Dear SM,
I'm so high on this very fine coffee. My birthday is tomorrow. So I'm sad. I freaked out two nights ago and wrote like fifty poems, most of which I deleted when I regained a normal thought process.
They were approximately: Don't you dare have feelings for another human being on planet earth. If you sleep with someone I will know it and we'll be cursed. I don't care if you tell your sister that you love her. I hate your mom so you're not allowed to tell her that you love her. I'm kidding I have a gift for her. I found a Christmas present for your sister, too. It's llama. Don't worry yours is softer. There are probably a hundred boxes in my mother's storage and I've gone through most of them. I still can't find the wifi modem and router that my mother took from my old roommate after I left with the truck. She thought that I forgot it. I also left that cursed, moth-eaten icebreaker zip-up that almost got me killed. Remember that text with the black symbol that looks like an emoji style Eye of Horus? I want you to remember any moments when you feel something similar. While crossing the street my head turned dramatically to the left where there was nothing to look at (except blackness in the middle of the night, no sounds) just before a driver accelerated way too quickly turning left from their stop sign and nearly ran me over. If you somehow get murdered because I feel so hateful that you would use a lion(ness?) emoji I'll find you in the underworld. I might have to pay a toll to Anubis or something. Let's move to Russia where I can't even make conversation with anyone for the next several years except you. I'll be even cooler than the most silent of Russians. Very good fun. . This coffee is actually making me sleepy now. It's an occasional party trick of mine to fall asleep within five minutes of drinking the whole plate. Very impressive. . . .
I'm going to use this as a canvas while I write to you.
*sniff
Snow crystals
Snow crystals
dancing form
without form
dancing without
form
and
care
in
the
world
tonight
I miss
you
tonight
I wish you were here
and
I wish you were here
tonight
you
miss me
tomorrow
we
are
in
love,
stars,
freedom
dancing together.
*more sniffles
refresh this really fast sometimes. . .
So there's this chicken, right. He's a really expensive chicken. We've bought him to keep as a pet. What we don't realize is that he is already trained to murder every other rooster in his presence. So the other roosters die very terrible deaths. The screaming wakes the boys and they come to our room. We grab a flashlight and hurry outside to find out what it could possibly be. It's too late to do anything to help so we are forced to watch in terrible horror. . such tragedy—one that will never be forgotten.
I'm tired of waiting for you to look again. Hope you're having fun with all of those fucking bailarinos. Fuck you. C'mere.
..
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIdmkWJMWj8
COL derpy-bird,
Eagles are elite
predators, nigga,
don't give but
three fucks,
fuck you,
you and
you.
Q.E.D.
YOU BIG ASSHO-
..
SOME QUAINT EAGLE DICK FOR YO' ASS
THUS IS DEMONSTRATED,
MAY THE DICK BE INFINITE on YOU (17yrs)
..
what i'm sayin is you're playin
three boys at once and they
know it. deek this shit.
Eagles sometimes do their homework two years before the assignment.
GL.
"at seventeen she died, emotionally, one time, and then later once more,
and then she finds her eagle.
that's what i'm countin' on, ho'." (2043)
. .
I'm afraid this is weird now. I miss you. Don't worry this is just a rough draft for our eldest's first 4-way. Mom's gotta find these things out so I can destroy her soul.
Why are you not posting any music. I swear to god if you are out dancing with some trash spanglish speaking cock-heads
you're weird. I'm not going to lie
it's strange to actually listen to the
'music that you post.
I always do but sometimes
I'm so possessed
by the titles
that I hate you. not really I was just really tripping the fuck out. . . you're aware. I'm sorry. I am not trying to hurt you, I am truly not sure what is supposed to happen so I will do what is best for the future.
did you know that it's my birthday?
hmm.
well.
are you somehow making the association with me not calling you on your birthday
that is entrapment. . .
you told me to never talk to you again. .
I want to forget that but it's not really a joke. particularly for myself.
you're wonderful, and beautiful,
and I Iove you. call me, dummy
another deleted poem.
I threw my burner phone across the
street and into the woods behind my mother's
apartment. the number was not in my name.
there's no way I'll be able to get it back
to delete a bumble that I hadn't used
since before we last were talking.
I was really mad that you
asked me to call
..
hey. are you asleep? maybe not. I hope you're having an amazing time. I wish I had a chance to see the events that you put together. is that coming up sooner or later?
reply via song, or else
..
BYe.
..
Elven Mysticism, display #1
I am an elf,
a very child
of glaring elf
born of princely caliber
and a baby is born next to me
who is ( )
and we are raised
from birth
as soulmates
and she has something very interesting
a quirk
that actually spikes my intelligence
and makes me hella derpy
and she doesn't really like me at all
until I literally lead a war against men
and she's
like, "wow."
Elven Mysticism, display #2
she finally agreed to marry me,
and she was super awesome
but always was like
'I need a pure elf'
and I was like
just give me some babies
and wait a goddamned second
and then I caught her in bed
with this fucking guy,
and he was actually bigger than me
but literally gonna die in 4 years
from a heart attack
from all the fucking necromancy shite,
and I just started laughing maniacally
Elven Mysticism, display #3
raising the dead
this guy was a dumbass
all you actually need
is human sacrfices
why the hell didn't
we take more pow’s
Elven Mysticism, display #4
so I'm fucking massive
I don't even know what to do
I can't even properly wipe my ass
but now she's doing it for me
so, we're cool for now
Elven Mysticism, display #5
kind of having a problem here,
the elves have made sure that in the human bible
we are practically daddy of god,
and they want things from us now
and I'm pretty sure our monarch is on his way out,
but I might be dying pretty soon too. . .
Elven Mysticism, display #6
So, I read my wife's diary, and turns out I'm perfect. I tried to outdo the necromancer who took my wife for a whirl, and
I actually absorbed souls of the living.
so the guy is now super fucking dead,
and I'm a warlock.
I got so huge that I split in half,
or something weird as hell, literally, but
anyway this guy is pretty cool, my wife likes him,
his name's Sherlock.
now she's talking about babies.
life is fan-fucking-tastic.
