we shared,
soft lightning,
months of sleeplessness
beneath
depression and cowls.
I wish we had more words–
She stirs in you
Starry night,
starry night stirs in you
and a
culling
curling tails
fall from my wrist,
flail from my
hand
and my hands are his.
Stains
Stains and sins,
eyes
something of windows
some
eyes,
a crucifix rests your mind,
wrested
from your hands
be stained from
spiders crawling
–one heel, and one severance.
Place
Place your hands on the table
put
relinquish
our whole self is at risk
I remember the foremost
words you spoke me to me: her first words
she remembers the taste
of the last words she spoke
Drink shy shadows
A sun wants to hide behind
the caste general
the chaste
abduction.
–cast shadows and ties
and a whirl-wind of
moraine. cast green
and a drizzle
Succulence
You are an eagle,
a succubus,
all these demons inside you–bring
me to your caves
and to your chambers
candle-lit with dancing flames on walls of stone
unshaken,
unbroken,
un-sufficed to only become what most is needed,
a monster suffers
in your depths
and crawls on two and eight
feet,
you crawl to it
it suffers no one and
succulence.
Spectacular
Christened with a spatula,
crackling and hints of chiffon
if I could
if I could slurp meringue out of your pussy
if I could
if I could make every yellowed-out day
my enemy
you’re my enemy
if you'd only just scream for me.
Pumpkin seeds
Gross equity
and inviting at four-hundred-and-fifty degrees
I wouldn’t say that,
my dear,
I wouldn’t say that twice.
Cucumber salad
Cold sake,
nigiri, baby.
Forgive what we do wrong
Pray for grace
with little footsteps
Tracing my hand along your walls
Your mortar hunts me down inside,
breaks the
skin along
the ends
of my fingers
autumn leaves disintegrate by the foundations
of your self that
lingers for me
do not leave me for spring, or for summer
such a simple casting
of golden colors,
of burning colors,
of burning ends.
We shouldn’t speak of this magic
We should just
say what they know.
what windows pain our souls
what ecstatic
conditioning
isn’t necessary to be us
Just maybe
Don’t you think
just maybe
there’s more to this than
my appetite for lying.
do you think maybe
there’s more truth
and more dessert coming.
do you think maybe,
just maybe,
you
believe
My Baby
Eternity, nine times
eternity, nine times,
and a madness–await
a madness for me, calling
and a calling
and a winding,
winding
wound
for me.
precious
and ferocity.
you don’t wait as if
you don’t want it–
you need it.
and I’m
listening to you as if,
as if
we
could
somehow stop all of this.
this flame is
undying,
and our name
is a branding on your skin
on your neck
with the heat
of my hand,
with the heat of my kiss.
and I miss you everyday
that your warm red wine
soothes me,
every hour–our decade, our century
in stone and steel
with my seal
hung from your neck
and my hand on your nape,
I ask why quince we go to die
once we know
the face
of our fate.
our demise
isn't final
unless you’ll still cry for me,
up at night,
and grit your teeth
silently,
scryingly,
alignment
and foretelling,
“will you come home?”
won’t you come home with me?
come home, little bird,
little mouth,
quiet chirping,
silent teeth
grinding,
gurgling,
dying,
becoming–
whom is becoming?
our quiet
cries of
destiny,
crescive,
crescive,
and crescive regards
to nothing of clenching jowls
and moons
do not turn us.
of master and
matron,
and an elder tree,
drink of me.
Pumpkins
Darling,
there’s so
little
time,
there’s
so much
space, so
I’m not sure
where to go
without you.
do you remember
when I lost the game,
when I saw your name
in the stars,
in the skin of the stars,
in the cry of galaxies
to the ears of my Birdie.
I’m asking you one last
time, be couth to me tonight.
I’m asking you one last time,
so that you remember
I wore your eyes
and your birth
on my fingers
to my dying
day. my day of dying, I remember.
don’t be too cute to me later, baby.
just tonight.
just one more
starlit night, and
if you know where GOD is,
ask him about what we spoke
before you come back to me.
Then don’t
The next best thing
is that you believe me
when I tell you that
I was hurt so deeply
that I forgot how to call you
beauty.
I forgot how restless love can–
restless love can
sleep.
Mommy
You’re beauty,
matronly,
motherly.
you’re spangled,
masterful,
heavenly.
you’re sweet,
sparkling,
sweltering.
your breasts
are
the silk
spun
by widows
for a
loving man.
I don’t think you’ve seen the smokeshow
I don’t think
you’ve seen
the smokeshow until you have all 6’,
red lips,
hip dips, scarlet cheeks
and a suction cup
to your chest---
a heart monitor as the mother
of your children.
Maggiavellian
She’s studies The Prince,
The 48 Laws of Power,
Tupac Shakur
and the Apocrypha
in her spare time.
She knows how
to reap advantage,
she was born.
She abuses her
powers for the good
of her siblings.
it’s middle sister nature,
a blood princess with a blood price.
You were made from stars
Each scar
on your skin
is a legend,
a part of your map that extends
beyond the sea of tears,
of wasted promises,
broken shards.
I wish you knew
I always wish you’d know
how beautiful
they make you,
and how gorgeous you are.
Did you know: mother goose #1
Did you know
that mother geese
can fly for thousands
of miles after nearly
killing their soulmates
to find a suitable home?
Did you know: mother goose #2
Are you aware
that if you wish
to keep a mother goose,
you must tie her up
near where you sleep
so that you can keep her warm?
Did you know: mother goose #3
If there were only
one mother goose, life
might be sustained on Earth.
but there are nearly 4 million.
if each one of us captured a mother goose,
we stand a chance.
you must turn
your mother
goose to
our side,
or we stand
no chance of
survival.
Did you know: mother goose #4
Did you know
that mother geese
can smell the blood of the innocent
from six miles away?
to capture a mother goose,
you can bait her
with bite-sized children.
Did you know: mother goose #5
Did you know
that monsters are no more dangerous
than mother geese?
if you meet a monster in the wild,
make sure that you alert
your mother goose
and she will protect you.
Did you know: mother goose #6
Your mother goose likes cheeze-whiz?
it’s actually not good for you,
but aside from occasional jerky-sticks,
it’s the only non-organic
food that she will eat.
Did you know: mother goose #7
Mother geese are the greatest poker partners.
they’ll lose their money and your money.
but if your goose has properly
bonded to you as her owner,
she will even unalive
her best goose friend
to get your money back.
Did you know: mother goose #8
You are not allowed to hate a mother goose.
I repeat,
even if she eats your Xbox,
a hated mother goose can
call upon
the most diabolical creatures
known to man with a honk.
Did you know: mother goose #9
Mother geese
are master linguists and wordsmiths,
but they cannot speak.
do not underestimate your mother goose
when it comes to help
with your homework.
Elegance as cat-like features
Your
mouth opens
wide as a cat’s, blood
and pink bubble-gum–I couldn’t say any less
or any more
of the words you speak cleaningly
Sylvester
wouldn’t put up a fight
to me,
and I sure didn’t
put one up to you. . .
Did you know: mother goose #10
Once, I met a mother goose
that shape-shifted into a shish-kabob.
she melted and molted into a young-lady
on the backside of the forest behind our house.
I almost became dinner behind a strange storage container.
do not allow a wild mother-goose to lure you in.
I took a day in bed today
I took
and entire day
and and I laid in bed
dreaming of a world where
you’d want to join me.
different faces appearing
in half-dreams like
vested interests
voices calling
and deriding me
from the ether
for asking you
to do just what
I want you to. without
a sorry.
I took
a day in bed today
and my Russian
streak
that I was so proud of
might now be gone.
the gym is closed.
I was doing all of that
for you.
so don’t use the word
“independence”
in our house.
How quickly
How quickly
I would have said sorry
without an interpreter present,
I would have said sorry
like I meant what I said,
but I didn’t mean to hurt you,
and then in not meaning to hurt you
after so many missed “I’m sorry’s”
that bridge is burned.
I ask that you still find a reason for humility in love
I will.
I’ll say I’m sorry if I leave
the front door open
or the stove on,
or if I forget the dishes in the sink.
and I’m sorry for not saying it
everyday.
I ask that
I ask,
I ask that,
I ask that
somehow,
somehow we never beg for an apology
somehow we never bed for a sorry
Not a day went by
Not a day
went
by and by
Past is past, I suppose
This white page
is so intimidating.
I’d rather be writing
white-on-black, receding hairlines,
redacted feelings.
the only thought that we truly need.
why not be intimate with an accordion
with its continual puncture wound
and a pianist’s callous.
Buddhists, we’re all Buddhists again,
witting around each other,
cannibalizing.
The camera speaks, beauty
I think I’ll set up two of them
if you’ll sign to death with two fingers
and wait
and wait again with our black Christmas
and
and a black horsehead
why so many ands
why not just two cameras
because I had to buy a cross
for us
instead of dinner.
I wept in my mother’s bed
I laid there drinking without dreams
and Mother directed me
to Saks on Fifth Avenue
and I cried
and cried
that I’d
be
able to give
you things that you could
love to wear,
and wear forever.
and I hope
you can love me
for the few
things that I’m able
to give you
for a while.
The little seed
Where has this
little seed been wandering
past broken huts of people blundering,
past little nooks of nuts a-sundering,
in brooks and falls of water wondering
which special plot of hers will
break him wide open.
Given two to follow
I wonder what
kind of father
I’ve been made into
a mixture, I suppose
if a silent man is waiting,
debating the value of his silence.
and the other is only there for his girls.
A wish for standing water
Find a penny
in the cool nixt light,
in the fastened culture
Gregariously fashioned
Await a stained sliding glass
door,
one side with ailments of any kind
being passed from tip-to-tip-toe,
and wish we could progress
to a younger state of things,
with seventy-year-olds
maintaining fashion,
give them to a thrift store
a decade out, babe.
Give light on the town
Give me the light on the town
splendid candor
hopscotch
and frozen air
I won’t say I’m sorry
I will say thank you
and I’ll love you for it,
I’ll love
you
like it’s my dying day.
give like
give love
give like interest is infinite
because it might be,
thirty-nine years from now
hopscotch in the Berlin tower
man-made objects strewn from us
in the underarm
of our country
in the underarm
of my coat
in the backcountry with, “these are our horses?”
because it might be.
The gato’s meow
Remember when
you left your heels
in Honk Kong?
I sure do,
I was so drunk
I had an English accent
to the uber driver,
“those bloody heels.”
Something in the Bible that you need to understand
Something in manhood, if you’d like to
read it
that way.
the basis of my love for our family is my love for you.
if you want me to respect
your heartfelt
engagement
to a lifelong marriage,
you need the will to write as if this is the truth for you as well. 9
My teeth fluorescent
My teeth fluorescent as
a Nazi shower curtain
my nose sharp
as your mother’s razor
red hot stones
agonize my abdomen
blackberries
spit and pass
Over your love the clouds go
A little haughty
until they’re
seeing they’re a little flatter
o my god,
the mirror isn’t looking as good
to the onlooking looker
we’re forty-five
my dear, look up
my darlings, look down
they’ve never seen
a bonfire accidental
and the barn in ashes
eye the cauldron of the afternoon
with French soles and closed air
and a whisper
Brown, black, and yellow
Five bullion hats
'round the campfire
at nine o’clock
after-before the bells
and Dad’s singing
Christmas carols in June.
why? because we all need Jesus
again this year.
