We speak in silence

I'm checking her Spotify every hour,
and I swear
I'm writing as she listens
or I'm with her, listening
and I know it sounds crazy,
I just wrote about having sons
SUUNS
and I wrote, all caps, I need to learn
SALES
Or I wrote a whole sailboat yesterday
with clouds;
choice and truth.

So I don't want a dog

I want a dog-cat.
one that 
choses me,
that is beautiful,
athletic,
unable to
murder me,
and wants
to cuddle
at all times,
and times
that I want
to cuddle.
I'm sorry, and does not meow-bark every other second.
in
fact,
I don't
even think
it's cute, but
with as much
time as I
have
on
my
hands,
I might find
her.
she 
can never die, 
and you can train
her too. she can
already
do
tricks.
but remember
she's a cat,

A seer

A seer saw me that night
she told me you
were coming back,
and she told
everything,
and to her, 
and my destiny.
you will leave me in ten years
with three of our children.

I have wrestled with fangs,
with god,
and will you?

an old friend
saw me that night,
too.

I wrote the week before, 
       "I am done playing poquemon 
       for young adults." 
she kept bothering me
about playing Pokemon Go. she dragged me
away
from the strip club game—asked me
me five or six times. then we went to
ground kontrol and found a timed 
infinite-credit  game card on the ground.

I wasn't having any fun. We went outside and I told you I'd meet you inside after a cigarette,
       and I dissociated. I wish you the best of luck in life and love.
I'm sorry, old friend. 

The seer took me to a party the following night and I read my favorite poem to her.

She cried and read this back to me:

I am the queen of the ocean

With fire in my sails
I am the changing wind 
And to the sailor, I have no apologies 
I am not the rocks that break your bows 
I am the warm sand that cradles you when you wash ashore 
I will not apologize for my gritty embrace
My broken fingers crackle in your hearts fire
I will not apologize for keeping you warm
I am the rain that extinguishes your embers 
But I will not apologize for the water which fills you as you drink from my leaves 
I am the salvation of shade when you retreat from the burns the sun feeds you
I will not apologize for my cooling grace 
I am the earth which accepts your feet with reverence 
I will not apologize for my support 
I am the rainbow that makes your lips curl
And I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR MY BEAUTY 
The only thing I am sorry for is that you only feel the rocks, the broken dreams of the wounded explorer 
I offer you warmth, yet you only remember the chill of my gaping waters. 
The rainbow taunts you as it settles in from the storm which once quenched you’re body. 
I am sorry that you do not see me, feel me, love me in the way that I see, feel and love you 
I am sorry that you do not love yourself as my world is willing to
So... I release you, fully and completely to find salvation in yourself......
And... I hope if I do see you again... you are only more beautiful than you were before.

A bunch

I’m going to write a bunch about how
to write love 
poems
until I can remember how.
think of something—mostly 
someone—but pretend if
you have to. there were 
so many 
branches
on her,
and 
something scary with so many eyes.
once, I fell asleep outside 
of a McDonald’s, outside 
of 
my 
mother's
car. I 
heard 
chittering 
in the tree 
over my head,
and all of the eyes 
at once—sixteen—
then cooing and gurgling. 
I kid you not. they came down one 
by one and pranced in a circle around me. 
I couldn’t count how many times. the truth is this: they, one 
by one, came down from the tree
on the right side to the ground
several feet from me, then back 
up to the tree more than once in 
succession. I kid you not.

Spinning, whirling lights

I was on a walk
in Varanasi. I didn't know where
I was to start with,
then I found the baang lassi.
next thing
I know
I'm in
the
middle
of   three
funeral pires
spun on opium
and high as a kite.
and the streets were
so small,
you could fit half a small
car, and I mean my shoulders
were already too wide.
and they didn't kill me at the interpass
the tuk-tuk driver was like an uber-black,
seven wide in a three lane, and he's going
125kph between two concrete-mixers,  and
I died three times on the trek.

Patriarch

I was living a low high-life
and $3,000 mistakenly
appeared in my
bank account
from the IRS.
I could have paid to have my record expunged
but the state would give the money to my abuser.
so in Miami
I bought
a
couth
byzantine bracelet 18k.
in
NYC,
after
some
very
mystical
experiences,
I prayed for children
and 2 men in Oregon died
because I would not take the bracelet off.