You won't likely ever see the Bumble profile that I can't delete. The location's set in Beaverton. It's been sitting there for months and I have not used it. It should fall off after a time. If you do hear about it somehow, I am very sorry. I really am. I love you. This was a mistake not to call you. You'd better be having an awesome time across the pond. 💙 I'm going to miss you more and more, seems like. .
you have two seconds to give me a song that makes me happy. .
you lost ok here goes everything I've been thinking about for the last 8 hours without punctuation so what I've been doing is making the stories a little more digestible . also the Bible even takes the last part of Noah's ark and puts it in the middle . by working out what is most understood by a reader. mystery is a little better now I think. also I got obsessed with putting and at the beginning of every line in my poems and I think I've actually created a situation that hurts my ability to correctly write prose by punctuating poetry in the tempo of how I speak it in my mind. I love you .jk. I don't because you don't today I guess
you're hot
do
you
want
to
fuck;? :also have you thought about all of the best ways to teach 5 year olds how to make every first letter of a sentence into an emoji? ;I'm hoping to have them cussing by 9. . amongst themselves. :hope that's cool with you. =see: ;flavorite modality. . poem I wrote on Facebook in your mind because :i'm not about to go back through all 700 posts or whatever the hell I did to tell you that I want your babies. I love you.
I'm so unhappy today. I'm 280lbs, can't bring myself to sing, and will be having surgery soon. What are you doing? I just bought a fifth of vodka and I'm in a better mood. not good.
2. shots. left. I can drive. WAnna go out for Valentine's Day . i miss you. why didn't you post anything : (
. .
I’m having a hard time at my mother’s place. She is a very abusive drunk. I do not have patience to not damage myself when she won’t keep quiet to me when drinking. I don’t have money to move out for three weeks. Bad day.
I woke up at the witching hour this morning. I was thinking about you. Last night was terrible, you didn’t like me in my imagination. I only drank half a fifth of vodka yesterday though. I’m not an alcoholic. Do you like Bloody Mary’s? . . help me out with this poem I’m so tired
Double-blind
Sometimes you need to put a blindfold on a someone to test
something out.
sometimes you
need to put a blindfold on yourself as well.
but you have to adhere to FDA rules
and regulations,
so don't worry, it won't be too scary—
once I ate a worm and it was all ok.
I guess
if you
both
wear a blindfold, neither
of you can change the
the test results with
what you think.
if you don't have any friends,
you
should
try blindfolding
your favorite pet.
see
what
their favorite food
is and if it
matters
where
you put it.
just never make
them
sad
if they can't find it. give it to them anyway.
..
wait what's going on, why are you sad? now I'm sad. seriously :( why won't you unblock me? I'm kind of freaking out all of a sudden. I had really bad feelings this morning. I love you. .
can I come over tomorrow? I'm struggling with everything right now. I wanted so badly to take control of my life and show you that I am capable of being responsible and without any vices but I'm not even able to save money and I'm just getting fucked up every day. I'm sorry, I've tried. I give up. you won't be happy with me I know that. If you want me please help me. I've loved you uncontainably since June last year. I've wanted to be with you since last June. The tenth. I love you Sophia and I feel like I've failed at the most basic thing I've tried to do for myself . For us. If you still love me please know in your heart that I will be a good person. I will be stronger for you. I'm sorry.
. .
You don't know
You know how much
I miss you.
you are
keeping the only
wanting thing I've
ever ever wanted.
have you ever wanted something so bad that you
ever it does
mourn. does it
I feel lik mountain of energy. I feel like you
mourn be the only person that goes up to the peak.
there might not be any way down to the bottom from the peak.
don't be scared. you'll be able to breathe. you might be able to fly.
..
I want you to call me
No more drinking. I'm not white knuckling anything
when I get a chance
at the most important
thing I've ever tried for,
tell me what to do. tell me how to be for us. .
I'll be anybody, coach.
I'll do anything for you, how many times do we have to run
for sleeping in too late?
can I go to the bathroom? I won't be long.
if I go down on you after practice
we won't be get tell each other to be better.
thank god.
I won't
trifle
without becoming the best I can be. can we go get pizza?
. .
grippy-cock
*sdribbles ou t
*scribbles out
er-erm.
grippy-socks party at your house and I'm crashing it
..
I've worked out twice today. Arms and abs, booty. need to get that baseball ass back for coaching. 💛
I want to be the best I can be for you. I'll have to pull it together living with my mom when she's drinking.
My appointment to be referred to a surgeon is on the 5th. My chest is going to be lacking :( do you want to hear something good?
..
are you going to be home tonight?
..
Never mind </3 I couldn't come by today. I'm scared. Say that you love me. I was in love with you from the moment you told me that you love me. Say it again, please.
. .
I bought this book for you. I couldn't give it to you at the halloween party. I got our angel number today. so many threes in my pocket.
Oneness
There's something dense, united, sitting in the
background,
repeating its number, its identical signal.
How clear it is that stones have handled time,
in their fine substance there's the smell of age,
and water the sea brings, salty and sleepy.
Just one thing surrounds me, a single motion:
the weight of rocks, the light of skin,
fasten themselves to the sound of the word night:
the tones of wheat, of ivory, of tears,
things made of leather, of wood, of wool
aging, fading, blurring,
come together around me like a wall.
I toil deafly, circling above my self,
like a raven above death, grief's raven.
I'm thinking, isolated in the vastness of the seasons,
dead center, surrounded by silent geography:
a piece of weather falls from the sky,
an extreme empire of confused unities
congress, encircling me.
. .
I woke up this morning at 2:30 in a half sleep. I stayed in a dream for an hour, thinking of you. At first it was scary—creatures of us with long, sharp nails and even sharper teeth. I asked for love more than once, but you kept giving me lessons' of understanding of myself, and of you. Something said you would go and I begged you to stay. Something of you needed to go. I called for you, and woke so heartbroken. Then some beautiful creature appeared, small, sweet, sparkling, with wings like a dragonfly. She ran her fingers through my hair, and I fell back to sleep. I hope you're going to look at the lucky playlist. . you can't figure it out don't worry. Dummy.
..