If it’s not the bell (it's new knees)
30 mile hike on the weekend,
drunk at school—
sobriety in Mother’s church
with eight-hundred horses,
and crying out loud won’t get us there.
A beauty begone with age
And a rage you have
I say, it’s a rage not like any other.
o bright beast, melts in the window
sordid creature, turpentine and vacancy
and every delight upon us.
baby, know that you did everything
one or all of us would do. and I’m sorry
for once in a lifetime
I’m sorry for once in a glance
I’m sorry for not calling you beautiful
enough of that
I’m sorry for not calling you beautiful
enough of that nonsense
you’re beautiful tonight,
and you’re calling me
and I’m listening to you breathe
The face
The face that lived in this silver
is the face of a dead man
shelter of the begotten love
shivers of unseen ice and breath
ready to become frost
lights burn green and blue
wooded areas turn to playgrounds
for mice and the last little butterflies
the mouse gulps and recovers their small attitude
and the face I see,
with its yellow heart,
and loping calves,
treacherous sinew,
attracting a wolf and all kinds of howling vermin,
asks with his sleep-frost breath,
“won’t you see me, too?”
White and jade
With its white, “what stone is this?”
the first one,
lady, the first stone
with its white calcification
and two birds,
the first two,
“what bird is this?”
the one that counts, lady without the sea
“what gems are those?”
it further depends on the attitude of your arraignment,
and it further depends
on counting, counting on them.
Absence
I resolve
in my sheath of possibilities
I’m seeing three, two more, one more
I’m seeing the gross nightlight of just one more
extra spacing
I’m wanting two of you with me, immediately.
Attendants of Eyelashes, that’s what you’re called. and that’s what you’ll be.
Do not be mean
Do not be
mean,
I am ready
for enormity.
do not be rude to me with
your dangerous claws,
harpy’s
harping
stringing me out
harpsichords are out of the question
but harps, baby
baby’s harps
we’ll have one
A prayer too long ago
I asked for something.
be careful to ask for something
too particular,
but if you
ask King David for anything in particular
in a note written and burned,
ask for a harpist.
If the moon winked
If the moon
winked at me
she might resemble your touchless,
touchless,
bright blue coals,
stockings full of green feathers
and candy balloons
of chocolate rolling around inside
hardened
balls
of cellophane.
to be the whisper upon your ear,
to the cat
alive in her dungeness
dessert
each night
we order
out
of stateliness.
An engine
An engine chuffing me off like a cow,
write of love, o sweet bird of preying,
eyeing love
I write on a mirror with tinsel and boughs
writing on a mirror with erasure of present
writing on a mirror with closed earlobes
writing on a mirror
writing on a mirror
I’m sorry from the first
I was born, begotten by no one
so the first fall came
and the first leaves fell,
and I, being so orange and red,
did not remember to fall so hard,
or so alone–
I did not remember to fall at all.
and the first winter came,
my little heart frozen,
my little leaf frozen,
my little tree
numb to the touch.
and I remembered to ask
my branches,
and her branches,
what is my purpose here?
she told me,
“to be beautiful, to be the last.”
so I asked her branches,
and her branches,
what is my purpose here?
“to be wonder, to be the last.”
so I waited until spring, through
the winter, cold and dark.
I thought the rains would help.
when winter thawed,
I knew a spark, I jumped,
and lept, and fell.
When I dropped to heaven,
I wondered then,
and asked what creatures
scurried,
what is my purpose here?
. . .
What ships have said
What ships have said,
and whispers sailed,
that decks have known
such soles.
we working bunch,
we toil and chail,
we spell and wretch
and guess at death
to wander, what a
march.
such soles
at marching
granding, crutching,
knowing but a wisp.
that we such souls,
we know our keep,
our grandeur but
a jip.
but we such
souls, we know
our march,
we know our take,
we know our
wake, but nothing
in its face.
but we such souls,
we know our lot,
our pardon from a snake.
but we such souls,
we know
our boot,
our pardon,
our take.
Everyday you play
Everyday
you play
with the light in me,
and every day passes
that I am given nothing to burn
at my faithless brazier
I write to you and hear nothing,
faithless and listening to nothing,
faithless doll, do you believe in this
I hear nothing, and I wander
these cold and iceless catacombs
like an adorned visitor
selling what is his
until he wears nothing.
Suddenly the storm howls
Suddenly the storm howls,
the pressure swings open
my window,
and I stare ruthlessly at
shattered glass
where my bright lights, now cold
were giving me echos of light,
of everlasting goodness
to you,
will I see you in this breasted storm,
this torrent of enchanted life,
will you be here in the daytime
when you’re most wanted,
enchantress, most wanted.
The ravens go by, fleeing
We are moored to the sky
become an everlasting lamp,
ever sought,
and give all surreptitious nature to flight.
count on it, my dear,
count on us at seven
at blue, and green, white and black
as this vast enterprise awakens in its eye
and the winds-storm whirls our dark rubble
we are moored to the sky so Eleazar
can take clothes off of the rain.
My nectarine
My happiness bites
the nectarine of your cheeks,
and the grasslands
the tree-scape
my land is so full of your lovely
creatures that She is given to tears.
Impassible
Impassible as the sliding glass door
a dog’s chipped tooth–
barking pheromones and barking squirrels.
I feel your absence in the way the cars lightly
howl on my window. If there were a mountain to climb
within the distance my knees can take me,
directions--how to read up to
the peak of your love.
as squirrels might be found in the park
next to their worst enemies
and as markers abrase sidewalks without leaving their chalk-wanted
flowers and smiling hats on faces.
leave me blank and breathless
that all this hatred
at the absence of your love
is forgiven.
An old man
I might write
like an old
gentleman
trying to write.
I haven’t gotten out of bed
while I try here at my desk.
a kitten meows in the bathroom,
she pissed the bed twice.
I lay her on my chest
to cure my
heart.
Carrying
Carrying me
like a child
nurturing
forgiveness
and nurturing
gratitude
instead of
grinding
away at how little
I want
now that I’ve gotten nothing.
carry me for a while
not your two steps towards me,
my one step back
No sense to make after a long time in a sordid place
I don’t need to make
sense anymore
that’s the wrong-footed tac
except to say
I wish to read your thoughts
at my thoughts
at your thoughts
at my thoughts
for the rest
of my life.
Spilling your guts on the treetops
With Wendy and Pan,
and all those flying creatures
passing up on a great divine marriage
ramshackled to be less than a fox,
and without any fortune telling around the treetops
become more vainglorious
more prideful and eyeing
and that child that
can never die
might fly home.
Their humility
All the heroes know are journeys
like Lazarus’ day forth
and the drizzle on my words,
thirst, thirst
of a red-rosey
succulent
of a green
petaled
window plant
my ear
without tells
and the drip, drips
of every bastard
alive.
Correctness on Fourth St
Did I do it right. . . ?
do you now want
me to tell you
the biggest plum-black
secret?
tip-to-tips between hall-passes
and making out
in the library,
I’ve-never-done-it-before’s
but the babies.
they’re getting speeding tickets
but the babies.
they’re jealous
and I’m jealous,
and I’m in love with you. . .
I have a question for you
I want an answer,
preferably before fear,
and I want an answer now,
but now is only before
you hear the thunder
crack with a
three-year-old daughter
eight feet in the air.
We were never born
We were never born,
I don’t think.
we were never born
to the endless
mirage of angles
and
without emptiness
what
would
we ever be?
If York could see
On an expedition
where all wildness’
looks with
sharpness and acidic fear
in the shadows,
I was there with you, somehow,
a shaman
playing at a wolf-fiend.
it’s not playful
it’s painful,
each step across a knotted log
with lurches and things
in mud-ridden hide shoes.
won’t you play with me
softly? . . . I’m with
you all the
way
My physical therapist's name (I managed to make an appointment two hours ago, 1/28/26)
My physical therapist's name is Genevieve
I sang at the church where I’m waiting in line for
food.
I wear long sleeve shirts
with thumb holes
for the warmth
people old and decrepit–young and poor
I care
and
an old man, "do you see the clock?"
"do you need the time?"
"do you see the clock?”
“. . it’s 5:20”
“do you see the clock?”
he smiled and mumbled. . .
11,12
11:55
and twenty minutes later
it was still
when I left to the
gymnasium.
Concatenation
A nexus of rainbows
as firs sit on hills that divide
the larger moss-pitten streams
larger fangers
at cliffsides with hooves gripping at sample-stone
I am hers,
even in my resolve
I climb sideways
only so far
and she is two spitting images of
the wanted.
But that I love you -- an old man writing a poem
Your Churchill knobs
of old American style
this is before the seventies
and before the mixer-while.
that woman in you
afear’d and lame
I hope,
after a drink,
she has a game–
I’m not a smiling man,
I’m not a man at all
that gives
more than
a glance.
I’m not a laughing man,
I’m not a man at all
that touches
by chance.
I’m in this for the taking
for the staking
for your dripping legs,
for your
wasting heart–
for your aching–
and I’m not a man
at all,
if I call an
accident.
I’m not a man at all.
The magnum
We might lose this war:
“we might as well go there.”
she has a penchant
for pitchers,
like all of my
[ex] girlfriends.
she quit taking grounders
from Daddy,
and now she wants to live
on the east side
at sixteen
to focus on her
studies at
Stuyvesant.
Mother-brain
Mom doesn’t want our Maggie living alone,
good thing Dad’s escape plan
is ready to go
at the market’s behest---
subdivide the lot,
build a couple more homes,
and move to Long Island. . .
where’s next?
E-I-E-I-O
Little did she know,
she’s a farmgirl
who’s lord is
the night.
I like it.
“but she’s so classy.”
that’s
because
her father
is a wizard.
she has a pet owl,
and a monitor lizard,
and her favorite cow.
she keeps her
sister’s
flying squirrel
on her shoulder
while she plays the harpe
daye and nighte.
Reading about masonry
You’ll find the flame
and the fire
and the alchemical elements bound in tribunal
casting,
the godheads, everlasting,
a quiet dragon mouth-breathing at the
birth of it all,
rotund,
but reading about
my classiest daughter,
at a nine and twelve,
I sit at my desk
years before her birth
as a classier man.
“We don’t need”
We don’t need underwear, either
“We don’t need. . . !”
we do not necessarily need lightbulbs
“We do not need–”
we have the room and Daddy said \
“DADDY SAID WHAT .”/
. . . Daddy said that
“TELL DADDY”\\
\ Father told me that cheetahs are very social pack animals.
50-Cent angles
She’s a poker player,
Daddy's teaching
everybody else
to get naked.
she hasn’t touched her harp
since she was nine.
she’s so jealous of her sisters,
all she wants to do
is eat her sister’s cow’s boyfriend
vaporizing weed out of
a hollowed out lightbulb.
the knowledge is based on her
6th grade science project
that Daddy did for her.
a lady after
Daddy’s own heart.
If only weeks, 5 Ever
If only your love
were a week away
I’d know everything I’ve given
back to me.
don’t hang up on me.
I won’t talk over you.