Lioness card

If you don't do your
homework we're done
for because I don't even
have a reason to read right.
we missed our opportunity to
send a man to jail with a broken
cheek—
you really need to pick up your lioness
card.
read Golda Meir's book and I will go down
on you every day of your life wherein you have
eaten more books than me on the year to date.
I bet the President had a dream about her.
I asked GOD for her first, get in line.
finished praying her book
just before I left to
Ukraine.

The last

The last wedding
I attended
was actually a beheading.
I ate the bride-groom's
mother out
in the bathroom
and then threatened
him
for cheating.
sorry,
sir. .

Booksmart hunny

Lick a chapter, get the taste. you can't spit it out yet. . .
keep licking—one more chapter.
don't stop telling me about it. I'll stop when you do.
don't stop telling me about it. 

Sample size

Correct me if I'm songly,
but without you
I'd never have 
enough data. 
a sample size 
of two 
is just me and you.
to create an energetic laughter, 
we need seven stars.

Felt

I felt you 
tonight,
there wasn't any
reason,
but I cried so hard.
I know we're trying to 
be together
when neither of us
know what to do.

Heller

I am a masochist,
       god,
and I
want
hell, so I 
am Hellen Keller.









Carefree nature

A natural cycle that
occurs is not
given to care/
and you won't make
a time
to
be
good
without
making
up
the time.
make time for her with
                             a greeting
                             at home,
                             make love
                             and smell
                             roses.

Close to God

I feel close to her 
like some people feel close 
to god.
I know GOD in one-in-a-million’s,
I know her in prayer.
love her so
I’ll march down the road
to be the last face she sees.
hate her so
I don’t do it barefoot,
just so that it hurts more.

Red

I could write a poem for you tonight.
drank two beers in the parking lot,
asked for a soda. . .
somebody called me an asshole
for crossing the street
on a red (my red, their red).
I said "oops" (really softly),
and "hey",
really loudly.

Zorro

You merked three innocent men
just to capture me? I will tell you.
I know the secrets of Death’s Dog.
they missed me twice,
then I pulled two
out of my flesh.
when I walked into their trap,
I crossed my ankh,sickle
and lay down for a time
to recover what life
I had left to live
In death'.

Horse’s ass

How poor do you need to be
to ask your poor parents to die?
I understand Ghengis killed his brother,
and that’s low,
but if our parents still want of us,
want justice from us,
want justice from themselves,
from their lives,
ask them kindly to eat a few hundred apple seeds
simultaneously. .

I cried enough

I cried enough
that something beautiful came out of
my skin, and I began creating makeup.
I began creating so much that
what was apparent is no longer,
and what was terrible is so pretty,
and where the spots were so dark, and interesting—
together we could have a whole palette of markings.









I cried blood from my fingernails

A lot of children sit on rocks,
and they have to know things
that are physically painful.
they'll kill for the knowledge
and die for the resurrections of—
they won't ever have to be themselves
ever
again,

Snorting, giggling the good life

Reading isn’t something to laugh at,
but when 7 or 8 people are in a house
and the stereo and guitars are
never used—
Father sings opera to the
little bugs,
and the rugs are cleaned every season—
there's nothing going on 
on the coffee table anymore except coffee.

to wake up,
french toast with real maple syrup
and Bukowskian Pavarotti. . 

       “Mom, my Scientific American's not here!”
       “Dad's got it.”
everyone wishes they knew
what he’s up to.
       “he’s preparing wagers for
       what theories will be incorrect
       in which decade, and which are in the Stone.”
we’re interested enough to
talk about souls,
and we will be.
we all fill them out secretly, and we count
them all
at once.

The little spade

I'm done. my birthday was on the 
tenth. it's grandpa energy that I enjoy. . . six thousand
hours of practice down the drain. . . and I enjoyed quitting poker. 
my last win was the worst and the best. 