Why? Why would you post that picture? Are you seeing him now? I was afraid to call you. You make me feel like a joke, unblock me if you want to talk. What kind of person asks someone else to call them on another number after they've blocked the person they've made clear they're in love with. This game makes me sick. Are you just trying to make fun of me? You need to get over your ex if that is who you know this ridiculous childish gaming from. You'd rather do this than believe in anything I've said to you? What are you doing this for? I'm asking you to stay with me in spirit, not create some terrible cycle of absolute heartbreak. I love you. What do you expect me to do? I felt like an absolute clown when you asked me to call, only to find out I'm still blocked after I did. WHAT DO YOU WANT? Don't do this to us. I haven't been with anyone since you told me you loved me. Have you read anything I've written? Are you just trying to get me to be jealous? How am I even supposed to believe that this is a game, that you're not with this person right now? How am I ever supposed to believe you. You can believe me because I was forthright when I didn't need to be. I wasn't trying to crush you. I wasn't trying to destroy your heart when you're already barely holding on. WHY??
I didn't see a beautiful woman who told me that she wanted my child last year and then came to see me over my birthday without telling me that she was coming and told you so that you'd have faith in my feelings towards you. I wrote something off-handed between times that we were talking around when you blocked me that was unfoundedly prophetic in retrospect so I noted it while telling you that I am with you only. Is it fair that I am now treated like some throwaway person by you because you overflowed with jealousy when I'm doing my best to give you what you want in communication? What do you expect me to think? This has been so hard for me. I am in love with you and you tell me to call and I can't. You tell me to come over and I'm afraid, but I do it anyway. I haven't been eating much the past few days. I've been going through hell living with my mother trying to save some money for us. How can I believe that you're serious about anything you've seemed to make clear between us? I have not been with a single woman romantically since you told me that you love me. Why would you do this? What is your goal? I don't give a fuck if you believe anything that's happened that I have written poetry about but you need to believe that monogamy and purity of heart and mind are things that can create a foundation to a lifelong relationship. If that's something you want then cut the games completely. What can I do? Tell me what I can do. How am I supposed to respond to you when you asked me to call you and I finally broke down and did? How am I supposed to trust you? Is this how to build trust? I wanted to bring you a card that I wrote with flowers today. Are you with this guy? WHAT DO YOU WANT
I have faith in who you were becoming. I have faith in the partner you want to be. Do you want me to come over tonight? I have a gift for you. If you want to be a person who's looking for something that might last the rest of our lives, unblock me and I'll call you again. How do you expect me to feel right now? I'm sick to my stomach. I don't know how I can ever see you as the person that I need to see you as. I gave you as much information as was necessary and in a way that was not meant to be any kind of a slight to you. You just posted a picture of you with a man on a playlist that was supposedly to tell me that you wanted to live with me and be my wife, and move to NY together. You told me that you want to give me children. I want that more than I can say to you. I can't forgive you for this. I never will. What have I done to you that comes close? What's enough is showing me that I can trust you to be with me and only me for the next 3 decades of our lives, and that I can have faith in you that you will be with me when I pass away and wait for you. How could you do this? I'd like to come over tonight like I was planning, but how can I look you in the eyes without crying or yelling? I'm sick of this and I want so badly to give you some benefit of the doubt but there isn't any to give. You can give me every benefit of the doubt based on how I told you about the only two things that could ever cause you to doubt my intentions. I hate this. GOD. WHY? I'm sick to my stomach. What should I feel like when I come over with flowers tonight?
..
I'l be there by 7. please answer. I love you, and I don't understand what all of this was for if you're just going to run off with some other guy. I'm coming. I was afraid, Sophia. I'm so afraid because of horrible things that have happened and I have never even gone this far to show a woman that I love her. I love you. I'm bringing something over. Please don't hurt me. Please be kind. I love you more than I can ever express in words, Sophia. You're the only good thing I have in life, and I barely have you. Please don't do this to us. You've crushed me multiple times over and I pray for once to god himself that I can continue doing what I believe is best for us to die together. I'm begging you. . . I'm begging you. . .
..
I left you a flowers and a poem. Stay with me in spirit.
..
I wrote a story
a story came to an ending months ago. I wrote a story begging you not
to be with another man.
and then Valentine's Day came and went, and I wrote the story again.
the first
kiss.
I'm begging you not to fall in love.
I'm begging you. I not even going to have sex with another woman.
I haven't had sex with another woman while in love.
I never had the heart to. maybe it's biblical.
maybe its soft and weak.
maybe its what we preach from all corners of every view of mysticism or spiritual thought.
I wish I wouldn't have played a game with you. I didn't know this was a game. you win. I'm wailing as silently as I can in my bed.
I was trying
to earn
your
respect
while
keeping
to
my
spirit. I'm sorry. I'm sorry so many times. . . stay with me.
..
Sophia, I'm sorry I am not what you wanted. I'm sorry I am not as I could've been. I'm wishing that you would give me a reason to be.
that's why you don't want me. I understand. I have only what was given to me.
there's nothing else. there's nothing more to me.
if you could tell me what you want
I'll be it. I have a decent mind. I have a decent ability to fit in to any social-circle.
I want you. I want to have
you all to myself.
and I played against for the future
that because I thought
that's what you must want. .
..
ODE TO WINE
Wine color of day,
wine color of night,
wine with your feet of purple
or topaz blood,
wine,
starry child
of the earth,
wine, smooth
as a golden sword,
soft
as ruffled velvet,
wine spiral-shelled
and suspended,
loving,
marine,
you've never been contained in one glass
in one song, in one man,
choral, you are gregarious,
and, at least, mutual.
Sometimes you feed on mortal
memories,
on your wave
we go from tomb to tomb,
stonecutter of icy graves,
and we weep
transitory tears, but
your beautiful
spring suit
is different,
the heart climbed to the branches,
the wind moves the day,
nothing remains
in your motionless soul.
Wine
stirs the Spring,
joy grows like a plant,
walls, boulders,
fall,
abysses close up,
song is born.
Oh, thou, jug of wine, in the desert with the delightful woman I love, said the old poet.
Let the pitcher of wine
add its kiss to the kiss of love.
My love, suddenly
your hip
is the curve of the wineglass
filled to the brim,
your breast is the cluster,
your hair the light of alcohol,
your nipples, the grapes
your navel pure seal
stamped on your barrel of a belly,
and your love the cascade
of unquenchable wine,
the brightness that falls on my senses,
the earthen splendor of life.
But not only love,
burning kisses,
or ignited hearts—
you are, wine of life,
also
fellowship, transparency,
chords of discipline,
abundance of flowers.
. . . I love you.
. .