I’ve tried my best to give you
everything
of myself, of what I want in a family.
everything.
and I want you to give back to me
as if I’m special to you too.
it hurts me to not know
from you that you love me.
maybe we’re more for
making it
through.
Hope
I was hoping
that god would be
better than this,
and by
that
I mean
god is myself,
I was hoping that GOD,
we would be better you’re beautiful
at maintaining
respect, you’re ugly
dignity,
mutual affirmation, you’re ugly
kindness and
connection,
and for HIS sake, you’re beautiful
and what else can I ever give you in my entire life?
than how many thousands of verses?
you’re beautiful,
so cry,
but you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful
so cry
and you’re beautiful again.
I walk towards your building
To get to the gym.
I made it in, and I’m too weak
to work out.
I made it a block from the gym,
and I remember seeing
your door-man outside,
telling me that the best I could do
was not well-received.
I made it a block down my street
towards the 24 hour fitness
on fourth street, and I remembered
that despite all of this,
I wasn’t able to deliver
the last bouquet to you.
“I am not suicidal.”
“I am not suicidal.”
is all I could say this morning.
“you need a therapist.”
is all could hear from you.
or you’ll get a restraining order
for all the flowers
I’ve brought to you.
I’m keeping the Russian alive,
I can’t pick up the guitar,
I haven’t touched
the books I wanted to read.
it was all for you,
and for the “I love you.”
and a kiss on the forehead
for every lesson,
and a happy tear
for every song
and a stroke to my ego
for every lift,
so promises
are off
unless
you’d see
this.
The day I’ll die
The day I’ll die
on our table, 50th anniversary
I’ll give up and die
just to say
we’ll make it there
(but just know, I need new
knees at thirty-one).
and know this,
I’ll make an easy trek
in the East
and call it Everest
(for the sake of
the best that
one can do).
Smoomoo
You’re outed.
it’s over for you,
you sweetie, deletey,
extra creepy,
italo-dark-vanilla-spanish-spicy
cocaine-coffee-cake.
what else do I have to say?
oh wait.
loser.
Smooth Creamsicle White Russian
Gummy bears
in grey goose
without ice,
and instant espresso?
I don’t think so.
we’re talking
you’re flavorite two-week old Rolos
in a flask of 51-50.
nah.
how about Viking tears
on the NYC strip with the ball dropping
and a bottle of Mr. Black,
and we’ve got everything we need.
Bird cat and a peanut butter whiskey
A pony
of hooch,
amber ale
(something between
light and dark,
just to be an ass)
Oakshire
if they’ve got it.
Sapporo.
Sapporo.
Sapporo.
it’s Reyka.
bro.
I care, ok?
did you want this crystal head?
what,
Belvedere?
WHAT IS YOUR
FAVORITE VODKA,
IT IS ALSO MY
FAVORITE VODKA,
except smirnoff.
after this bottle,
I would like you to know,
in 2017-2021
I was practicing Witchcraft
and telling people
straight-faced,
“I want an arranged marriage."
I was also Lady Gaga’ing,
“I would like to railroad renewable energy through the United States of America.”
AM NTK #1 Purgatory clothes drying rack
I have a problem with XXL and XXXL. . .
it’s never long enough
after putting it through the dryer.
and I’m not
well I’m obese with a 6 pack
but I’m not fat
I’m kinda fat
but I do not need an XXXXL.
XXLT is the way to be.
anyway what I was
getting at is that
when I wear something
for like two hours I like
to drape it temporarily on a permanent
clothes-drying rack in the
room.
AM NTK #3 If
I’m stressed
or anxious
or depressed or full or hungry or sad or happy
I need cuddles.
AM NTK #2 Very sometimes
Not wanting to hang out with anybody ever
except you.
AM NTK #7 I will sometimes interrupt you
and I’m always sorry
it’s because I’m excited
to
say
something. .
AM NTK #6 Romans 6:16
If there’s ice cream I will eat it
and I will get fat
I’m never joking about getting fat
I will die.
. . . please do not make me eat ice cream
AM NTK #5 Happiness is
There is only one way to be happy sometimes
and sometimes
sometimes
occasionally it is actually $7.99
spent on amazon.
AM NTK #9 Romans 16:16
Do you
want to call me bro, dude, homie, etc.,
when I’m pissing you off?
please do not, dear.
AM NTW #4 Competitively annoying
If I bug you
for one of two reasons
. . bug off
1. I am giving you kisses or wrapping my arms around you
all the time
2. Also I am competitive and I am always and forever seeking healthy competition e.g. book reading, working out, video gaming, etc., ad infinitum
AM NTK #8
Thank you. Thank you for thanking me. Thank everything sometimes even when it's awkward or you’re at odds.
IT
DOES NOT
IMPLY
THAT YOU
WIN IF YOU’RE MAD AT ME
AM NTK #10 You will win with avoidance
You win.
you will always win.
it isn’t a superpower, it’s villainous to me
and I will bite
my nails
until
I bleed
AM NTK #11 As a child
Take
me
as
a
child,
take my
hands and wash them,
pat the blood dry
trim my cuticles
and kiss them.
AM NTK #12 Pegasus
I know I’m
a man,
I know I’m
a man
because
I’d die for you.
is this true?
Genevieve: Woman of the family, second mother
--
I’m trying to think of something more poetic,
more ecstatic
that just a moment
recorded
as if it were meant
for the end
beginning
of an old poem.
I was on the way out of
my apartment building
and it was just an old man,
or just my self,
but it was only
an old man
and a clock.
P.S. I'm stealing the clock
I’m borrowing
I’m
taking time
from
the old farts
poor as I,
poorer than I,
and will HE see,
the one who
stays near
the office wifi
and plays Yahtzee,
yes he will.
but I used to hide my face
too much
doing the world little acts
of service.
I’ll leave a new one later.
My physical therapist's name (I managed to make an appointment two hours ago, 1/28/26)
My physical therapist's name is Genevieve
I sang at the church where I’m waiting in line for
food.
I wear long sleeve shirts
with thumb holes
for the warmth
people old and decrepit–young and poor
I care
and
an old man, "do you see the clock?"
"do you need the time?"
"do you see the clock?”
“. . it’s 5:20.”
“do you see the clock?”
he smiled and mumbled. . .
11,12
11:55
and twenty minutes later
it was still
when I left to the
gymnasium.
I found this jacket at a thrift store a couple weeks ago.
It all happened without even a second look, like it was mundane and not so special. I’ve been up all night mulling things over. I’ve decided to wait for you, Sophia, to help me write something beautiful to dedicate to our Genevieve. I want to make sure you have the obituary of the Genevieve who passed away and what I left there. I love you. https://www.forevermissed.com/gigi-noonan/about
It’s not like I can do it all myself
What am I,
a mother?
what am I
the most beautiful rose
I have ever seen
what am I
the most glorious
red and green sunset
what am I
the sunrise this morning
warmed me
and did not wake me
what am I?
the howls, darling
don’t ask too many strangers
what am I?
the ripped curtains
they’re on the floor
A journey
I cannot walk
a hundred miles
but if you want
to see
something
that maybe,
with a baby
(and after evermore),
we really just couldn’t,
and at a place where
we prefer to lose, not gain
2 stone,
do you want
to find
a place
so far
from
home,
a home
in me and you (before the evening).
aha! I'll walk one-hundred-twenty (have you seen the pharmacies?)
Bliss
Is it comfort
is it patience
is it suffering
concatenation, congruency with the nation of felines
thus is bliss,
do not ask any more.
Jupiter and Saturn
Crawling serpents
of the mind to cast aside,
and little machine elves, hyperspace beings
that climb
through your
honeycomb fortresses. . .
I have heard all of the sort.
and do I believe in aliens?
do you believe in angels?
I have saved
a trip
down
and up and through
to be
with
you.
Heaven
What do you think of
Heaven?
is it
a
place we all go?
I don’t believe so,
yet I don’t claim to know.
I don’t believe that we all survive
as
our selves in the way that we know.
some of us may be put through the wringer
that we rejoin something greater
than ourselves,
that we do not keep
the same
self.
and
there
is
the
wheel, perhaps it’s not so bad here.
Nirvana
If,
if you have the nerve
to assume that being still
with yourself,
intentionally creating good circumstances
for yourself and those around you in your heart
is incorrect,
you may also do so with words.
*[I do accept prayers around Christmas time] sic
*I wrote, “I do accept prayers. . .” and stopped. The fire alarm blared.
† Watch your mouth as well.
Sacro-illiac
Somehow pain
is religious
avoidance of it,
the opposite
What’s there left to say
You’d better tell me
you’d better tell me
no, you’d better tell me
Here lays the end of the road
The only thing
I will challenge
to its face, and beyond
to its core,
is someone who will not look at my old caracal.
Prepare thyself, liberal mother
Crawdad licking,
Bible thumping,
mud-slinging,
grills galore,
800 horses, 6 wheels, 3 daughters and a smokin’ hotwife
at a central Florida mudding festival. are you ready?
(three days, straight to Miami Beach)
https://www.apocalypse6x6.com/hellfire-8 with hellcat.
https://www.soflocustom.com/builder/hellfire/?config=24772
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mei0gFgwzn0
Armored vehicle for our Madam President.
Insane story coming as to how I found it in the first place.
Schadenfreude
Something else
in German:
feelings of
nostalgia
for a time period
during which
you were not alive.
(1890’s, 1950’s)
go.
What are you worth
What are
you worth
to me?
what are
you worth
to us?
is it what
you’re wearing,
angel?
is it what
you carry,
lover?
is it
what
you hold?
is it
what
you want?
Miso
I walked to the grocery store today, all amber footed and without a dinosaur’s sufferance.
I don’t have enough money for a clean mattress,
my $1900 kitten’s pissing on her piss on her piss on her piss-stains.
there was only one thing I needed,
I have chicken, bok choy
mushrooms, and green onions.
The miso was hard to find,
so I asked someone. I had $6.41 on my card
and another dollar-fifty in change.
he pointed me to the stuff I couldn’t
find before, the spicier stuff. it was $7.99
it was a little flatter packaged,
so I pocketed two of them right there in the isle
and I went and picked out some ice cream.
How deep does the water go
How breathless, chilling,
then warming to soul and heart. . .
I have traversed rivers
and swam in their sources.
if in interest
to yourself,
to what you hold
let it go,
let it free
that it drips
from your
calloused
lashes and lashes
and lashes and lashes.
The evening star
So many times
have we seen
the evening
star burn,
kissing our irises,
kissing our wounds, walk the night farther
walk the intimate arrangement
as a homestead, made
and burned
to kill its
infestations
and in the moonlit night
the blue-grey light untunes its magic barriers
to reveal
the mother-of-pearl
the glistening artifact of life
in your roots,
a speckled
tied-in-knots
belying nothing more,
and a gem
to sell
to rebuild once again
that forest dwelling, sparkling creatures
with emerald and moondust
looking at you
looking at me
large as the saucers we find on the ground, charred
and lungfuls of creation
large breaths
and cooked fangs. I’m growing, are you? I’m growing
so old and so left-ways.
I’m afraid you can’t
hear the chip of my
tooth anymore, or the way I muster breath.
you can’t hear
my tongue and lips clack
so ominously, or not at all
on dancers feet
on ballerinas toes
on lips that live as the midnight.
on becoming boats that carry not one but both to sea, to sea again.