$1,200 ticket.
$14,000 for third.
$38,000 for first place.
my first shot at real money.
you'll never have what I wanted to get you. you'll have more. 
I knew what you really wanted. 
you deserve more than I won,
and you deserve more than
I am. 

the wifi went down. held KK on the button. 
I was forced to fold. sb raised. bb called. the flop came KT9.
sb checked, bb raised, sb called. turn. sb raised, bb jammed. 
AA v QJo. QJo won. I might've lost in 8th place for nothing to speak of.
 
I played fine for another two hours. this is the second magical win of my life. 
the first was a bad choice of cocaine 
dealer. I nodded off. decided to
go for gold and hope I got all
of the fentanyl already—
for nothing.
for $800.
3rd place.
but I was sober for this 3rd place. I'll play with $20.00 once a week. pray
for me. I'll have to play while you watch so you know I suck. I'll play for you.

Meat is for men

I dare not ask for better than choice.
wagyu costs dearly and coats the mouth
heavenly. but I’ve had my fill, and I ask that
she get at least a bite of something heavenly
tonight.

How many breakups

How many breakups have I been through to be yours?
I relived 
my second in the car
just now.
just now 
I went to 
bring you flowers and a poem, trying to avoid it.  
I hope
you like the 
card, and
I hope 
you get to see 
the flowers before they wilt.

I love 
you 
like no other
and I'm reliving every terrible 
thing that's happened in love.

Poet

I'm  
trying 
so 
hard to play 
at love with you on your terms.
you 
win. I've 
been trying so 
hard
so 
that 
you have 
some respect 
for me. I respect 
some purity of benevolence,
of soul
of heart 
of mind, 
of grace and benefit in doubts,
of gratitude towards 
a lesser. I am a lesser, and I 
tried to be an equal.
I tried to win a game 
that I 
forfeit
by money.

Love poems to me

Pretend something sweet,
pretend I’m a woman one time,
otherwise my
confidence
is only what you wear,
or eat, or sleep in.
I do not want to be a woman,
but it’s a tall order to ask anyone
       to believe in me.
that’s probably the whole Bible in a
       nutshell.
if I had no fear of failure, I'd still be afraid to
leave you,
and if I wasn’t afraid to lose you,
I’d be less afraid of buying a ring.

Lovely

Each tear evaporates
on my reddened cheeks
before they can 
       wetten 
       a pillow. 
falling like a samara,
they can only have light
       for themselves,
and your spinnerets in a tangle of hopeful,
undignified loss
       catch me 
with something 
that
was already
       finished. 

Lovely

Each tear evaporates
on my reddened cheeks
before they can 
       wetten 
       a pillow. 
falling like a samara,
they can only have light
for themselves,
and your spinnerets in a tangle of hopeful,
undignified loss
       catch me 
with something 
that
was already
       finished.

A lady in white

Stone 
steps 
caress 
each one
of your toes 
       like a ladle—

where 
tears 
fetched
        them with puddles,
there's a water. the sunlight 
blossoms onto your feet
       through leaves as 
you walk down to us
       waiting, 
waiting for you.
I'm 
awaiting
eternity. 

With words for the evening, I pray

I pray that I can believe every—even the untrue ones—
every word. 
every time you 
speak, 
you're 
saying 
something 
that is good 
for me or good 
for us both, whether 
or not I want 
to hear it or you want to say 
it. 
I want to know that you 
have it in your heart to win something in my 
heart. win something 
that will 
not doubt that you're my
heaven. 

From gold

"I love you", (≥ twice given that you love me that day) every day.
"I'm sorry", (logarithmic regression) beginning once daily.
"Red".
"Arabic".
A kiss on the cheek every day in presence of our children.

It's 1:52 and I'm drinking

I'm drinking vodka,
and I just took some adderall.
I don't know everything I did wrong,
and I don't know if I'm supposed to be
a dog.
I can't love you
in as many words as 
I 
have
for love.
respect,
dignity,
confirmation,
kindness,
affirmation,
expression of right to be yourself
with explanations of who you want to be.

Don't mind me if I'm angry

I thought that the story was warranted to explain myself.
I thought the picture of that first kiss, me being nineteen,
her 
being
25 was o.k.
I figured deleting women 
on my instagram
that were 
only mutually 
followed
as 
romantic
interests
was actually
helpful
to earn
your love.