Seeing a little light on blood
In a battle of men and beasts,
sit down by
a small tree,
he said,
sit down
and think
of all of the times
you
wept
for
peace.
sit down
and
drink
and eat. sit
down. let
the banyan
ask you if
you've done well,
and it might
have some
desire to give you, warrior.
there's
nothing
that can
be spoken in recompense,
so speak
nothing. ask
me if I would
fight one more day
for my love. speak nothing.
..
I have a a couple F;;;King questions.
1. do you want a shiny or sparkly bridal. 2. do you want me to call you when I'm homeless? fml I just realized what "dream horse: still corners" means. There's only one that I want to get and I cannot afford it when I get my winnings so now you're getting what I wanted to get you in the second place most likely and I can't expect you to be happy WHY IN THE FUCKING HEAVEN ON ENGAGMENT EARTH IN HELL .
you're getting a shiny bridal I don't give adamn I'm just gonna cry myself to seleep. . Tacori is superior. I don't really give a shit what you say at this point it's sdumb. unless you want tiffany's in which case go jump off a bridge we already agreeeeed * squak * Tiffany
s is agay.
I FOUND THE BRIDAL IT:S ALSO MINE if found not worn on your person I'm putting this is legalese in the marriage certificate file after I give the retainer to my divorce attorney WHAT IS NORMAL. DIVORCE IS NORMAL SO EVERYTHING IS NOT NORMAL.
I'm sorry ouch I feel this way too now so be careful about your verbiage look at the statistics this is weird I'm quite quacky drunk and typing as if I'm not myself ok here goes nothing I'm winding if you want tote my boyfriend at all and you have just said id dt . . can't continue I'm not taking you to e-sex clubs unless you have it in you to care more about our masks (custom) than the experience. I WOULD. don't say I would I'm kinda super upset rn reading this is. not cool. you're weird.w
why customs? because I have huge face. that's why. I'm not going to look like a schmuck. ; *
. .
would you like to fucking go. I think we should get a divorce right now just to see who’s fucking boss in court after my record is cleared permanently on mistrial due to being deemed insane by a doctor of the district attorney’s office as well as tv show taken down subsequently. @sharksmile
..
I believe this is all MISGIVINGS. Yours were on the ring, the first one I chose, in childish nature, to see your excitement at something that you simply said was beyond my price-point.
I fucking love the way that you have all of this for me after I blow out your asshole and now I realize that you have zero childishness except to write me a poem and now there's a problem is that Noonan has as message and it is that you're right but not correctly stating the fact that you love her it's just that you have nothing to say we expected you to delete this so do not and watch yourself become a shriveled old man without a right to deivorcesssssssssss
thank god I'd be a better stay at home parent than her.
so fuck me harder.
in every hole.
there's some masochism for litigation, and for logic, there's logix. I swear to goodness if you didn't have the patience to take the fact that on GOD's name I swear to thee that an assjob will keep my cock hard for you for another three-and-a-half decades
than a boob job
I never got to break up with my first flame
there's nothing that will embarrass me at this point
my first love was you. she was you ,
but get one anyway
and if you decide to want to have somebody who likes kitties, titties, and flowers wait a minute that's me.
so if you decide to like somebody who needs HUGE non saggy boobs (due to babies)
I will watch you fuck them once
once you've given me five children.
look
if you want me to read this be careful because Iw ill gush a fountain of lava and then be angry and then bop silently to your jams.
I've literally had multiple bop experiences" until I go to a therapist; recently due to your gaming with the pics of that black gay folky dude.
but SERIOUSLY
I NEED IT FLAT OUT
FROM YOUR FINGERS OR YOUR PEN. . .
IF YOU WANT A BEARISH BOD LIKE THAT
I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU UNTIL I DECIDE IF I WANT 10 YEARS OR MORE ON THE BACK END OF LIFE.
SO BE REAL HERE
YOU'VE ACTUALLY CAUSED ME TO GAIN 5 POIUNDS (DUE TO STRESS EATING)
BUT IF YOU WANT ME TO GAIN ANOTHER 20 I'M DOWN (FOR 20 YEARS???). THAT'S WHERE I'M HEADED.
..
G O D MOTHER F U CK I NG DAMNIT I DID NOT MEAN TO IMPLY THAT I WANTED A DAUGHTER THAT WAS NOT IVF OR SURROGACY YOU FUCKING IMPOTENT WOMAN WHOM I WILL LOVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE IF YOU WOULD JUST STOP THIS FUCKEDRYSHIT. I was saying if we have a bright and calm baby (thanks to me : P) you'd better slut me out . I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET YOU TO PROMISE ME A CHILD . before the ceremony . * cries panda
AS LOUD AS YOU CAN HANDLE MY SCREAM:
A. I WANT A BEAR.
B. I WANT A BULL.
1. 300lbs looking like I can still throw a fucking tank at you.
2. ~255 4-6 pack .
I need this shite in writing. I am going towards what I did not initially plan for, and I will always wonder if you wanted it.
* IT'S OK TO BE A . . . ABSOLUTELY NOT. You will still love me if . . . ABSOLUTELY NOT.
if you are able to explain yourself without lying, I will love you for what happened to me. If you want forgiveness, I need writing. I might be homeless tomorrow, but do you want a bear or a bull?
..
just saw your photos ,I feel better now
.. . . . . . .... . .. . . . . ( : . . . .
holy shit we might have a serious problem.
I'm taking steroids.
A bear past 25 takes steroids.
A bull takes slightly more than a bear if he wants a six pack.
a bear will die at 40-69. (as a bear(
a bull will die at 38-79. (as a bull)
. .
will you sleeps naked with me.?
always and forever
please
youyou . I want to tie you up and see if I can make the candlvwax hot enough to light you on fire >,< you know why I'm going to miss my non-existent flirty-30's
(I'm not drunk (I'm drunk(I'm not that drunk)))
because I have never had a slave for an entire weekend. 48 hours. cage. unlimited kitty bowls of baked brie and focaccia with bacon and heirloom tomatoes if we can find them. you have to clean the floors with your wrists and ankles (fuzzy) cuffed in the morning. when you're finished I'll hand feed you pre-natal vitamins and we'll have some coffee while you try to convince me to let you give me head instead of more cleaning. then I'll give you a bath. you dirty. . . then you will wear your collar underneath your turtleneck for a classy dinner before we hit the underground club.