I go so far as the think you own the cosmos
Here, on our far fetched plane of existence,
(you would not believe the entertainment)
our far flung dreams and sketched in guidelines,
(we live on our words for goodness’ sake)
swing by another one of her dates, swing by
(she wouldn’t pass this “okay” up)
and he’s wondering if we’ll help
with a family car.
but she lets
you
tempt
him
with a Tesla. who are you?
our rose, our rose
needs no
temptations strung from her like a lure.
she is Daphne!
Your silence is bright as the morning sun
You need no absence,
you are needed, you are needed
wake up
in the morning
and read the papers,
the news,
the twitching cable channels are not of interest
in this otherworldly place
that we are chell
that we are in gratitude
to your hands
and your commanding
silence.
Reaper of the evening song
Shallow dreams
asking but that you’d be mine
cast aside all wonder
and thought
and say
she is not the one,
she is not the one,
none are
but me,
if you
wish.
and I will be without regret.
and I live without regret
more in love
than our ferns and our cilia
what do these
words so mean
are they more important
they are more important than our days.
what do our words so mean?
they are more important than our sleep.
On the soul of the evening
You rise awake
on the soul of the morning
on the drips of the afternoon,
and you lay awake
in the evening
and take no
fangs
with you,
you are not something that crawls,
you are something that catches life,
that lives
in its
own dew drops
and suckles at sweet nectar
robust and congregating
to be seen by the
thing that sees us,
by the beak of breaking
and the scorn of loss.
we will pass this road
together and with valiance.
our hearts press
the stars.
The only thing that flies
Have you ever seen a bird in flight
have you ever seen:bang it was decimated
by thirty five pellets
traveling past the speed of,
“damn you, damn you to hell, damn you.”
should you ever publish
a book of poetry
without me.
Non-visibly smiling through a man
I haven’t forgiven you
for last hunting season
if I could meet him,
that guy, that rich guy
that guy with a job
he had a job
that’s what I remember you saying
about that rich guy
I am forever depressed
and in a whirlpool of tragic emotions.
be wary of knives
and sharp objects
they are a danger
Spicy meat-a-ball
There are noodles
a place, that is,
where noodles rain from heaven
and we all come together
around a big spicy meat-a-ball.
occasionally we
have scallops
while the bigger and bigger spicy meat-a-ball
brings the heavenly noodles. it consumes
and we gather ‘round
it consumes
and we don’t know
what it consumes;
kittens, puppies,
all sorts of rummaging
rascals try to make it past our
back-door defenses
to taste the spicy meat-a-ball,
and so it grows.
You have swans from your ankles to your hips
They criss/cross and dance
they are invincible/collaborative
they invite reverence at their colors
so sparse
and white
and blank/shadow
request the size of the shadow
repertoire and space
reverence, I said
and a sense that
everything comes together at
the graces, their necks
everything comes together at grace.
Little bird and groom
This little bird
dressed as the moon,
this little bird
and groom.
this little bird
has feelings and ferocious
intent
at her course,
and this groom
is dressed as a horse.
Pulling all the heavens over him
There’s never been
such a man
who could fail
pulling all
the heavens over
him with one breath,
one rope,
one laceration to the sky.
I feel your intent,
I feel your intent at the the scene
of two breaths,
three breaths, four,
four breaths, ice, and five.
At a lake of peace
At a lake whose majesty questions the clouds,
and who whimpers at her falling hair, her falling leaves
of the friends who pamper her shores.
stones, square stones, of a heaven built
built stone by stone,
and a boat,
a boat that carried the Moirais
to the other shore
and the deeper heavens
for those whose step
is feather
and gold.
I want to burn it all down
Every step of savagery
every screech heard through walls
even mice quiver
and crickets quiet their chirping
and angels mock us
they mock us gladfully
for we deserve every damned echo
damn us,
damn us, won’t you Raphael,
for ever having lived once.
but to our children,
there is no past.
remember this,
there is no past,
it is their future.
A secondary prayer, secondary to a harpist
I wrote something else
that comes to mind like quicksand–
that I will write a children’s book.
so won't you help me, Sophia?
there is a Pharaoh going to New York City.
The Pharaoh and the Hound
or
The Pharoah and the Hot-Dog
Under the basket-case
First, we will define two nouns
one,
Under. Under is a great big oaf who keeps knocking his head on doorframes.
Dream list
1. Apocalypse 6x6 Hellcat ($250,000)
2. Boat Used 25’+ ($80,000+)
3. Baseball diamond ($60,000+)
4. Tree house ($45,000)
-
5. [sic] ($180,000) *[Celebration of our Family]
6. Watches for Zach ($100,000)
7. Watch for Sophia ($50,000)
8. Freyr statue ($25,000)
*[ 9. Family and friends, 100+ ($40,000)]
Speech
You bet I’ll give
a speech.
be good to me.
Thinking about time and fathers
Thinking about my father
and your father
and your grandfather,
and your sister.
I was cracked like a nut
a very tough nut, I might add
I remember asking
about averages
and psychological
masochism:
“more average submariner or average captain?”
average captain is what I heard.
what I told them, my tears acidic,
is that I believe the west coast
will be threatened within two decades.
10-20, 11-13
10-20, 11-13
10-20, 11-13 . . .
I walk a lonely road as a bear (economical pessimist)
I wander between desk and soliloquy
insofar as matches can start a fire
I march up to your door
and ask if you’d like to move east
“would you come with me,
(I am your savior)
I’d like to save you.”
it’s not a march I’d make twice.
and at my desk
I want to see the fire,
I want to watch it burn
positioning
liquidity
volatility
crash,
burn,
burn,
burn.
Booklist
The Intelligent Investor - 640,000
Eisenhower and the Cold War Economy - 304,000
Butter and Guns - 342,000
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
etc.
Aloof and cat-like behavior, symptoms of ASFPD
I have never
called a girlfriend
“babe,”
or any pet name you can think of.
I am a strange cat, darling.
it’s a strange world.
You better gush
Gush words
like a fountain
a fountain pen climbed up
Mt. Everest and died there,
alive in its trail forever.
it is meaningless, dear, until you recognize
beauty in someone's meaninglessness.
so you have
300
seconds
200
words
go.
and
every
time
we cannot
think
of
the right words
“go.”
Acrylics killed Phil
I’d like to rhyme like a 30’s rapstar
in case my
mother
decides
to get into the copcar with me.
I remember two dogs on the street,
my backpack
and two legs
and a smashed brick mailbox for the papers
because my mother wouldn't give me the wheel
hammered drunk.
was I running
I ran around town twice
never once with my underwear on
The last time I wore underwear
The last time I wore underwear
was 38 miles out of
out of
out of town.
am I going to hit this marker at $16,000 feet or die first.
“cry a little bit, it helps.”
you’d have to go diving in my oxygen tank
to feel any colder, sweatier, or dehydrated solemnly.
If Ricky Henderson were a chess player
I don’t even know his name
that’s what I like to say
when I don’t
know
who someone is.
lol, twice
did he play basketball?
I don’t even know who the best pitcher in the MLB is.
I qualify as a GAMER,
I just want to beat you. Give me the object.
We have decades ahead of us
Slices of bread
and butter
for the hunger
of memory.
raspberry jelly,
little kisses to help
You told me once, twice, forever
You told me
that you
you said,
you said. . . “I love you.”
and it crushed me
it was a pound of metal for every kiss we never shared
a pound of sand for every man I’ve heard about
a rock
for every
one I’ve kicked
I start to analyze
each text
like a fingerprint
each week
like God’s palm
olive and steel
creation
deletion
tiresome trick you have at un-
command.
we spoke
we spoke–we spoke–we spoke. . .
Going the whole way
We go like figs, they’re fruit,
they’re one of God’s creations
but there’s no where
not one place
not one alleyway
but that I am with you
for you
with you
to tell the truth, I’m without a cause as well
like giant icicles
pests
to the pessimist
but
I
am
with
you and I ask one directional thought
to the other
collapse with me
If you said it
If. . .
you wrote
your last
a word with me
have words with me
a word
to me would mean
“goodbye.”
and I’m afraid
to see a letter
a single letter
of the word
what would it mean?
what could it mean?
I’m afraid to see
the single eyelash
on a mountain
in a snowfield
a single eyelash
Mommy (#3)
"Get out!"
"no, sweetheart."
"JUST GET OUT!"
this is ours,
and we
will
exist
separately.
“I’m done talking to you about this.”
“I need some time to think about this.”
“Give me some space to think about this.”
“Can we talk about this later.”
Mommy (#4)
We get up in the morning,
you don’t have to
we get up in the morning
you have to
we get in
the
car
and drive the kids to school
and make breakfast
and I’ll have morning workouts for us
Mommy can kick my ass to do so.
Mommy (#5)
We don’t get in trouble, dear.
IT’S CERTAINLY NOT,
“Well, that’s your father.”
however
if you get caught with anything,
it was not yours
you throw it on the roof,
you ask for our attorney
how do we teach this
. . . it is your job.
Mommy (#6)
We don’t get in “talks,”
that last
for days
or weeks.
there’s no reason
that Daddy and Mommy
are not acting normal
that becomes
normal.
Mommy (#7)
The Queen takes her seat
it means
we have help
and a throne
so use it wisely
Mommy (#8)
When I’m 65
I want to brag
about never
having called you
a [sic]. ^><^
. . .
[do you want to know a thing?
it’s official record to the [sic]
that I have never called a woman
a bitch
except
you.] sic
[you’re never going to see the deleted texts.] sic
Mommy (#9)
Are we friends?
yes,
what are friends?
they are demons
who hold
to their words more
easily
because they are
relatively
dispassionate.
Mommy (#10)
Are we lovers?
by something
beyond ourselves.
are we fated?
by some-
thing
within ourselves.
Mommy (#11)
Are we bound?
we are bound by miracles.
are we broken?
we have both been broken.
Mommy (#12)
Are we whole?
we are without beginning.
are we dead?
without ending
we are cleansed
by our
complete indifference.
at best we are
made by magic–with magic
for magic
and
I could stop time
to walk
in front
of a bullet.
Can I dream of a different place with you
France,
what about France,
uhm
I’ve heard Paris sucks
it might have been cool
like when
before Ferris wheels could be built
wth is the Eiffel tower .
make a metaphor
he says
sure
I’ll sell the damned thing twice
I yelled back when I heard thunder
Screamed
roared at the last breath of a dying
cattle
prod
a branding
some kind of scorched earth
tragedy
some kind of
Peruvian magic, without it
without
anything
I’d have been fine
but to expect
that
maybe
you
Give me two last breaths
Don’t go
into the night
into the impossible
for me,
anyway,
impossible
I’d only ask
for the blues
What’s real is more important than magic
And magic
is more important
at a scale
that might command tides
morale
and con-cat-e-nation, concatenation
nine times
concatenations
to you.
but what you feel
ought to be
commanded,
not outright,
but commanded
by what is real.
What is a magician
Without an army
without his children
but do children hold weapons
of the mind
not directionless compasses
mean
median
command
but the mode is what we look to for magic, at small instances
command:real
value:scrying
dont think
that I don’t know
but know
that I didn’t look at my caracular. . hehe ^><^
my “caracular” pictures
for years.