In red ink

I received 
a sign when 
my faith was 
so twisted,
it warranted 
willful 
ignorance—
I'll 
never 
receive
another. at least, I believe that.
that is 
my
faith.

I don't 
know how to express 
my hatred
except to say it is buffered
by something more than me.
more than me is us.
more than me 
is five children 
with a beautiful woman, rich in spirit
rich in loyalty, 
I prayed, I begged, I beg for something richer than this.
I can't breathe,
but I shouldn't 
mix
adivan
with alcohol.
I can't be myself with you unless you accept that I am monogamous in soul.  

Are you in love, your cheeks are pink as roses I thought about bringing

Your 
cheeks
are
pink
as
roses
that I thought about
bringing to you.
I went for red with purple flowers.
I don't have a willful ignorance towards you
I have 
a deathwish
that bends my neck
like I'm hung by a noose.
I deserved hope for a second, maybe.
I had 
no
hope.
I had no will.
I had nothing of my self,
and I will fall back to nothing,
now with fewer outs. I don't feel anything 
but that I cannot commit
suicide—
that used to give 
me so much
solace.

A special kind of love drunk

I was off
a fifth of 
vodka, 
60mg 
of adderall
and 
an adivan. 
I felt your mother grip the wheel with my right hand.

I did some cardio

While I 
slurred
some Russian. remember that picture that you took
chubby cheeks
I asked for god
and I got a 100% 
on duolingo.

Here's your next card:

Choose carefully

#1 Hopscotch 
#1.5 Powell’s (each pick out two books for the other to read)
#2 My choice
#2.5 Bachata (pick anything else)
#3 Portland Spirit Dinner (March 7th or later)
#3.5 Late night roller-skating

Choice of 2 must add up to 1/2 in the first decimal place.
Don't choose bachata. I've never done it.
Love, I'll be doing cocaine, drinking, and working out. .

She must know why my grandmother loved venetian glass

She must know
why my grandmother loved venetian glass,
why valuable gifts
are often so delicate.
ornate workings of the pen
are not only meant to support weight:
to study forces, and flowings
and beauty. . .
the karesansui mustn't be trodden upon
without the deliberation and form—
the care of a rake behind the walker
makes disturbable stone.

Bring something to me, Mother

Bring a gift me me, Mother.
pleading 
through
tears,
there's one 
thing I can ask.
it's too simple.
       it's witchcraft.

       there's no spell
       that will break
       in a snap of 
       the fingers
in 
my
book.

Would you do this with our children 

Would you do this 
with our 
children
at home?
I wouldn't forgive you.
how can 
I forgive 
you now? If you cry more than me, you're false to me.
       give me your location.
       I'll expect a call every night. twice. three times. FaceTime. if you want jealousy 
you'll have coldness. I never deserved this. I'll grow to expect your jealousy. . and I won't be able to express my own because of how little I trust you with my emotions. discipline creates trust in me. 
       I love you, in some way. 
blame me
for it.
I blame 
myself.

House-man

Is this what you want? I'll be
a 50's house-husband. I'm sure this 
is what they felt like with a bad voice. . 
I don't know what to ask for from you.
I sigh at this laden 
to be fucked over
shit. . tigons, ho'.

High-class marriage 

What is joyful?
openness.
what is sorrowful?
money-talks.
what is life-long?
monogamy.

Sleepless 

I woke up sick 
to my
stomach
three times
last night. I 
wish throwing up
would make it easier.

Retirement

So, you'd pay me for two 
years to learn poker?

as long as you valued your losses.

didn't you?

no.
I starved for them.
I woke up every day and smoked cigarettes.
I won every bag of cocaine three times over. 

The trouble

One 
not-really
a-joke
saying
in my family
was,
       "the trouble started
       when you 
       hit me back."

Pillow princess

There's nothing I can do for you
when I'm
insecure,
in doubt,
under-the-weather, 
or working sixty-plus hours a week.