. .
fyi a bear needs a heavy weight-set. it'll probably cost like $4k . ily
Honest to GOD will you suck on my nipples. I've never had that either. I was going to shave/laser and now I guess I won't so hopefully there's some suction. I'm going to need your milk btw. If you have seen this online I have sociopathic theories but it's neither here nor there. so I get like 1/4 of it unless you're nursing the twins. they have priority. but keep it coming. seriously, I'm on it. . . so I'm imagining I'm having a conversation with you . "do you want to eat cake off of my kitty? I've never had that before." "*confused* *revolted* *confused* I don't know how you're speaking. are you trying to tell me that nobody has eaten lemon meringue of your kitty? scooch over here. . . oh no I only bought key lime. try your best to roll over. . . nobody taught you how to roll over? poor baby. c'mere"
do you vwant ? P.S. I checked around and OHSU's fertility clinic seems to be the best . do you have a preference? I'll have my winnings in about ten weeks. . .
. .
Serious Q. If you could only have rooster claws or bull tongue for the rest of your life . .
..
alright. just spent 20 minutes putting some vibeyness out and I apparently didn't save it. trying again.
3/7/25
these are good looks I kthink. I tried to put out a bunch of future possibilities for crosses, but:
. . . and when we have room 😈
ikykwk
Princess, I love you more than words can tell you, but I can tell you do not share my kink as much as I need it sometimes.
My inner teenager is in tears and it's been clear since the 4th grade that I have an insatiable kink for anal sex with a woman.
I sometimes lost interest in all other sex completely when I was denied anal sex. It was often the reason that relationships ended, and never began.
Wife
https://us.honeybirdette.com/collections/bondage - all of it. I think I need a job.
$🕷️120 towards savings (well invested) every training session with coach🐻.
I'm afraid to write about the mother of my dreams. I haven't met her yet. She's something. She lives in her discipline, she owns her power, and she sees to her pride.
3/9/25
3/17/25
I picked up two books . The Art of Memoir by Mary Karr and the bottom-line investor's tome, The Intelligent Investor, by Benjamin Graham.
TAOM
- a fiction writer starts with meaning and then manufactures events to represent it. . . a memoirist starts with events, then derives meaning from them.
- they (readers) drew hope from the mere fact of a writer living past a bad juncture to report on it.
- . . . can't live without—Black Boy, I know Why the Caged Bird Sings, A Childhood: The Biography of a Place, Dispatches, The Woman Warrior, Stop-Time, The Kiss, Down and Out in Paris and London, Homage to Catalonia, The Color of Water, Good-Bye to All that, The Possessed: Adventures with Russian Books and the People Who Read Them, Memories of a Catholic Girlhood, Wild, The Duke of Deception, This Boy's Life, and Speak Memory .
- "Any time you try to collapse the distance between your delusions about the past and what really happened, there's suffering involved."
- . . .memoir is like therapy, the difference being that in therapy, you pay them. [In Russian, therapy pays you.]
- "Everybody I know that wades deep enough into memory's waters drowns a little."
- ". . . she starts inside her mystical experience, then briefly jogs to where the dubious reader stands prepared to discount her. . . we're convinced of her firm curiosity about her encounters with the supernatural, her willingness to explore any explanation for them." (p.42)
3/18/25
Red upper third of left iris.
indeterminately sure, spin left.
There is a ghoul.
13w
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Zachary Frere
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Zachary Philip Brill
O.K.
witcher report:
Shit is getting quite spooky.
uh.
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Zachary Philip Brill
Me, seated on couch backwards, legs in couch. Darkened. Professional haircut. Clothing I last met her in.
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Zachary Philip Brill
Close All Blindes.
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Zachary Philip Brill
2:09:31
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Zachary Frere
damn me.
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Zachary Frere
uncommon constellation unless it was ursa major
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HA
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Zachary Frere
Taurus
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Zachary Frere
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i...
GOOGLE.COM
Redirect Notice
Redirect Notice
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Zachary Frere
Sleep paralysis
13w
* I saw a darkened mouse scurrying and snaking towards the door before I met myself.
. .
Eulogy by Bukowski
with old cars, especially when you buy them second-
hand and drive them for many years
a love affair is inevitable:
you even learn to
accept their little
eccentricities:
the leaking water pump
the failing plugs
the rusted throttle arm
the reluctant carburetor
the oily engine
the dead clock
the frozen speedometer and
other sundry
defects.
you also learn all the tricks to
keep the love affair alive:
how to slam the glove compartment so that
it will stay closed,
how to slap the headlight with an open palm
in order to have
light,
how many times to pump the gas pedal
and how long to wait before
touching the starter,
and you overlook each burn hole in the
upholstery
and each spring
poking through the fabric.
your car has been in and out of
police impounds,
has been ticketed for various malfunctions:
broken wipers,
no turn signals, missing
brake light, broken tail lights, bad
brakes, excessive
exhaust and so forth
but in spite of everything
you knew you were in good hands,
there was never an accident, the
old car moved you from one place to
another,
faithfully
-the poor man's miracle.
so when that last breakdown did occur,
when the valves quit,
when the tired pistons
cracked, or the
crankshaft failed and
you sold it for
junk
-you then had to watch it carted
away
hanging there
from the back of the tow truck
wheeled off
as if it had no
soul,
the bald rear tires
the cracked back window and
the twisted license plate
were the last things you
saw, and it hurt
as if some woman you loved very
much
and lived with
year after year
had died
and now you
would never
again know
her music
her magic
her unbelievable
fidelity.
the genius
this man sometimes forgets who
he is. ✓
sometimes he thinks he’s the
Pope. ✓
other times he thinks he’s a
hunted rabbit
and hides under the
bed.
<--- ✓
then
all at once
he’ll recapture total
clarity
and begin creating
works of
art. ???
then he’ll be all right
for some
time. ✓✓
then, say,
he’ll be sitting with his
wife
and 5 or 6 other
people
discussing various
matters
???
he will be charming,
incisive,
original. ✓✓
then he’ll do
something
strange. ✓✓✓
like once
he stood up
unzipped
and began
pissing
on the
rug.