Concatenations (#1)
Sexual intimacy
when
13? absolutely unobtrusively going to shame them
14? I’m a nervous but not sad
15? hopefully with a best friend
19? I’m proud
22? I'm still hopeful
what’s a tough conversation for 20
years
I believe feminism is for the boys.
on a real note, I love you for your strength
and your kindness,
and your
fortitude,
and your greatness
I’d say that to any daughter
but if my daughter wants to be a boy )I expect her to)
:but
in my personal experience (2010’s PSU)
feminism in younger women who are unapologetically uninterested in its study or taking what is traditionally a man’s role in business (women represent just over 10% of CEO's in
the US), etc., is
grounded in hatred of men
“I didn’t feel like I could (or was encouraged to) take a man’s role and when I realized this I was resentful at it.”
I don’t disagree at all
if my daughter is a 4.0 at Stuyvesant wanting to get a Harvard MBA
all of a sudden
I’m a feminist to the bone.
and I see wealth as a barrier to a traditionally woman’s role today
meaning to be the primary and full-time
caretaker of a family
we need a harmonizing
approach. I want to hear your thoughts
as they fly out of you.
I think that's what happens.
Concatenations (#2)
Where would we be without
the promise
the revelation
the incarceration
or debilitating effects on drive
wrong or right
that a windfall
can bring.
I have felt like a tormented genie in a bottle
like a melanistic fox
half-bitten by a viper
its leg falling off
but not so much dying, unfortunately
I am ready to take over the–nowadays my brain
is not so uppity–under 120 IQ universe
but
what of our children?
I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know what narcissism is
I don’t know
if I wanted to be rich
because
I couldn’t afford what I needed
so this drive has
depths
but it doesn’t take as much to be happy
in fact, I believe sometimes less.
so what do we preach?
enlightenment? perhaps we will have philosophers
and philanthropists
fulfillment? perhaps a smile from a few or a million
or harnessing the wind
maximization? I WAS MADE TO THROW SHIT REALLY HARD FROM MOUNTAINTOPS
I personally like this approach for athletes from wealthy parentage.
but seriously, I need your thoughts
on what
can make
the snottiest brats
smile for a lifetime
Concatenations (#3)
Frugality and conning oneself
I have a Mitas-touch
curse
just
a
touch
overconfidence and
promises
and trust me
it’s more like
it’s more like
I’d cry to you
to tell you
if I thought
that you’d be happier:maybe you wouldn’t drink
that you’d be sweeter(maybe you’d want to be with me)
with a big grey box in Malibu
if
GOD
if, GOD DAMNIT
if we aren’t doing well someday,
if we’re on the rocks
if a tennis bracelet doesn’t solve the problem
you’ll sell it anyway
so take
my promises
with a touch of --"I’m an accountant too"--
grace.
if I can’t afford a tennis bracelet (it’ll just be more expensive than the ring, baby)
(I’ll remember my mother until the day I die)
I might feel too pathetic
to feel worthy
to feel capable
to feel even like an adult
to solve a problem graciously.
Concatenations (#4)
GOD is real,
realer
than
words,
therefore realer than the Bible (John 1:1)
what is realer than GOD
you
my children
and what do we do
what do I do
what can IT do
if I don’t have you
this is fervent reference
is somewhat metaphysically
incorrect:what we think we may:speak we may:see
in my experience
what
am I trying to tell you?
She
is
real
as well, but
in team-
mate
ship
WHAT IS IT THAT i WILL HEAR
80 miles into the woooods
from you, little mouse,
litttle bird,
quiet blouse
I wonder
if
we
can count
on the-ra-py
I think its
best
we
write under the covers with paper and pen to each other.
if, if nothing
you are less important She is
if you are not
writing
to
me
in
paper
and pen under
the covers.
Concatenations (#5)
You cannot kill a god
there may be things
written
that
can
never
be
out ran
out gunned (except by the principal)
out lived
etc, ad expulsion and homeschooling and
exceedingly angry (no more or less than I) children.
I was:
- homeless
- a fentanyl addict
-
I am not joking however, I do not mind the idea of homeschooling.
I would cover maths and sciences,
and kicking ass in sports.
and to graces
we might
find
in Her.
Concatenations (#6)
Have you ever wanted something
somehow
wanted it
and it was
worth more
than
your life?
it was for you,
but you could
die
and
still
get it,
or it was greater
because
you
died
for it.
it is
greater
still to live.
but ask yourself
the question,
and what
you’d
be
would
you go
through
hell to be it?
would you
see us
through?
it’s up
to you.
Concatenations #7
What is:
a relationship?
is it something sacred
is it something flippant
see two sides of a coin
it is easy
to do
as
the
Romans.
what we speak
has only as much impact
as what we believe
and it is
tough to believe
that any woman should die
that any man should die
to be in
love,
to stay with
someone
forever.
and yes,
just like dying
and being
born again,
it is metaphysical,
psychologically
powerful
speak.
it is important
to protect innocence
with fairy tales,
with an ethereal father and mother
that watch
your every
Blink.
save yourself.
Daddy and Mommy
saved themselves
for each other
for over a year.
sanctify yourself.
it might be energies,
baggage,
purity.
I prefer purity.
I am proud of us.
I will express pride in my children
with sometimes a poetic, Biblical tone
not to be undermined,
but given judiciality
to respect a teenager's
experience in the 21st century.
Concatenations #8
Do I believe
in the Father?
Do I believe
in the Mother?
I believe that
the simplest
and most objectively relevant
delineation
is to point
to or from
words.
what is Witchcraft
it is power given
to objects and rituals
animals, interpretations,
and magix that cannot
be best given to words.
what is GOD
to John? John 1:1
and all else
is false
idolatry.
but can you tell me
what Freyr’s eyes
were saying?
you might
only
write it so poetically, and what is
left
but
some
carcass
of the meaning
that must be beheld?
ineffable
unshakable
breathable
and to break the ground
at a temple
or a church
isn’t
ever
our
place.
negative statements,
as in popular Buddhist
theology, can ring a bell.
1. We reject the Rule of the Mean.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
and thus
rings ineffability.
Concatenations #33
We DO
speak about our magical thinking–
in case you wanted to know,
my brand-new Xbox ghosted me today at 3hrs 33min of playtime.
I thought it might be broken.
I’d like to know these things,
but I’d also like to heavily encourage my children to seek an understanding
of empiricism and scientifically explained phenomena.
I think Sophia's grandmother, Larissa, has our number.
. . .
anyway the screen did a strange horizontal-lined pixelated thing and the Xbox crashed.
* reference: sneaky-link, "so many threes in my pocket."
Concatenations #33333333
A verse to the conventicle:
Isaiah 34:16
I told a dozen or so friends around 2017-2018, “I want an arranged marriage.”
I had two magpies tattooed on myself in Nashville (2022) to signify a pledge to find my soulmate.
I saw Sophia’s name as a tattoo in red ink riding the bus past her bus stop minutes after screaming “GOD” to a murder of crows. (2024)
[sic]
. . .
Down to 21/278 entrants in the 33 dollar, 7,500 guarantee tournament dedicated to Larisa.
I wrote this just seconds ago and this is the very next hand:
>: - ( AJo v A9o, lost with 70% equity.
I had to put it in, was way behind and won!
C-bet flop, villain jammed, I hero called ftw
5th place for $549.04. The odds of the being dealt 33 as I dedicated this tournament to your grandmother Larisa is 6/1326 or 1/169, a fraction of a percent chance. I believe that she is with us. I hope you feel her presence, too. Thank you, Larisa.
I don't win very often, yet. I think I know what your Grandmother has in mind to do with the money. . .
Take her by the horns
The cowboy, the heifer, the wine
take her by the horns
she who carries
the world
“she doesn’t eat,
she doesn’t eat
without me.”
says the cowboy to the wine
he drinks and drinks
until he needs
her steadiness
“so grab
her by
the horns.”
says the wine to the cowboy
it waits and waits
until it bubbles
up and bursts
“so
drink
a
little
faster.”
says the heifer to the cowboy
she moo’s and moo’s,
she who carries the
world.
“let’s hurry to the waters
and the grasses.”
says the cowboy to the heifer
he walks on a stiff
wooden leg,
his revolver
fires a little
heavier.
“let lay and
him down die.”
says the heifer to the wine.
she nestles
beside
his heaving.
“I’ll look the other way.”
says the wine to the heifer.
Daddy number two
Father beats Daddy
unless you’re in Daddy’s good graces
and Mother beats Mommy
unless you’re in Mommy’s good graces
Father beats Mommy
and Mother can beat Daddy
the game is won with
2 video game consoles
2 pairs of summer shoes
2 new jeans
but it is not always both or sadness
Daddy number one
If something’s gotta go, something’s gotta go
and something will change.
Daddy is never too mean,
but he can
change his mind.
I’m always the worst cop, and that’s part of the job.
Mommy doesn’t
give ice cream or bandages to wounded egos,
but Mother can
help heal wounded hearts.
Don’t worry about the bear
A math prodigy who hates school,
takes his 3.3 to Vegas at seventeen with a fake ID
he’s kicked Dad’s ass for 6 years in poker already, can Dad be that mad?
wins the tournament for $65,000 (it was $215,000 to beat Dad)
and I have to Venmo him bus money or pick him up
penniless (from jail? I do not know).
I’m most disappointed that he got banned from the casino.
(“go to school in NJ and get a C average in business and I will bankroll you.”)
Daddy number three
Fresh to death starts with staying alive financially
foundations of fresh-to-death'ness
I’m thinking of fun ways to
encourage thriftiness
even to own a $700 t-shirt.
half-birthdays
half-Christmas
$500 Poshmark bonus ??
Our rose
Gigi came to life
at fifteen–smoked enough
marijuana to look 21.
she learned the bass,
enough like
the harp, we guess.
and she’s out in an uber (mom, you’ve got it)
to play at house shows.
what do we do?
I’d encourage her to commit
social suicide
with a massive fake IG account.
hbu?
Daddy number four
We are witnesses of our generation
if the president mimed it, I will say it in the home
I will also
abide by
the knowledge
that youth is in the mind.
I will slay them with ground-floor pop culture
slay with my drip
I am the GOAT
I may also be the billy-goat
give me a dirty look or something
I am sometimes called, “really sus,”
I reckon it’s something like, “super gay,”
so we need to translate.
Daddy number five
Without the Beatles
without Bob Dylan
seriously
we don’t need to pretend to love 80’s Euro-trash
lol i’m joking it’s fine babe
im totally joking
look, I am simply
unable to think
of a simple solution except to be anal about sharing
So on rainy days there’s classical in the morning.
and any number of disgusting 2000’s Hip-Hop artists
and dirty Trap cat DJ's in the weight room.
ok? capiche? I love you.
Sun and the moon kissed
Where were you
the darkest day
when sun and moon kissed
touched lips
only pinholes
at life and its darkest day
we’re two
for a love, two for a joy
to make
our incredible
unlived
journey
This particular page has crashed in the editor. Thank you for reading this far.
Only the stars and the moon
Only
the stars
and the moon
shed their light
on how
beautiful
we could be
only the trickle of sunlight
to the dying man
to the dying lady
can be so shy,
can be so
timid.