Hop-scotch

Remember us on 
the sidewalk, 
I don't remember 
very much
from those years,
I remember dancing 
at church,
the cross 
upside down,
middle 
fingers higher.

skipping 
down the sidewalk—
I put my 
music 
on. I know 
you 
didn't 
like it,
but if you 
can 
stand 
it, the promise 
still stands
(10 cities)

The chaperone 

What a vibe-killer, 
a chump, a candlestick—
he wrote 
a song 
for me 
and we never 
fucked. tried. 
couldn't get it up his ass.
I regret every 
time that I brought 
him along,
I remember 
catching his 
eyes after he 
caught 
yours—
that look. 
you hated 
him as much 
as I ended 
up hating 
him in the 
end. he 
didn't back 
me up when 
his fat-ass forty-five-year-old 
friend 
told him that I 
drugged him. 
I'm not even gay. son-of-a-bitch.

Split open

A single image
can split open a nutshell of the past
and memory shoots 
to every direction,
sprouting its fingers and toes,
and it's vines
and flowers
until our garden's 
alive 
in all of its fragrances

To reveal

And that's part
of your problem,
you don't 
believe 
that you have enough
not to 
reveal,
and she does not
tell enough
and she doesn't have 
enough
to reveal it
and she loves that you would know it
and not 
and not go 
to hell with her 
in order to find peace
because there isn't any

I don’t want 

I don't want someone 
that wants 
to become 
someone who can love me
I want 
someone 
who believes 
[in me]
every (fucking) word 
I (goddamnit) say, when I say, (never how I say)
I just want to feel like you mean what you say.
well I’ve fucking 
died to show that 
what I say 
is not how I feel (sometimes), but what the fuck I mean.
well figure it the fuck out because
I just want to fuck you—
I hate that you don’t want to try to give me the peace
I need to love you

Hate 

I hate that I 
spent
another
holiday without you,
and I hate
that you 
wouldn't
hate it 
too.

Fancy restaurant

Where they are
actually happy

Addict

There's nothing I can dream tonight, praying, I'm praying
for children
or for
cocaine
or for
a hangover that is
not-so-bad
tomorrow.

how sick is this—
I came back from hell
O.K.
and now 
I'm dreaming, dreaming
of heaven
and I fall down 
here on earth
rather than 
lay
in
the
dirt.
despicable.

the first 
death
pact
I made
was to my mother,
       "I'll kill myself if
       I get oral herpes." 
and then I watched my brother waste away.
I got it just yesterday from SM.

Some credit

I might have 
killed her, 
I might have 
killed H.A.V.
I was looking for a 
free ride to Hawaii,
and you called me
and said you love me.

What is not an addict (drop that acid)

What I used to be with 
everything—
abhorrent to alcohol
everything else was great
on
occasion.

drop it
for fuck's sake.
do it for 
fuck's sake.
for 
fuck's 
sake

Sluts

We were in my little A3,
3 girls in the back,
a protected dealer
riding shotgun next to me.
my brother called me for the last time. . .

SM and I hadn't met up since around
the time that 
I last
brought 
her
to meet him.
there was a little loft
and we were pussy-footing
around too little or too much. . 
he decided to shoot some peanut m&m's
no look
from the floor
man, was he an incredible shot—
nothing open.

when he picked up on speaker,
they started chirping at me,
       "who's that, who's that (who's that)?"
       
       "who're these sluts?
       . . .where's the last one?"

The whipping

A fisherman
born and bred,
he could put a treble hook
through a steel-head's
steel head 
on a bright and sunny day.

I always brought a book
and it always ended up in the water. . .
usually after me. 

back then, I couldn't take him. too fast.
a cheetah on a baby giraffe. 

when my caracal went missing,
my brother came by unannounced
he knew I wasn't alright.
we went for a hike.
I asked him if he'd
help me put up some 
flyers around the city.

he said, and I quote, 
       "I'd call the cops on him myself."

so I took his fishing pole 
and whipped the shit out of him,
straight across his back. 
last three 94mph throws I had left.
he laughed, and laughed. . .
we put up about 300 flyers
and someone phoned a 
couple days later to tell 
me they found him 
playing on a rocky cliffside.

The yips

I've only ever been
a big dog, sleepy eyed,
and now I've got the shakes.
       please don't leave.
afraid to bark for you
during business 
hours, afraid to ask you to call me.
will you call me 
more than 
       you 
will
       want
       esteem?
       from who?