✓ (Pro-baseball course on how not to be accused of rape. was told "drunk sex is rape." "raised my hand and asked, "is it therefore illegal?")
another time
he ate a paper
napkin. ✓
and there was
the time
he got into his
car
and drove it
backwards
all the way to
the
grocery store
and back
again
backwards
✓,✓✓✓✓
(montana, NYC, Miami Beach, Port St. Lucie)
(forgot to mention I deliberately crashed my mother's ford focus into a government mailbox to total it because she initially refused to let me drive when she was drunk)
the other motorists
screaming at
him
but he
made it
there and
back
without
incident
and without
being
stopped
by a patrol
car. ✓✓✓
but he’s best
as the
Pope
and his
Latin
is very
good. 〥
his works of
art
aren’t that
exceptional
but they allow him
to
survive
and to live with
series of
!?
19-year-old
wives
who
cut his hair
his toenails
bib
tuck and
feed
him.
???
he wears everybody
out
but
himself.
✓
3/19/25
The defectors
WWII, Obergruppenführer of the Third Reich, former Texas Ranger—
he needs to get out. Nowhere to go nearby. The Sixth has already been beaten down in Stalingrad. Nothing left to do besides enjoy a saboteur's work on the sinking ship, so he frequents the shows in Berlin.
She dances for the ballet. He's partial to the operas, but her shows keep him coming back. Graceful is an understatement, none of them can move like she does. On occasion he thinks he glances something incredible. Those shoes aren't made with wood. He's looked at a few of them close up. She spins on a knife point—her bare toes. The rest of them he hears over the percussion, but she lands silently above the strings. . .
3/20/25
Look at this dry-aged prime beef. I just ate taco-bell last night. Slut-shame me please.
He's 77 years old and he has 3 and 2/3 beautiful sons. I haven't read anything about a heart transplant but who cares if he's literally ripped two hearts directly out of the chests of two men in the past twenty years. I haven't heard about it.
A Chinese surgeon performed an almost-successful head-transplant for goodness' sake. Like I said, if bigger is always better not only will I die by seventy but I'll have to go there anyway to bid on parts. . . also it'd be fun to have a background role in a movie like Get Out—
(11/25/24)
SM,
I really want out this morning. I resent you so much for implying that I coerced you for a kiss, it makes you seem like someone that can never be in a healthy relationship. You gave me a kiss outright. Afterwards I asked for two more, and then you texted me implying that I did something illegal. It's all I could possibly do to not overreact. The degree of self-importance that this presents tells me that you might never be capable of the self-sacrifice that it takes to be a good parent. I haven't betrayed you like that, and on principle I won't. You should know that I just had an oral herpes outbreak for the first time.
It makes sense to tell you these things directly, but the only ability that I have to talk to you is when you unblock me on your terms. Mine are public, and I don't have any good choices to state them otherwise.
Z
(11/16/24)
SM,
I think we might just turn into demons for each other for a time. You've been a demon to me directly, and now I'm going to demonize you. I've tried for us with so much patience and sorrow that I not only expect back, I demand back. Hopefully a little alchemy on the sorrow.
I wonder if you're haunting me as the rich-bitch of christmas-past. It was a few months of great, a second of good, and a year of hell with my ex. I'm not in for some kind of sick trick from GOD himself, so I will be looking for another potential mate.
I will love you forever, but truly I hate you more right now, and I believe that I should. If you have anything to say, as always my line is open.
Z
P.S. I wanted you then. You told me that you were diagnosed BPD. I praise you as a woman and a lover for that. I decided that you and I would not make a healthy couple at the time. I am diagnosed schizo-affective, bi-polar. I have recently come into a place of peace and comfort in my life. I have also since proofed my brain on sleeplessness, drug and alcohol abuse, and emotional stress from you. It's doing well. I don't sense much of a chance of going insane.
If you want to know what my perspective is having never deleted a text or implied incorrect context—you didn't consider that when you said you love me that I need forty-thousand dollars plus to be a functional, working, good human being. I asked you for fifteen thousand. It's now forty-plus if you're serious. I cannot save that before my 33rd birthday.
Sophia,
I love you. I want you to take all this with a grain of salt, but also know that I meant it with my whole self. You insulted me so unbelievably deeply for not having money. Now I take the picture of that guy gesturing towards the parking lot as you wanting to insult me more deeply for not having a car. I want to spend that money on something that I take pride in, not a car that I'd replace as soon as I can afford a newer one. I want to give you something that's beautiful, maybe something you'll be happy with for the rest of your life. There is so much pain in me right now. I am in so much pain.
Zachary
3/21/25
3/22/25
I miss you so much. I regret bringing all of that back up, but there's no way for me to ever delete those feelings in my heart. I want more than anything to talk to you and hold you, but I'd be faced with them at some point anyway, and I don't even know how to talk about them at this point. There'd be a rift between us. I don't know why you have that last picture up again still except that I pissed you off some way or another so you brought it back up spitefully. You're going to win, and we both lose. I wasn't even trying to win until I became so spiteful myself staring at that picture. I don't think you interpreted that song "You're not as _____ as you think you are" in the way that I intended it. I feel like I'd do anything for you to unblock me, but then I'd just have to stuff my feelings away and you would feel me being cold and distant. You blocked me immediately. I don't know how we could make it if that's your attitude in person too. I love you.
3/22/1325
Myy bedwroom is in shredss and rubble but I ddd manage to vinde a mirror. Would you plz attempte to covrrect just one zhing, soonesque?. -Theyve lockxd mmme in. szurching through my notes . al dente . ewery ting is un readable. только картинки
pls mke spcfc crctns gvn is possible 🐻
o, mmm?🐂
am avware es new age transfigurat on -k. eizer vill suffixe
3/23/25
Wow, I'm sad at myself. This is my favorite based on what I know you want too. I did not mean to prick you. Anger is oozing out of me. I think this qualifies me as a prick. I meant to repeat "Question". I really want you to love this one. There's so much here that's beautiful for us.
- 5ct center (if you haven't tried on a 5ct pear do so)
- two elderberry petals/two kings [four plus the chosen one]
- magpie feet
- surprise baby's baby
- elderberries, elderberry leaves. [you'll have to help me. this is gorgeous]
3/24/25
Stripes
Tonight there's
stripes
and tigers warmth
and alpacas are softer
where
are the llamas, they're stiffer, beauty
they'll
spit
in
your face, three three more times
times
and want a hug. twice. tried. no
a
hug??
yes
they all wanted a hug from me wonder.