They say the truth hurts
So I lied to you
can you count
how many
words?
can
you
count
the days and nights
I spent
to lie to you?
If I could tell you that I love you
If I ask,
“have we made
it this far, have we
made it as
far as the knives
we’ve buried?
have we held on
as the tone
of the snare,
and our hearts?
can we wish
another glance
at each other,
untraced
by the wants
of murder
and regret?
or life, what
about life
and forgiveness,
if not forgetfulness,
if not our hearts’
challenge to worry, to
be healed and
cured, if not carried
to each other. carry
us, won’t you? carry us.
won’t you?
won’t you?”
Blessings for a wish, prayer
I think listening to GOD is the best we can do.
but hearing ourselves speak,
sometimes we can be spoken through.
and I wonder about a little ritual:
counting blessings and making a wish
around the dinner table.
Gregorian chant
If, but, when and where
does our goddess go
and when does she
her eyes the doe
and when does she
(a bet I’ve made)
I wonder at those big blue globes
(I wonder at my net sentiment)
won’t you tell me no?
won’t you tell me no
after an sixteen hour labor, no, no.
tell me no
and I secede my throne.
(if in interest at my note,
your mother might hold my jacket).
I want you to know, Mother
A prayer,
a prayer I want read and listened to.
does she
carry two,
does she carry one
at most,
please know
it’s not impossible–
regardless of anything
that we will have
all of them.
and willing, if willing,
maybe
and again maybe,
your father might
help
if he hears
our story truly.
If it behooves you
To make a best friend,
someone to dote on
and to help our love grow
inside,
I am inside out
in love with you
to the end.
dinners,
and nails,
flowers for both
(though yours are greater in number and color and size and fixture)
so I’m asking
you once now
that it’s on my mind,
not to cry for yourself
or for possibilities lost
or for our world shattered,
(though worlds can shatter)
(and whole selves are lost)
but keep her,
keep her alive in your
heart,
keep her for us,
that she should not
be lost.
Husefate
Let me be whimsical
like a whining brat,
like a charcoaled chortling fool of a tundrum.
(I’m 284 pounds now get lost)
and a little cheesecake would be fine
(is this how it’s going to be)
I need to get
onto my bicycle
and throw up.
(now look here, snorting)
and there’s a bear-child, salmon berries delight
salmon up-creek, I wonder
(so if anybody’s going to be fat)
so anybody’s fat now, huh!
(yes, anybody’s fat)
SO MOM! can we get ice cream?
“no, you’re [a fatty]”
agreed?
Concatenations (#7)
Do you understand
that I understand
sensitivity?
I also
have
read
a fair share of psych articles
and a book of dreams and impregnation of the zeitgeist imo
what I will not have
are fat children
as I am.
they will be unhappy as I am.
so, maintaining structured diet foremost
however
will they get their own candy every day
yes.
and then we call them chubby sometimes [question mark]
I won’t piss you off (but right now)
what is mild anorexia for top 2% income?
I’m sorry.
but, what I don’t know is how I will tolerate an obese 6th grader
I’m sorry
that doesn’t play football
I’m sorry
Concatenations (#9)
Concatenations to you if such is true: your car brand is chosen
for you.
Mercedes-Benz
What is a truck
(a truck to haul very nice pre-owned furniture or IKEA)
is it
A. $120,000
B. $35,000
does God Love Sophia?
yes, god loves all his creatures.
however, a model Y
and a GLB
both
fit
7
and
can and should be
(in case of not being able to afford a nice pre-owned boat otherwise)
employed as family vehicles.
I also really want a GLam Sophia but
it starts at cars.
20k-40k miles if there’s a 30 year worry.
most people don’t even really have to reason 30+ years
if they’re using tax deductible accounts and/or pensions
but we do
so if there’s not
A US-SOIL-THREATENING WAR BUFFER/PLAN
we’ll buy used vehicles.
hi my name is Dad and
I have predicted a war:
https://www.mbusa.com/en/share/build/A4PE4Z
Concatenations (#8)
Break the game, you may
You know that special forces guy that
ran his first ultra-marathon,
fracturing his foot
and damaging
his kidneys
while at it?
13,000 pullups or poems
I do not see why not
what is volume and steel
music to my ears
this is the will
that may be passed
to our children
just to do something–
it might
be
bouncing a golf ball on their elbow 34,000 times in a row
maybe they’ll walk an ultramarathon in shell cordovan boots
to converse with the pigeons about how to found the next WeWork✓
Lord knows, Lord cares
the point is that
being absolutely bananas is to be encouraged by a courageous mother–
being prepared to medicate–
and being written about in the papers
is not always a bad thing.
Mom’s ready?
Dad’s back hair
It seems like
everyday now
another shoot
grows out of my back
with the will
to sire offspring.
now, I may be your animal of a man,
but I am getting both
my whole back lasered (shit)
or do not lie to me. . .
An Endless Walk (2022)
On an endless walk
From where I sleep
To where I dream,
The trees wave to me
I walk ever more slowly
To feel each pebble
Underneath my sole
Hogs get slaughtered
If we’re not grateful,
pigshit
if we’re not happy,
pigshit in a pigstie
if we’re not looking forward to the future,
pigshit in a pigstie with pigs rolling around
why don’t we join them?
Sweetheart, I’m sorry
I cried too hard,
I cried to hard bringing you flowers.
I cried too hard,
I cried to hard writing you poems.
I cried to hard,
I cried to hard making you playlists.
I still cry
for 5ever, my love.
I don’t even want
my kitten back from my mother
because
I’ve cried too hard.
good experiences
bring goodly measures.
I’m not trying to hurt you,
but I need a smile, too.
I need to smile.
I bite my nails when I’m in love with you
I bite my nails
because I’m afraid
that you haven’t come clean,
that you haven’t been willing to break cleanly
and show me that I deserve as much, too. break cleanly
and walk down
come down
and offer me forever
wake up and make the bed
cookies, but not too often
make me buy sushi with your card
it’ll make me cough. . . but I’ll love you for it
maybe you’re used to that, too.
maybe you’re used to everything
but I’m not, anymore.
Horses hooves
Horses hooves and crumpets and
battle stories
with sticks
and brick and mortar dining?
who’d want to leave this kitchen
I swear the kitchen’s going to be so nice
if you want a walk in wine cellar
I want to make a second basement.
and if you find any abhorrent memorabilia
just know that I put your name right there
next to mine.
The widows account
The widows
account for nothing.
they account
for everything.
they account
for nothing.
oh no, they
account
for every
single
thing.
and they know nothing.
they know everything.
they know nothing.
they know
everything.
they wonder
at nothing.
Have I told you lately that I love you
It matters, doesn’t it?
I’ll only say
it again if you promise
twice a day
for the rest of your life.
if you promise
that the first time you
don’t even mean it,
and the second time
you always do.
Find a reason
Can you find a reason
to tell me, “I’m sorry.”?
I can find a reason
to say it to you.
Still
Would you still
love me
if I called you
beauty?
it was your
name
just yesterday,
but you
ran away,
you left,
and I’ll
never
say it
again.
I lay awake in bed for days
I lay awake for days,
I don’t know when
I sleep, I don’t know
when I wake up.
I’m not him,
I’m not the one
that you wanted,
somehow I know,
I feel it deep,
deep in my bones.
I cried my pride away
I slept it off until I wondered
why I was ever alive at all.
I have something for you,
it got here in time.
if its not too little,
if you’d still take
the little I have,
is it too late?
I’m waiting
for a word
from you,
wond’ring
when it
will come.
What I wish I could have known -- for Larisa Muklanovich
I wish
I could have known
your grandmother’s eyes,
the ones she kept
for him.
I wish
I could know
yours,
softer than
they could possibly
be, softer than
the watered ground.
the watered earth
speaks volumes.
and your little face,
those little smiles,
the helpless smiles
are your eyes.
that tooth I love,
I know that tooth,
that tooth
I love.
give me
something
of regret, a least.
give me something
that time will not heal for you.
I have its vase,
there’s nothing in it,
there’s nothing there.
I have its shape in my mind’s eye,
chaste and so open,
terpene petals,
little marbles,
eyes of shards of–
of myth and wonder,
fortitude and forgiveness
and creation.
for missing something,
strike me,
whip me a thousand times
for missing the light
of her eyes.
It’s IKEA or permanent fixtures
Think woods.
I need to know your favorite woods.
it’s not something
we get to change every few years,
or that we have a different one for each season.
one chance to make our perfect home,
to get everything you ever wanted
in one moment.
for the basement: https://newyork.craigslist.org/brk/fuo/d/brooklyn-fulham-leather-sofa-with/7896884893.html
I'd oil the whole thing a few shades darker.
Is there anything you like to “collect”
I need to vet you for value
I like shell cordovan boots (depreciating)
I like Swiss watches under $50k (appreciating)
my collection might appreciate as a whole.
there is researchable evidence to suggest so.
are you listening to me?
options include:
- classic cars + fine china
- pennies + heels
- gold bullions + precious stones (minus sapphires)
- rare books + workout equipment
honorable mentions for terrible investments: musical instruments, antique jewelry, alcohols and cigars
P.S. PENNIES ARE GOING OUT OF CIRCULATION. . .
https://tinyurl.com/itiwbagtftcthptlaasfvlysm
(These are upcoming "centennial" pennies. each one is approximately a seventy cents. I'm thinking a 50 pound bag of newer pennies for a classroom project/donation. Check out ebay).
This would be a really cool thing for the children to be able to have fun with sorting for value in a decade. It would be a super fun teaching tool for investing.
Another idea is that the class can sort maybe a fraction of them for value and we can donate the proceeds to the classroom or school. Each student could keep a lucky penny or sell them back to me. I imagine the pennies turning 100 might sell well. . .
You could make the bulk of them a donation to our Genevieve's 1st grade math class. Many of the children probably won't have ever seen a penny.
I'm thinking about lifestyle and all of the factors that go into sustaining it over a period of decades. My dream is to have an entire year of impulse buying. We should still have rules. . .
1. Anything we've said we wanted for more than a decade is possible. . .
2. Tattoos. . .
3. If you want the jacket or the shoes, buy them (under $2,000. . .).
4. $2,500 two-and-a-half months reservation period dinners in NYC. Or we can try sending the manager the book with a note. . .
What are your favorite
1. table games
2. board games
3. do you like video games
I will likely spend $500 on the next World of Warcraft just to sneak up on our children and beat them down.
I do not want us to have sneaky spending habits–can you agree that $500 on one item is a forcibly-disclosable expenditure?
Top three foods
1. Salmon
2. Avocado
0. Steak
4. Chicken
8. Asparagus
3. Mangos
5. Pineapple
6. Marionberry crisp
7. Mushrooms
Cheese
What
is
your
favorite
type of goat cheese?
I assume you enjoy smoked gouda.
a creamy gruyere?
mm. mhmm.
what about the little crystals in a years-old cheddar?
mhmm.
right.
ok.
Before you wake up in the morning
Do you need coffee
I need coffee
sometimes
before I speak.
do you prefer light or dark?
my current favorite is a dark Italian blend.