Doggone 

He's afraid you will cheat on him.
       it's a tough ask for pity from
       an injured animal.
I know you've been through it. so has he.
there's not a chance in a
wired world
but
don't hop the fence, 
       try your best 
       to pretend
       you're me.

The worst

The worst 
possible thing that I could imagine, besides a DWI,
is finding 
that my son
is addicted to
child pornography. 
the poor 
man in me might show the (fire)
Führer 
itself. destroy 
every wifi-adaptable 
device in 
the 
home.
there's 
the prince, (ice)
who might 
be able to
put the fear 
of hell in 
him for life.
have him 
taken to jail 
not knowing 
why.
and
        there's
        the 
rich (ice & fire)
man 
who 
knows 
what 
military 
cybersecurity 
can pay. 

Canceling the choir

If you cancelling someone else
is because you don't know your own
self, subtlety implied,
you might need to be canceled by the choir

Write it (cancelled)

If your expectations are expectations
that your expectations augment
the reality of another
to the degree that their change in behavior
will give you a sense of power
greater than my indignation:
canceled

Uncanceled

If your implications,
when impolite actions are abound,
are not reinforcing the behavior
agreed
then they are going to get you
uncanceled, canceled

Despite everything

You know what a bad man needs to fall
in love with:
every kind thing you’ve ever done.
don’t lie, or do.
tell me about the time you
sacrificed popularity
or tell me how fast
that new kid fell
in love with
you

Date for so long

So long to realize the little things
that turn you on—
I’m sorry I had so many of you like her,
and she’ll never
know why I
couldn’t let her
know

Faith

I’m afraid to cry
for reasonable judgment.
if I could just have faith,
maybe I can cry tomorrow.
maybe tomorrow will come
and I’ll have you—
that is weakness, and so
I pray for miracles.

The little things

Ballet in your touch, and your grasp
of keeping the edge and point of a blade away
from soft things, like my eyes, if you want them sharp
and manhandle how you want to,
your hands to yourself.
this is too brass,
but do you know strings
you know strings

I love you

I wish I could do something for you.
I wish I could do
something,
anything
that you want me
to do.
I'll be able to say,
       “I did this for you.”
and all I want
is for you to say,

To my daughters

It's so easy for a lady to cheat,
and it's so difficult for a husband to cheat
without finding a girl who would
gladly see him divorced.

Hurting

I want to be able to hug you, 
to hold you,
but I am 
supposed 
to know
that you don't want me, right? 
I want you so badly,
but I'm hurting.
you would have known me right.

I'm chewing my fingernails

I'm biting them 
like an
abused
dog.
I just clipped them, like
a good owner.
there's blood now
and I feel anxious because
I'm ashamed. . .

Honey hands

Accept your power, know your loom.
you’ve got lives in your scrawny, honey hands.
all that stiffening and straightening and lying and painting a picture.
panting,
panting,
panting away at a cat that doesn’t even acknowledge your existence
except that he’d come up to say hello
to a damned red Clifford character of a  human
and you’d be so struck with curiosity
that you’d forget to be angry and agitated with him
or you weren’t to begin with

A drug dealer raped you

I know it to be true—
already
dead to me,
but
I will drink brake cleaner myself
to love you.

Married couple's therapy

I attended a class once,
and all I could get out 
in class
was my own angst 
at never being heard.
couples therapy isn't so different
except that I come off as abusive to say so,
but I don't trust that many people 
tell their therapists
the whole truth. so I'd go quietly and offensively
to my partner's therapist.
what if we both wrote down 
everything,
everything that we needed to read
from another perspective,
and in fair love to each other we never spoke about it,
just wrote 
back and forth.
your secrets are safe from my speech,
except the words
in the same diary
on the nightstand.

Can we talk

I need to tell you something,
(and it's not instantly regretful)
there's something I feel between us
(and your heart doesn't drop)
that isn't letting me be myself
(you don't frown),
(and you're listening,
and you're hopeful) 
and I feel your heart speaking,
       "don't be scared, I'm not yet."

I feel close to you (attachment theory)

There's a little electricity
               my calves ache
legs shake
I want blood
from my fingernails
              and I'm so nervous
              I want to cry
                I want to die a little bit