I
brought wherewithal
my
helmet just in case.
symmetry
was.
Wishes
Forgiveness. chilling. there's not much
is
not wanting
sparseness. confusion. waning.
black men
have
bigger
cocks
mine
is now average, for life.
do you
under
f-u-c-k-i-n-g
stand
what a tiger thinks of a llama
if I wanted food
you'd be dead. at the dance
but I cried
for a fire. of a friend
I cried
today. and I want blood
Llamas
Big-L. if you're willing to be. a middle-school dream
such a trick, strictly trick, you'd have given me
I asked for an angel
and of course you'd sign me over
you'd sign me to jail or worse,
so sign for my sperm.
I can't even relate your aggravation
to reality
mine is based on current events
mine is good for discussion.
you're buried in a knife wound. witch
of your own. I understand.
warmth
fin.
Which, witch?
There's
the light which
does
what is
best
for the family
and
sometimes
owns
the neighbors' souls. with an apple
and there's
the
dark. which
whips
up a storm. at an expense of anything,
anyone
avoids
herself
except that it boomerangs. have you read
any deep
libraries as deep. as you can go
to an artery of power. that actually puts stops
on what you
would want of it and it stops you
from relieving fear
with pain
that you
owe
yourself
in pleasure
not in suffering others
I want you to love me but your self love is
not mastery.
I love
you.
3/25/25
Sad sad bimbos
Angry angry bears do not make
babies
in fact
it's like
they
would
rather
live in
their
own
sep-
arate
hidey
holes.
don't
try to
make
babies
by making a bear beary upset.
The sorry ice-king
I'm not sorry,
it's on my countenance. my correctional vocabulary
I'm pretty sure you're tired
and I want
you to be tired
of your love language
I suppose
because
I would not accept
a sorry in a song title anymore. at all
so I will practice
patience
and deliberation
on timing
and not trying to be an asshole
inherently
due to anger and
impatience
at GOD herself.
sorry doesn't cut it if ignoramus. is in
I did do that
it was not intentional
it was ignorant
I'm sober as a bird
and I hate
so many things now that
I can't possibly assess consciously. due to pain involved
I am very sorry.
3/26/25
This is the one that I corrected from. I do know that a 5 carat pear (particularly pear) does not look too big with a halo.
- two home plates (daddy and mommy are divorcing unless you're both 10th round or better)
or ~
"We christen thee: You are half-way to a marquis. You are strong, courageous, sensitive to polite beings and a fucking rage-a-holic at assholes. May this be well confided in you."
or, or -
I get to surprise you with the bridal.
Give me a dream
"Own to rent", 6
bedrooms, 2
offices for a time, 1
soundproofed
locked
studio
3/27/25
Depression
I haven't gotten
out of bed. I fell half-asleep,
and dreamt of kissing your
pregnant belly. a growl
woke me up
from my
own
My little boat
I dreamt
that
I was
on a
ship. there was no water,
and I jumped overboard
to swim
I jumped
so far that
a little birdie
carried me far from my home
the little birdie
knew that
I was lost
and
she
wanted
to tell me
that
she
could
find
us a hope.
and she wanted
me to know that
I would be ok
even if she
had to fly
away
3/28/25
I have experiences that tell me that my prayer, my cursed prayer, was blessed by the goddess. There are two magpies on my chest. I made a deathly bet after my brother died, after I fasted for five days with my ex-wife and performed a ritual to bless us as a soulmate-ship, and after I lost faith in the bible. The bible does not use the term "soulmate", however it is a promise that with purity of mind and heart, and faith in a power greater than ourselves, we may be fit with a soulmate at a depth incalculable and by a power that defies any numbers games or logical trials.
This is a text that I sent to SM on November 17th, 2021.
"So you’re the first person in my life besides me mom that knows I also got my first tattoo 🪶🪶 not gonna say I knew what i was doing at the time because I didn’t… but it was two magpies for good luck (the day before I got arrested 😂) but really the reason I got them is that they’re non-descript, not so special looking birds, but they find something special in each other and mate for life."
On September 16th, 2024 I texted you a little poem and when you read it my magpies pressed into my chest with a cool iron.
don’t turn your back without saying, “i’m right here.”
there wasn’t ever another way
around the world without your wings by mine
there won’t be another
there was never a bird so free,
and me, i’m less without my birdy’s wings
by mine
I’m less without them,
and in a cloud i can feel you
in front of me,
and i can feel the ocean, and see the sand glistening
and we can loopty
loop, and find a place in a banyon tree
so stay by me, stay by me
.
Over the past few weeks, I have felt a tattoo that isn't there probably twenty times. A sea-goat has pressed into my chest beneath the magpies. I want your help designing it. Here are some ideas.
Style fit to magpies (touchup and white ink to match)
Head and horns, pose
5 6-stars, 1 8-star, 1 10-star
Tail-fin
Widow
You are my wife
the morning that our child is conceived.
don't you want to
eat me?
On ho'd
Put m' on block
I'm a'eady dea' t' ma' nigga. . .
best be findin' 'm
'notha home.
At my pelvis
3/29/25
I don't know if I've expressed myself very well in writing about you posting those pictures of that guy. I have been embarrassed that I'm a weirdo to write about it here seriously, which has to be a joke at this point. I am sick to my stomach every time I see it. I have a sinking feeling in my chest right now from looking at your Spotify. I don't know what your purpose was. I love you, SM. I don't understand what you're trying to do now but it shades everything I write and think about you. It feels so cruel.
The lion
He sits on a rock in Central Park
his wisdom tooth is coming in and it hurts his jaw
there's plenty of room,
but people always say
it should be taken out
like it's not supposed to be there.
I wonder if I'm wise enough for this, I need to be careless
or else I'll be so self-righteous, and roaringly angry
that I'll chase you away to someone else.
I don't know if you love me
but when I get to see you, I'll need some elderberry brownies
and five Aperol spritzes.
and you'll want a ring, I pray.
and then I'll take an Italian lunch.
I can't tell you where it will be,
maybe on the rock in Central Park
where I slept for the night, and no one woke me up.
I hate this train of thought that I have—
goading a lion
to show
that he's
no good.
I'm not better than you are for not having tried to find a better match,
I feel love for the first time in eight years
and I lost my mind from the fear of all of it.
forgive me
and I'll forgive you. I'm obsessed with you, SM.