. . . Starbucks.
we are going to have a ridiculously nice coffee maker.
it’s not
because we need one.
it’s because I need
to make my old roommate whom I will hate forever jealous in spirit.
let's put it in the wall, baby. https://www.plessers.com/miele/cva7845cts
Waiter, excuse me
Do you have a *snap *snap in you?
do you
really?
let’s see it in graceful style. . . right now.
it starts at 25%.
Weirdest thing about me
I can’t shave
face
I can’t shave my
face
with a razor.
however, I can use a
straight razor.
I don’t have any more poetry
I’m poemed out
but I’m so excited to see you
there is no doubt. . .
Take your liberties, but know this
We will have a nook.
nook = window.
how many windows?
window.
windows where?
it is a window.
windows everywhere?
no. it is a window to another world.
I’m thinking Narnia?
I’m thinking mania on a cloud.
a cloud of windows?
now you’re starting to get it.
There are two places for girls and boys to become men
There is, 1. The Monster Cave
and 2. The basement
we are either lifting heavy things
or winning.
or both.
I’m calling this now
You must allow and encourage me
to be very anal
teaching the kids poker.
if you learn how to deal
poker,
you can save enough money
to buy anything you want
at 12 years old. $100/hr from double tips
Mommy needs to learn the job better than me.
I want poker fiends.
Never to be mentioned again–
The whole footprint is a basement,
but it is separated
three different ways.
one for the game room,
then there’s a humidity controlled cellar
with a secret door. . . ^**^
Future gift ideas:
- Geneva and King James 1600's Bibles
- 1800's with Apocrypha that our witches and wizards may touch
- Witchcraft and Mason's antiques and memorabilia
- Freyr's photos edited and framed (approx. 2.5ft portraits)
- A ton of $60 discounted to $30**** bottles of wine and cigars
- Hitler's teacup https://www.youtube.com/shorts/HMIt72R4Mxc
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/tn5mJk3zbSs
If you love me more than Mother
I need you to text me: 1, 2, or 3
1. Open second story hallway connecting master bedroom, office, and nook overlooking family room/kitchen.
2. Single story 25ft vaulted family room (eliminating expenses for second story rooms, maximizing wood grain)
3. Your idea is better than mine >:’ - )
Fireplaces
I like real wood
or the impossible.
any questions?
for instance,
"how does this work?"
The Master
A touch of,
"you have merely
adopted the darkness. . ."
Entry/Living Room
Go crazy,
go wild,
I need your
dancing feet.
I'd ask your father, but I am under the impression that an entry room can be extravagant and give value to the property.
I am geeking out over this marble flooring.
I'm thinking about a home that hosts 30-40 players, parents, and coaches at least a few times a year. As far as family homes go, that's a party house.
*A small injustice to your dominion, a teensie weensie ask: what if there was a super nice cabinet space for all kinds of beautiful things from trips starting with Nepal and Peru in the living room.
Don't forget about the dining room, lucky girl. I think a cozy enclosed space is nice. Maybe an entrance in back of the kitchen and another from the living room.
Mudroom
And for our muddy clothes:
you got this, babe.
I have no right!
No right at all
except to say. . .
you see what I am saying.
1. Genevieve
2. Magdalena Ryan
3. Lilia Elliott
4. Not a 22+ year investment
Here is my initial offer:
You can take full control of the entry room, living room, kitchen, bathrooms, master bedroom (minus bathroom and walk-in closet), children's bedrooms, mud room, and kitchenette in the basement. Any pictures I post of these are for suggestion only and can be disregarded. . . I will have control over the basement, family room, the nook, master bathroom and closet, and the garage.
I believe you have managed to finagle the decision on trim from me. I accept this.
You've got the banisters as well. . . I'm jealous, but they have to go with the trim perfectly.
FINAL OFFER:
I am offering the front yard and exterior for the backyard. . . and the treehouse.
It's going to be a log cabin in a tree.
check this one out https://www.wayfair.com/furniture/pdp/house-of-hampton-mirna-upholstered-velvet-round-storage-bed-with-wingbacks-w009663644.html?piid=1127814497%2C1133318859
or
https://tinyurl.com/dyltmiweypwmt
I'd really like to speak with your father about what amenities can bring a property into the luxury market. I'm not sure about a pool that would be so rarely used in NY. I'm looking at in-ground hot tubs.
Something that we can do anytime if it's financially feasible that would be really fun is to pay an architect to create a rendering of two or three different layouts. They can do entire interiors as a 3D model and we can see different looks from the outside. The sooner we do it the more time there will be to decide!
Random ideas:
1. Battlestations
Two very large TV's that can roll into the family room or basement with extra consoles to play up to 16 ways online.
2. Boating
I wonder how close to a lake, reservoir or river we can find at least a few acres of land that can be subdivided. It doesn't need to overlook the water and if not we can look at easements to permanently dock a boat and be within a few minutes driving.
The creek
Come
up
the river
and
be silent.
sweet nothing,
genial doll, gentle calf,
speak nothing.
rolling waves,
an inch-by-inch golden sand, fool’s time.
with a creek’s
heart, a swerving absence in begotten–
serrated buck-teeth,
serenading
his mom,
the forest,
with his little trees,
little “timber,"
small flares. gargantuan limbs–all eight.
become
something
that stirs
the cosmos
one inch.
belong
in your
creatures.
Hopeless
I’ve been
made so
hopeless
by you, hopeless until I cannot walk.
my back
covered with roses,
a crease of us in black foraging,
a muddled
sound of insubordinate “ka-ka-ka.”
with the trees beneath me, there is no ulterior motive.
be gone. become
something worth the effort,
like a nut
or a morsel of
very good
“tell me again.”
start flying
with yourself.
die a little bit.
A ruining
Be
cast
aside
for
love,
a little bit and piece of you.
let
romance decompose in a
fairy circle,
a little
grandiose,
a short reaching thing---
a wide
lattice, a word with you.
according to
indexes, I’ve never lost so much,
never tried so much as a nymph
tries to tell you
with something small.
there’s a maze
that disconnects,
start-to-finish.
a little bit
of hell is in you,
too.
Marching
There’s
a
part
of you
that died.
a frowning
thing,
a loathsome, enchanted night gown
crawls
in two pieces to me.
I haven’t been
able to want you
for days and days.
I haven’t
the faintest
clue how
toes
can
keep us a secret,
how blue cans of
paint wretch
at a blue-taped doorframe,
and how a mountain
carries me, too. let everything
that’s bending break
end-to-end and top to bottom.
be a little more
ingrained at the thought of a horse.
I’m weeping for home
I’m weeping now,
weeping now
to not weep later.
I’m praying
that the words,
“shame on you.”
are the harshest
words that
our children
ever hear
us say to each other.
Spices
Stealing spices,
things I wouldn’t
have with $48.60 in my checking account.
things
wet eyes
losing a $20 bill
I have enough
cash
to take you
out to dinner tonight, just tonight, just tonight.
Winter
Warm streets,
who am I?
where am I?
I’m staring
at a sandwich
in the corner store
I’m walking to Mt. Sanai
I left my green card
on the counter
Numbers
I couldn’t read numbers
they couldn’t read numbers
beaten out of me
by my mother
twenty-some years before
Tea
Tea,
I took so much tea
so much of anything
I took so many tea-bags
if I could
only have
so much of anything
Heart
His heart was giving out
smoke this,
he said he was trying,
trying to have a heart attack
the first time
he tried to die
, smoke this
, smoke this
,
Holding cell
I was in jail
the holding cell
,
doing pushups
,
sit-ups ,
, tears ,
doing breathe
sit-ups
breathe it in , exhale
he brought it in
inhale
inhale
Last line
A kid saw me
saw a kid
his las-t line
his last
my
first
347-869-
I got it on credit
what credit
no idea
iPad with
my brother’s AIM screenname
for a phone number
‘ brothers
, full-metal alchemist on a month free sub
homeless
give a homeless guy an iPad
give every soul a number
I watched it three times
every day next to my brother
, dying
he
was my brother too,
sharing the room
awake and dead
blues
skin so blue
Seance
In the shelter,
he sat on his bed
feet on the floor
needle in his hand
sticking it into his soul
(my mother laid in bed
with my brother)
his head , waist
waving
possessed
(my mother laid in bed
with him
, cradled him
while he shot up)
Fish sticks
The fish
was worse
than the malt liquor ,
I’d leave a little bit
for the poor
The corner
I’d go to the corner
steak knife
they gave me a steak knife
in my pocket
to be nice to the new guy
protection
, never threatened a person
until they chased
me with a baseball bat
Heartfelt
Smoking the rock
he said his girlfriend
broke up with him
left him to the shelter
I don’t blame
he gave me some
loaned him $40
he never came back
so I put a
smile on ,
slapped him in the face
so he
brought me a $200 Buddha statue.
Three homeless shelters
1. Free steak knives
2. free $200 Buddha statues
3. amazing homestyle chicken
, I’d cry
, I’d cry again
watching children
, playing
, and you thought I was dangerous
, you thought I was homeless
I kept the same Starbucks mug
that I found
, at the playground
A warm summer
No a/c for me
or for the kids playing
from the projects
in the
open
fire hydrant
, I’d walk
the water
jail sandals
Very
Very
cold
evenings ,
very cold nights
come forward
collect
, pennies and starlight,
down jackets
jealousy
, correctional
Begin
Drink something
red
and white
, begin to sing
see colors
very cute of you mister
,
mystery boy
,
come closer
, if you
, marry Mars
,
mistakes were made
a lot
more, a lot more I hear you
,
politely
,
tersely
disagree. . .
I am a ghost
Streets,
walking streets,
forgetting names,
, forgetting
the name
of my
highschool
best friend.
forgetting my father’s face.
Mania
If it
is a neurosis
of the ego ,
it can
keep you alive.
Dyslexia
Dyslexia
with
numbers.
$12 was $21 , or $210.
Grocery stores
I am sorry to self-checkouts ,
the worst was
3 32oz ribeyes
14 lobster tails
skewers ,
mushrooms,
peppers,
pineapple
it’s not
me,
, it’s the entire universe
scallops ,
Delusions
, Prison
, chomo
, if I ended my life in the bedroom , I’d get there sooner
, when I went to
wake him up,
his skin was devil-red .
I was scared // I broke his jaw in two places
, went to the rooftop
40 floors
I believed I’d wake up , in his handcuffs
I didn’t know anything
until he was arrested three years later.
Butterfly
It was
‘ 15 feet across
both lanes
I
followed it ,
to Port St. Lucie
from Alabama ,
‘ trees burning, burning
black and white
fire.
Don’t forget the Taco-Bell sauce
/ Do not forget the sauce
or I’ll break the door in ,
grab 6 fire, 6 hot, 6 diablo
Blood
Drinking
someone’s
blood , on accident
time slowed down
heart rate
blood pressure
low
Elephant
Covered with a blanket
, something you missed
, something
,
I want to be your child
, do you want to be mind
, do you wish
, we missed Christmas
together ,
it was only
you
A cross in the living room
, wood, bread, wine and things,
// a good bunch of
terrible two’s together
It’s sex
The cross is sex ,
. i’m lost on you,
do you want to give
anything,
everything
something you’re giving.
Signature
I don’t want to
, have sex with you,
, I want your cum on paper
I haven’t wanted sex in years
. they broke me
, rape allegations
temperance
, when you’re unwilling
dinner is at 6pm
sex it at 11pm , once a week
Memories
I forgot // my mother’s face
I’d forget
my only debit card
(no bank)
in the store
, , every week
Know how it feels
Know
. you wish you could say it to me
too little,
fever dreaming , tears and all
// come home
flowers , gangrene
There’s someone in town
. I know she’d never
, she’d never had the
change // chance
be careful
dive bar .
woo and shout
cry to the pages \\ arranging
Cremation //
There’s a little //
dove
. she’s dead
. she cried to //
beginning
cry to him , babydoll
\\ appletree,
crying // terrible
wasting
watering
, starbranches
destin\\ed
burying someone
me,
//without regret
I wish
you had //
a spade
Be care\\less
Be wise,
a little shovel
and turpentine, ,a little munchkin
and more
a little more, , I wish I could tell you something
very cute , ,handsomeness
Be
Never
//again
Dangerous
To tell time\\without maps upside down . s
to be caring\\without people knowing something . n
marriage//mirage . w
nobody cares\\nobody knows . e
Codename: mirage
//it’s inside me//what is me
\\it told me twice//
. the cursor is multiple flavors . red is best
, I put the spaces ,
//until the color is at least purple or orange
green is space// that amount is blackpurple
I did see//I did
A Julliard
//blackpurple
floutist
D#
//purpleblue
butbecauseItoldyoumystomachhurts
it was
electric-blue//the chord, her favorite chord
Presidential
Shadows ,
four and a quarter
//a four-pronged staff
and an angle
at
madness
Your gifts
Blanket in the living room ,
, the only room
waiting
for someone .
big feet
can’t take them back .
On steps
Still smoking ,
depressed as hell
//asked for what I needed
//asked for what I needed
. need nothing
Count the letters
//each one means something
//count the letters
. they mean something
, , tears
tears , ,
Espionage \\
Loyal faces, ,
creature comforts,
magic (shapeshifter, poison bugs)
they come through your computer , ,
grab your suffering \\\
feelers
(collective memory, trees, uplink)
Two movies \\
mindful coordinates,, memories
What do you say
“thank you”
no .
this was all for you
.
I had no choice.
,
Wolfmurder
You slaughtered me , I’m dead
, , I wept for you to watch
// invited you upstairs
and I
\\ back off
untilyoursalivadoesn’treachme
Signs
I wrote for you \\ for a one in a billion
we’re at stdev 6
and
you don’t understand statistics.
nofuture
I don’t see a future with you //
one where you don’t try to
( __________ by hurting me repeatedly)
I'm going to add an index at the back of our book:
, = one tear
, , = many tears
" " = happy eyebrows
// = overcomes this-a way
\\ = overcomes thatta way
Pipe
He dropped his pipe //
the man sleeping, (head under a blanket),
outside my building ,
// do you know how much pain every smile gives him
he numbs it . instead of eating
the
veteran , he walked past reeking of alcohol
Swollen
Be careful ,
your hands will swell up ,
. turn purple
your last words to your brother might be, “
“I guess this is goodbye
Better place
I’m in a better place, ,now
paper towels are a luxury
I stare at them on amazon
100 poems for your heart
Whorish pictures to hurt me // 100 poems for your heart
, , Buttocks implants , , "
Third flowers // 100 poems for your heart
, Buttocks implants , ,
Forth flowers // 100 poems for your heart
, Buttocks implants . , .
Kitten // 100 poems for your heart
You’re dead to me .
Christmas
I’ll let you know.
Someone I don’t want to meet
Who thinks I have some kind of infinite wellspring
who thinks I am invincible
who believes that I am trapped , (I felt trapped)
someone who doesn’t want
to listen to me , , how many letters did I write to ask
I’d like to read your poetry,
but I don’t want to meet a person
who hasn’t already given it to me.
I’m not sure sometimes
I’m not sure that she lets you hear me ,
I would like to give you time to think, ,
as much as you need (I rot , so good)
that all this is worthless
, , except my book, if you’re the woman you pretend to be
do you
cry
for yourself
when you're crushing me?
Mathematics
Think about going above and beyond
, , or else
my heart
looks for another one that will //
I’m sorry for your grandmother’s death
//a lot to forgive
, , to forget
\\a lot to forgive
I wish . I met her
you could
//I could
take some more time.
Dry eyes//sympathies
I could have used your sympathies//psychosis
living with my mother
drunk
every day , , screaming
do you know how
strong
every
poem
//every day
Bandages
\\\ picture everything
masturbate
to my pain
because
. it means I love you
Unbecoming
// your goal . sex, ,princess
starts with a sorry.
When to forgive yourself
//beautiful , ,
when I
see you
as beautiful again.
Forgive myself
For hating ,
no . for hurting , yes
this isn’t my best work ,
but what’s my word worth, it’s not a flower
Open-hearted
This makes me sick, ,
I wanted to be open-hearted //
but I want for nothing //
spit
in
my
mouth
spit in your eye, ,
I need something from your heart
“ “
“ “
“ “
" "
no apologies .
" "
I’m dirt ,
I know I’m dirt
you treat me
like
I’m sorry for everything
That’s the thirteenth time .
, ,that I’ve said it
The context
, how Ryan used to text me ,
. I thought,
“how classless.”
I accept this
, “ when I’m in a mood ,
he’s going to leave me .
Ctrl f
It’s after you’ve
, , said sorry
//twelve
times
I’ll take a “fuck you.”
Demonize me
I wrote it all down
‘ ‘ can you be that humble
you will be , , at times\\ or you won’t be
with me.
Feel me crying
When you’re crying
// know that you read
“ “ what you can read now
and continued.
Feel me writing
When you’re writing
“ “ know I pretended , , suicidally
“ “ to keep my head up , jokingly
and put my tears to paper
, , at the same time
I wish I could know what you’re screaming
I bet it’s pride
\\ I have none left ,
you can pick the bones
Hope
, , do you know
“ “what gave me hope
not you,
GOD.
a sign.
call it what you like to.
Anger when you’re told you’re in the wrong
// is pride
I’ve been in the wrong ,
and I’m sorry
Nobody gets me //
I should write it
in prose.
Bed-bug spray
A new bite on my little finger,
my ankle // covered
in a scab
can’t afford it
Can’t afford a new mattress
Been pissed on six times\\
by a kitten that you
unspeakable
the breeder drove from Idaho
(owed $1600, $1300 in my bank account)
I wish you could walk in my shoes
You can’t, ,
you’re probably done crying already
you’re going to send a letter \\ or you’re not
I just wish you would cry all alone
\\ until you apologize for crying
Old trees
I cried a little bit
to an old forest , for the trees
and an animal brought me here
yellow dunce cap, brunette hair waving
a little bit too---too shabbish.
dancing buffoons
//there’s a tune very close to home
two animals , handstands
and there’s regret
//closeness
\\ for all our sakes
there’s closeness.
an alien came down, I wonder where from
his green
skin sold me,
he speaks
like music . he speaks like angels.
a little jumpy\\smart tune
a little in between start and finish,
6 ways to Heaven , capitalized
I know the difference, a clown with balloons
a platter and sparklers\\more noise
than a kittens ears
know what to do with.
and there’s music.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish
I could listen to it.
Driveway
Tears // kings
small kings
waiting for their mother
my dog and I, a few minutes from I-5
she drinks,
I stare at energy demons in the driveway
// safer outside
he works nights and mornings
makes
every
game,
a good light—belief in short childhoods
belief in
churchgoing \\ children smoke
cigarettes in the bathroom
brothers work up courage to use the step-ladder,
grab the star
lights on the roof until February , until
the screaming seems quieter
and the
bottles are behind the mirrors
I know you hate too
Sun
The sun is hotter now // than it used to be
my Uncle said that, now call the police
the ants all cower at
a certain bowl will do it
a certain lens from up here, 3.5 feet high \\
my nose isn’t broken, somehow
it’s never been broken.
running into tar trucks, breaking bottle-rockets
wide open, mixing, taping roman candle wars.
my hair never caught fire. . . that’s $200/hr
Heart mixture
Cry away
every time someone’s ever lied
when they said, “I love you.”
catch your tears.
put them in a bottle
with my tears.
top with a cork.
mix.
Replaceable
The universe lied
when it hatched you,
it told you you’re just a shell,
a fragile, hopeless element.
you reach out, sometimes,
and she reaches back.
do you see her eyes,
I see her eyes
when I look at
your eyes.
What is stronger
than the soul
which dies
and dies
and still lives
The lessons
your soul
teaches you
can pain
your heart
for years
and years.
For my soulmate,
I will walk to the dying of the light.
that will
isn’t mine
it isn’t mine
it isn’t mine
evening creeps and crawls and
motions
all of each of us, the whole that we do not know
God is all
the pain
you've ever
felt in your life.
Welcome a
love who
makes you
whole again
You are the maker
who gives all
of herself
pull me, do you
pull me,
the best of me. . .
take the child,
the child in me
in your arms. remind him
how you will raise his children
love will touch you,
something
deeper
than you are,
something greater
than who you are
something in you
grander than you
think you're going to be
I’d be lying
if I told you
that you take
my breath away
you make me
breathe
so hard,
I can’t catch my breath.
I forgot my name today
it sounds kinda impossible
you said it
so many times
last night
Love is a dog from hell
I woke up cradling
twelve empty cans
of 8% beer
and an empty fifth
of hard liquor
the morning
after you hit the road.
Bukowski taught me
how to drink
after I read
three of his books
so that you'd love me.
I know I should be better
I should have
better reasons
but have you seen her
when the moon kisses her eyes
I do not need the kind of love
that pushes away
I need
someone
who holds me
You were beautiful
so beautiful
I could not have
asked
for more
but I’m asking
you to be
more
She should feel like
your first sweater
the first thing that kept you warm
It’s simple
to love
the best
parts of
each other
but the deepest
love lives inside
our darkest places.
I thought I missed my chance
I ran to the waters,
the still lake,
the still shore,
and begged the moon
to make you love me
You don’t need to suffer
like I have
you need a space
the size of a seed
in your heart
The magician
I wanted to fight God,
or so I suppose
that’s how he heard
my roar
when my
only watch left
stopped
when my card declined
on a steak
at Ruth’s Chris.
I chose the family jewels
being beaten, broken, broken
and still bitching.
they made easy work
of my face. when I finally quit bitching,
I offered them my favorite watch,
and they didn’t take it.
(though they took the rings).
You don’t need to suffer
as I have
you need a space
the size of a seed
in your heart
You remember it too,
how the cross
turned upside-down
how you howled
how I howled
across the city.
we counted
footsteps,
one by one
like it was all
we knew how to do
To say “I love you” only when I love you
is the easiest way to tell you
that I won’t always love you
tomorrow
Tonight
I told the sun
what I’d do for you
When your
voice is bright as
autumn leaves,
I quiver
and you
give your
colors
Eye contact
when you’re down there
famished
so I know
it’s for me
I’ll tear up
when I hear you read
The Little Prince
out loud,
imagine
he finds a home
and it’s ours
I am hoping
that time heals
their mistakes, my mistakes. . .
I wear my stars on my chest,
she drew a line from one to another,
and she drew another one,
and she drew one more
until the constellation
of my heart
led me
to you
If your hair
were any more beautiful
the butterflies would forget their favorite flowers
and come to you