I've never been so obsessed with anything—maybe money,
maybe having a family
The golden retrievers
Let me cry to you. I cried so hard,
I couldn't breathe. I hit
myself
in
the
head
trying
to get
feelings
to die.
my first
BPD episode.
I'm sorry
for everything
I did
to an extent that I am a slave—
a slave can't only find a fettered determination
of his own judgement.
is that him
with the hand
I don't have
to know, I have to be told.
and I won't believe you, and I want to believe anything
so I can
water a
seed
in my stomach
with tears
of sorrow
flying to
meet
me.
I played two hands
And don't ever call me a crackpot, but I played poker for the
first time
in
three
weeks
tonight
with
eleven
cents. I started with 8 big blinds.
I wasted 11 cents
so that in the second hand
I found
a
little
miracle.
1/100*1/13*1/16*1/9.
it's not much,
but it happened
that I flopped 3 3's
to bust immediately.
Red ink in legend
Red ink indicates a debt,
and there's something atrocious
that must be said.
the Bible child didn't remember
it is also legend that Judas,
Jesus' betrayer, hanged himself
from an elder tree
after Jesus'
crucifixion
on wood
of elder.
and I'm
embarassed
that I didn't remember,
even though I was reading the Old Testament lightly
at the time, that red ink is also found in the Bible as the words of Jesus.
but I fell
in love with
you the evening
you told me that you
loved me do you love me?
you and me both love love god
. . .
that were like soft hurricane of footsteps
polishing the lonely boundary of the stone
SM/JF
3/31/25
Pride and guilt
The day after you blocked me (my poor memory)
the woman who asked for my child (I deleted the texts)
texted me for the first time in a while (I asked her for money)
and in my own pride I decided that if she (she did act a little strange)
wanted to buy me a flight to her place in CO (she has a poker table at home)
I'd agree to give her a child.
I have so much pride in my word.
So much that I'd burry myself,
and I have buried myself
and I've been saved
from it. so now
I feel guilt
and I
feel so
much arrogance
that I'd try to argue
that because you blocked me again
and I warned you, I'd proudly go against
every fiber of my being, and create a child
that I am responsible for, and that my children
will find, at best, was a twisted vengeance in the heart of wooing their mother.
that's a lion's sickness—his pride.
4/2/25
THERE IS NO CLEAR LIGHT
There is no clear light,
no clear shadow, in remembering.
They have grown ashy-gray,
a grubby sidewalk
crisscrossed by the endless feet of those
who come in and out of the market.
And there are other memories, still looking for
something to bite,
like fierce, unsatisfied teeth.
They gnaw us to the last bone, devouring
the long silence of all that lies behind us.
And everything lies behind, nights, dawns,
days hanging like bridges between darknesses,
cities, doors into love and rancor,
as if war had broken into the store
and carried off everything there, piece by piece,
till through broken doors
the wind blows over empty shelves
and makes the eyes of oblivion dance.
That's why daylight comes with flow fire,
and love, the whiff of far-off fog,
and street by street the city comes back, without flags,
trembling perhaps, to live in its smoke.
Yesterday's hours, stitches by life
threaded on a bloodstained needle,
between decisions endlessly unfulfilled,
the infinite beat of the sea and of doubt,
the quiver of the sky and its jasmine.
Who is that other me, who didn't know
how to smile, who died of sheer mourning?
The one who endured the bells and carnations,
destroying the lessons of the cold?
It's late, late, but I go on, from example to example,
without knowing what the moral is,
because, in my many lives, I am absent.
I'm here now, and I'm also the man I was,
both at the same time.
Perhaps that's it, the real mystery.
. . .
4/2/25
I called the police on my mother yesterday
I called the police on my mother.
We had a deal, she doesn't talk to me when she's drunk.
when she did I said,
"you're drunk."
she hit me in the back with her closed fist on the first step of the stairs.
I turned around and she tried to punch me in the groin.
I called the police. She sat in her car drunk as they spoke with her.
they didn't arrest her.
today, she came into the bedroom that I sleep in, the only bedroom, drunk,
and I told her to get out.
she refused.
when pushed past her in the doorway, she threatened to call the police
on me.
I managed to leave to the gym,
and I've come home to her crying hysterically,
"you're Phil Brill, you are your evil father, you killed my son, you killed Ryan."
last month she took my check and cashed it herself. She took $350 of my $950 rent check that I was saving to move out, claiming that I owe her the money.
she spent hours ranting today while I listened to your music.
I'm holding it together, SM, but barely. I want to be with you. You're the only person in the world that knows who I am inside. You're the only person that I would really care to know, if you believe that I love you. Do you believe that I wake up every morning and pray that you'll believe me? I have spent all the time since we last talked giving you every inch of myself, every corner, and the great center is that you can believe what I tell you. I love you. I don't want to be with anyone else. I never will. You're not supposed to save me from myself, I have been fighting my circumstances to be the best of myself. I have been sober except tonight, and I have been trying to remain strong so that if you do decide to speak to me again, I can be a person you remembered as good and worthwhile. I have so much to give, SM. I am still the person you knew. Please believe that I am ready to move on from this horrible decade of life and into something beautiful, selfless, prideful and loving.
This open-ended heartbreak
This heartbreak I feel
it feels impossible to know
what you post for me,
and how you could post a song
and not let me know
the colors
of
your
own
voice.
I want to hear more at the expense of my pride
of even writing about it.
I want to hear everything,
I want to pretend it's for me. Is it? do
you love me?
Can we talk
I need to tell you something,
(and it's not instantly regretful)
there's something I feel between us
(and your heart doesn't drop)
that isn't letting me be myself
(you don't frown),
(and you're listening)
(and you're hopeful)
and I feel your heart speaking,
"don't be scared, I'm not."
Couple's therapy
I attended a class once
and all I could get out
in class
was my own angst
at never being heard.
couples therapy isn't so different
except that I come off as abusive to say so,
but I don't trust that many people
tell their therapists
the whole truth. so I'd go quietly and offensively
to my partner's therapist.
what if we both wrote down
everything,
everything that we needed to read
from another perspective,
and, in fair love to each other, we never spoke about it,
just wrote
back and forth.
your secrets are safe from my speech,
except the ones
in the same diary
on the nightstand.